Boyfriend- low sex drive & other issues

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2006
Boyfriend- low sex drive & other issues
2
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 2:27pm
Okay- my bf and I have been dating for around 7 months- didnt have sex until about 2 months into the relationship. Neither of us are very experienced, we're young- but all he had done is kiss a girl before he met me. Anyways, I honestly love him very much and would be devastated if we broke up, but it seems like he isn't sexually attracted to me that much.
He likes to snuggle and hug a lot, and kiss. But he never really wants to do more than that. I am almost always the one to initiate sex. The only time when it seems like he wants to hook up is when he has been drinking, maybe because he is shy, but after he has been drinking, he can't get hard, or stay hard long, or orgasm, it is always one of those issues if he has been drinking. And the other night,after he had been drinking a lot, he spent the night with me, and whenever we spend the night together we have sex, and he just fell asleep while he was fingering me. And I kept waking him up aksing him if he wanted to go to sleep or not and he kept saying he didn't want to go to sleep, which I assumed meant continue foreplay, but he fell asleep so many times I gave up and went to sleep and when he left in the morning i was pissed as hell but he said it was bc he was so drunk and that he hasn't gotten that way in a while and that he is sorry. I just don't know what to do!
When he is sober, he doesn't want it at all, and I have also told him that we shouldn't just go straight to sex, like he tries to do, and that we should have more foreplay, and he says he wants to make me happy and that he will do whatever I want him to do, but he never does it! It is like he wants to get it over with as fast as possible! and when he has been drinking, he has those problems! ughh! I have tried numerous times to express my feelings to him about these problems, and he says he wants to change them and would do anything to make me happy, but he never follows through!mWhat to do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2006
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 6:19pm
I am just adding some news- I tried to talk to him about it and explain how I feel. All he can do is criticize. First, he said "Sorry if all you care about is having sex" and that obviously in all my other relationships the guys were just trying to get some if they tried to hook up with me a lot. I do not feel this way. I feel this is normal. And he is so mad and is trying to explain why he hasn't tried to do stuff with me various times, but those are just excuses I can tell either he doesnt like it at or or just is too shy to initiate it. He is making me look like the bad person and that I obviously want to have sex too much. He always makes something that is supposed to be positive in a relationship seem negative.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2005
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 4:38pm

Hi. Welcome. Sorry about your problems.

You give very little information about yourselves (ages, background, etc.). But, from what you have said, you appear to be far more sexually experienced than he is. From what you are saying, he was a virgin where as you appear to have had at least one other lover maybe more. From this, I conclude that you are both fairly young.

Without knowing a bit more, it is difficult to give advice. For example, how old are you and how old is your boyfriend? What are your religious backgrounds?

It could be that he is afraid that he is not pleasing you sexually. Knowing that you are more experienced may be a source of significant anxiety. This anxiety may be heightened if you are not orgasming. If he has had a strict religious upbringing, he may view some sex acts as sinful. He apparently had little sexual curiosity prior to meeting you. You have to ask yourself why that is. Is he not curious about things generally? Or, is there something in his background that stifled that curiosity when it comes to sex?

Frankly, because you are young, I will give you some sage advice that you will likely discard. But, if you do so, you will never be able to say that you were not warned.

GO FIND ANOTHER BOYFRIEND!

Oh, and BE THANKFUL THAT YOU FOUND THIS OUT NOW!

Whatever his issues with sex and sexuality, they are unlikely to be resolved easily or quickly. It is possible that they will never be resolved to your satisfaction. Do not continue in this relationship thinking that, over time, he will come to understand as you have that sex is fun. For some individuals with lower libidos, sex is fun only to a very limited extent and then only a very limited amount of the time. He may be one of these individuals. It sounds to me like you would be happier with a lover who enjoyed sex fairly often (maybe 3 times a week or more). It will be very frustrating and a significant hit to your self esteem if you end up with some guy, can have sex whenever you want, and he doesn't want to. Trust me.

Think about it. There are literally hundreds of men in circulation looking for a great girl like you who want to have sex be a significant part of their relationship with you. Go find one of them.

Katie