Any tips? Sex and mental illness
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|Tue, 02-09-2010 - 6:58pm|
I've been watching these forums for a long time and finally got the guts to post. I know you guys are pretty upfront and brutally honest but please go easy on me.
My problem is that I've had severe depression all my life and, as a result, no libido. I've tried a majority of the medications on the market and had stints of being on none for a long time too, and as a result I've found that it must be the actual depression itself that's stopped me from having a libido. At first I wasn't really concerned about it, I guess because I've had partners where it was just a physical thing, not emotional. And it was fun, because I was not aware of this "emotions associated with sex" thing.
Now I am going out with a guy (well, we've been together 2 years) and since we started, he's sort of shown me how there ARE emotions in sex. I was quite dumbfounded at this - my parents or friends never told me this and we never learnt that at school! So I've been looking it up on the web and its like everyone knew except me.. lol. I was shocked, but happy about it - it's a good concept. I always thought the idea of "making love" was just an old fashioned romantic type thing. But its true!
But before you go and blast me about that.. I kinda think that maybe since I had depression all my life, my "receptors" to that kinda thing are somehow turned off. So even though people were "making love" to me, I just couldn't feel it. Or something along those lines. I would really like to experience having emotions during sex, instead of it just being physical. My current boyfriend is really good like this.. he is all in it for emotions and intimacy, etc.. I never really understood it until now. I asked him about it and he said he can't have sex WITHOUT emotions. Which is good cause he is very loving and I think it would be great having sex like this.
So I guess I have one question in particular. I'm going to a certain type of psychotherapy to address the core issues of my depression and its looking good. What I want to know is, how can I make sex good for him in an emotional way until I am a bit better and can participate in this manner? Until my "receptors" come back online, so to speak? He's been upset about sex a lot but I never understood until I found out about this emotions thing. Now I get it and I feel slack for putting him through it.. so I want to make some sort of change to make it good for him. We do all the other intimacy things like cuddling, spooning in bed, deep talks, etc, but he said the only intimacy that counts (for him) is in the bedroom. We do have sex a few times a week unless he is angry at me about it, but even then we will just have a break for a week and then get back into it. Even though I have no libido I still do stuff with him and try to make it enjoyable for him and don't groan about it. He seems to have a good time but he says the emotions are lacking, and I also think it upsets him that I can't get turned on. I understand that everyone (except me apparently, lol) has needs so I want to fulfil his needs and make him happy.
So I guess I would like to know if there is some middle ground here? I know psychotherapy can be a long, arduous process but I'd like to do something starting now, something to get him through until I can do the emotions thing for real. I can understand his point of view, it's just that there is no switch I can just turn on and everything will magically be better. And yes, he is aware of all that I've just stated. I guess he is just frustrated that what comes naturally for most people is not there with me (and I am frustrated too!). And it really gets to him that I can't orgasm with him - I have told him I've never orgasmed with anyone but myself but he still takes it really personally. And now I can understand why.
So yeah.. any ideas? :)