Another question for LLs from an HL.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2011
Another question for LLs from an HL.
15
Tue, 12-06-2011 - 3:42pm

After reading several posts on the ML and its related boards, including this one, and examining my situation, I find so much similarities in the stories posted by members including mine; so will not give the background of my relationship here.

My question is not meant to antagonize and I hope it is taken with all seriousness. How would you, as a LL, respond to you HL partner simply telling you that the best solution to the problems created by the ML is to divorce and that her or she was beginning the separation process?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Tue, 12-06-2011 - 4:07pm
There was a time that I would have been relieved by that kind of proclamation. When he was not willing to meet me in the middle or to acknowledge my efforts on behalf of our relationship and his sex life.

Now that things have improved, I'd be hurt and shocked. I've tried so hard, and we've both suffered so much with this thing, I'd be really stunned that he was quitting it now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Wed, 12-07-2011 - 4:52am

I'm not LL, yet I think my reaction would depend on whether or not my partner had raised the seriousness of the situation and offered to negotiate a solution that would work for both of us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2009
Wed, 12-07-2011 - 8:56pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Thu, 12-08-2011 - 12:08am
<>

As the LL recipient of such a statement, I wouldn't respond well to the presumption that my partner knows what's best for me. It may well be that the best solution for YOU is to divorce your LL wife, but that doesn't mean it's the best solution for her (or even for all HLs).

So I'd suggest you change your wording to something like, "I understand and respect that you're content in our relationship, but I'm very unhappy. For better or worse, sex is so important to me that divorce is preferable to me than our low-sex relationship. I'm very sorry if this hurts you, but that's who I am."

F.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Thu, 12-08-2011 - 3:39am

Nicely put - as always....

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Thu, 12-08-2011 - 3:43am

That's a big part of my problem....

And you've already been learning a lot of skills which help in the face of any reactions like this.

You can become Miss Who-cares-what-you-think-of-me & Miss Having-a-stonking-good-time!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Thu, 12-08-2011 - 9:31am

<
And you've already been learning a lot of skills which help in the face of any reactions like this.>>

I'd go a step further and suggest that you openly tell people why you initiated the divorce (the best defense being a good offense): "He wasn't capable of emotional and sexual intimacy, and those things are so important to me that I cannot approach being happy without them." A very small minority of people may tsk-tsk, but I'll bet the great majority will understand and support you. And for the "greater good" of future marriages, I think it's important for us all to bring these issues out of the closet.

Remember when cancer, mental illness, advancing age and annual salary were verboten topics? We now have cultural permission to discuss them. I hope we reach the same point with libido and LTR sex/intimacy. The truth needs to get out there!

F.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2011
Thu, 12-08-2011 - 10:13am

Thanks to all of the posters. My question arises partly from a book that I read several years ago call Passionate Marriage by David Schnarke (sp?).

In it he professes the need for most marriages to pass through a "crucible" that causes each partner to make a choice. It could otherwise be called an ultimatum by some. He recommends stating what freelancemomma posted earlier about the HL partner letting the LL partner know what is important to them and give them a choice to address the problem or end the marriage. According to the book, when the "choice" is made to address the intimacy problem, the marriage is much stronger after passing through the crucible.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Thu, 12-08-2011 - 10:34am
>>According to the book, when the "choice" is made to address the intimacy problem, the marriage is much stronger after passing through the crucible.<<

I think it CAN be much stronger, but not always will it turn out that way. The other outcome is that the person being given the ultimatum will acquiesce and then resent the hell out of it, thus destabilizing the partnership and leading to its eventual ruin.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Thu, 12-08-2011 - 10:52am

The truth needs to get out there!

Yes.

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