Change in sex drive

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2003
Change in sex drive
3
Fri, 04-27-2012 - 12:08pm

Just lost an entire post. Grrr.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2009
Sat, 04-28-2012 - 8:09am
To say this a carefully as possible......was there any chance he was "abused" while locked up. Very unlikely that if so he'd have an easy time admitting it happened.....just a thought....a very uneasy one at that
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2009
Sat, 04-28-2012 - 2:27pm

That's exactly what I was thinking, too.

Mag, it could have absolutely nothing to do with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Sat, 04-28-2012 - 5:59pm
Being in prison changes a person mentally, sometimes they become a different person. The culture in prison is very brutal, you have your alpha males and beta males. The alpha males rule, men usually form groups just to protect themselves from being victimized. The groups are like gangs, they become aggressive so they won't fall. Not the safest place in the world. Depending on the length of stay, the mentality becomes more entrenched.

I know this because my family has 2 generations in law enforcement, on all levels.

To the OP, your DH may be adjusting back to life outside so take it easy on him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2003
Sat, 04-28-2012 - 7:41pm

Rationally, I know that, but personally and emotionally, it upsets me.  He wouildn't even snuggle with me last night and I decided to stay in my bedroom until noon as "punishment" and he was saying good morning and telling me all the things he's going to do at our place, working on it and made him dinner - just hot dogs, and cookies, but, I need some loving too! Even if it's just cuddling.  And he doesn't hesitate to tell me he loves me... but it hits my "hot spots" without hitting any spot, if you know what I mean...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Sun, 04-29-2012 - 12:27am

Did you have ML in previous relationships?  Are you looking for validation of your sexuality from him?  From all of the other things he does for you, maybe he is trying to show love in other ways through "acts of service" instead of the "physical touch" which you are craving right now.  He may not be ready for a physically sexual relationship right now, and your frustration may be feeling like pressure to him to perform sexually for you.

You need to figure out what is more important, getting your sexual needs met or staying in this relationship.  Because, like I said before, he is not ready for that right now.  Do you have the patience to wait this out with him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2003
Sun, 04-29-2012 - 6:29am

Am not sure what a ML is..but I get more affection from my cats and also doesn't help thinking, maybe I worry tthat he's not interested in me in that way anymore.  I just don't understand.  I didn't sign on for a roommate or do I have to give up on my wine as it may be the "speed bump" here.  I almost one to say one of us needs to sleep on the couch in the living room b/c it's too depressing and disappointing in the bedroom.  Now the cuddling has stopped as well. I'm at my wits end.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2003
Sun, 04-29-2012 - 6:41am

I'm more concerned if it was a consensual situation and only b/c someone that knew him before me used to make snide comments about him being in jail the last time (she was his landlord and she was angry that he was put in and left her without a tenant, which I thought was incredibly selfish since she had someone to take his place in weeks and he had paid two months in adavance) and maybe finding a BF and he's not in the least bit "girly" and when I confronted him on this years ago he became very offended that I would even think that and the person that said this to me was a friend of mine for 20 years and around this time, became very spiteful and judgmental to me and we never spoke again, so she "planted the bug" in my ear, so to speak.  I don't think anything happened while he was there because it was a low maximum prison, only for DUI's ... nothing but alcohol or drug busts, i.e. pot or prescription drug abuse.  I'm just afraid that he thinks I'm old and this is now just a matter of convenience living here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Sun, 04-29-2012 - 12:21pm
ML means mismatched libido, I was asking if you had a previous relationship with a partner who was LL.

As Troy stated earlier, your SO will not just come out and say that he was intimate with another man while locked up. As for the facilty being low security, all kinds of stuff happens in all levels of the prison system. 3 months stay is a long time, most prisoners get fully acclumated in weeks time, the culture inside is all-consuming. They don't get to leave, it is 24/7 contact with each other. His reaction to your question is telling me that the last thing he wants you to know is what went on while he was inside.

You still think that the reason for his withdrawal is you. There is so much more going on that you are not aware of because he does not want you to know. You need to work on your self esteem, yes I know, not easy when you are being rejected.

Your self esteem does not come from sex or your SO, it comes from within you. Start to do things that make you feel good inside. Your SO is not going to become intimate anytime soon. He's trying to adjust to life outside of prison, being needy and insisting on intimacy is not what he needs right now.

Like I stated earlier, I have family in law enforement, and they see this happen time and time again. You need to decide if this is the right relationship for you. Remember that he may get locked up again if he is not able to kick alcohol, do you want to repeat this?

Does your need for sexual validation outweigh your need to stay with him?