8 years and I am desperate!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
8 years and I am desperate!
6
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 1:04am
I have been married to my husband for 8 years and we have 2 children together.
We met on the internet, spoke for over 1 year before meeting with one another, I got pregnant with our 1st child on our 1st meeting (love at first sight type of deal), we moved in together after 12 days, got married 6 months later. So, everything moved VERY quickly.
We have huge sexual problems and I just don't know what to do anymore. When we were chat buddies, we actually had a great sexual online relationship. He was really romantic and seemed quite excited at the idea of sex. He told me that he masturbated everyday (sorry if that was too much info).
Then we moved in together and it was a whole different ball game. At first, his excuse was that I was pregnant and he was scared that he might hurt the baby. I accepted this as a legit excuse and I didn't press him.
After the baby, we were just too busy until the next baby came along and then again the excuse was because of the pregnancy. Now our children are 6 and 7 years old and he still comes up with numerous excuses...he is too tired, he doesn't feel well, etc.
I am not a nympho. Sex once a week or even every 2 weeks would be fine with me. He seems to think once every 2 or 3 months is okay.
I have scoured every possibility. He is not cheating. He goes to work, comes home and stays home. He doesn't have a porn addiction. He doesn't even look at porn AT ALL. It just seems like he doesn't like sex...but, in the back of my mind...I keep remembering when we were chat buddies and he liked sex then, so what gives?
I have tried talking to him about it but, he immediately gets defensive. He doesn't want to hear it, he thinks I am trying to argue with him. If I try to initiate sex, he actually pretends to be asleep and completely ignores me (it makes me feel like crud, it makes me cry). I've tried suggesting that he goes to a doctor just to be checked out but, again he ignores me.
When we do rarely have sex, he has to be the one to initiate it. Even if I am not in the mood, I have to do it because I never know when the next time is going to be. It is always awkward, passionless, wham bam thank you ma'am and over.
He hugs me and kisses me (a little peck on the lips) every day when he leaves for work and comes home. But, that his extent of romantic passion.
He never cuddles me, french kisses me, kisses my neck, flirts or cops a feel...or whatever.
I love my husband to bits, I really do. But, I just don't know how much longer I can take of feeling lonely and unloved. I didn't get married to sleep on my side of the bed cold and alone.
On the other side, I feel like I shouldn't be so selfish. After all, it is just sex. Sex is not everything in a relationship.
It would be such a picture perfect relationship if we could fix these sexual problems though. But, he won't get help!
What could be wrong with him? What can I do? After 8 years of dealing with this, I am getting desperate. Any advice or words of encouragement? Thanks for listening. Sorry it was so long!
P.S. I just realized this should be on the HL board. Sorry about that!


Edited 8/23/2007 1:26 am ET by bunny_girl80
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 8:40am

"He was really romantic and seemed quite excited at the idea of sex. He told me that he masturbated everyday (sorry if that was too much info)."

" It just seems like he doesn't like sex...but, in the back of my mind...I keep remembering when we were chat buddies and he liked sex then, so what gives?"

Do you know if he still does this or did he ever do this at the beginning of the relationship? I wonder if he told what he told you about sex so he would seem normal to you in his mind, that he was a man interested in sex. From what you write, seems to be the exact opposite in reality. I'm guessing he told you all that to make sure that you continued to write to him.

"On the other side, I feel like I shouldn't be so selfish. After all, it is just sex. Sex is not everything in a relationship."

You aren't selfish and while sex isn't everything in a relationship it is definitely an important part for most relationships. It is also more than just 'sex'. For lots of people it is a way to physical connect and most folks feel some sort of emotional connection with it. The touch of skin alone can set of chemicals that make oneself feel good. Look at how you feel about yourself without this physical intimacy. You don't feel very good about yourself.

"What could be wrong with him? What can I do? After 8 years of dealing with this, I am getting desperate. Any advice or words of encouragement? "

This is the part that sucks. You don't have a lot of options. You can try to fight for sex life with him, see if you can drag him to counseling or seek a sex therapist for himself. But from everything that you write it seems like he mostly won't go for any of this. What he told you orginally is not what he truly feels. You can try to learn to accept that this is the way this relationship will be and live with it. Mostly folks that come here really can't seem to do it. They try to become something they are not and it just makes them more unhappy, which tends to spill over into other parts of the relationship. Or you could ask for an open marriage and seek someone outside for your sexual needs. Or the final option is to try all that you can think of and if nothing works, accept that he will never change, file for divorce and seek a person that is compatible with you inside and outside the bedroom.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2007
Tue, 10-16-2007 - 5:27pm

You are in no way selfish to expect your partner to have sex with you! That is just crazy and shows how bad he has made you feel!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2006
Thu, 10-18-2007 - 9:18pm

Bunnygirl...I too came here asking for advice, so I don't know what qualifies me to give any, but all I can say, sweetie, is don't let it become the 17 years of hell it's been for me.


I can put my initial concerns back

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2007
Fri, 10-19-2007 - 1:32pm

Hang in there and you can do it!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2007
Fri, 10-26-2007 - 2:16pm

"After all, it is just sex. Sex is not everything in a relationship."


I have to disagree, it is not selfish to want intimacy and sexual fulfillment. We are not built to be celibate. Having a sexless marriage spills over into almost all parts of the relationship. My wife feels guilty for not having any sexual urges, but instead of that feeding the desire to fix things, it depresses her which makes her less responsive to intimacy. Some people, particularly those with medical problems, just have no physical desire and no matter the emotions, they cannot seem to respond. I have been married 27 years and have dealt with this for the last 10 years, and it is really spilling over into an otherwise great marriage. When I have "talked" to her in the past she has become hurt and defensive, so over the last couple of years, I just have stopped talking. In spite of my love for my wife, I am contimplating finding a "friend" just to have physical intimacy. Don't hang on for another 20 years to find out that no matter what you do, some things never change.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2007
Tue, 10-30-2007 - 1:46pm
Life is too short to live in misery and despair.