Clingy and Gropey

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2009
Clingy and Gropey
35
Thu, 07-09-2009 - 6:16am

My fiance and I are butting heads. I'm worried, because one of the biggest reasons people get divorces, other than money, is problems in the bedroom, and we're starting even before we're married.

I love my man exclusively, I really do, but there are times when he is so clingy and gropey that I feel like I have a kid instead of a grown man! He spends a lot of time with his guy friends, and I support that, but when he gets home he's sometimes beyond irritating with his invasion of my personal space (I'm an only child, he isnt). It's frustrating that he behaves this way and then gets all hurt and rejected when I ask him to cut it out.

He greets me with a grope. "I'm just saying 'hi'!" -grope grope- "I'm just saying I love you." -paw-
"Hi honey, I'm home!" -grind hump-

I cannot come home from work and change out of my uniform without him coming in for a quick paw, so I have started locking the bathroom door. I cannot watch a movie with him without his head being on my chest or in my lap (he thinks I'm his personal pillow-- as if these things aren't heavy enough as it is without him hanging off them!).

I suppose I should appreciate that he likes my body. At least one of us does. But it's to the point that if his face isn't in my bra his hands are, and when I swat them away he gropes southward instead. We cannot cuddle without his hands wandering. I cannot get out of bed or out of a chair without getting 'goosed' or swatted.

It is to the point where I am so desensitized by all this pawing that when he tries to arouse me it just does absolutely nothing for me, so then he gets upset and wants to know 'why I cant just enjoy it'. Believe me I have tried. It drives me insane having to lay there and try to convince myself that his 'nibbling' is actually pleasant when all I feel is like I'm being chewed on by a bug I desperately want to squash. Sometimes I can do it(not often).

He's insistent AND persistent. He refuses to wrap his head around the concept that this continual groping makes me less receptive to sex; I have mentioned that I suspected my BCP was a likely culprit and have changed meds, which has helped, but he still behaves like it's all in my head. (of course meds don't help when the packs are all for 28-day cycle women and I'm 32- thus leaving days either not covered before Aunt Flo arrives or effectively wasting pills taking them while she's still visiting!)

I don't help myself when I do give in because he figures if he just keeps at it long enough I'll give in next time, too. It occasionally works, so I sometimes do enjoy it once we're started-- but he was injured a few years ago and it just takes more work now to get him anywhere. It requires so much stimulation on his part that by the time he's ready, I've lost it. I feel more like I'm 'servicing' him instead of 'loving' him.

His timing doesn't help, either. We both work night shift, so our internal clocks are already messed up, but he stays up all hours of the day with his friends, or comes home right before my bed time expecting me to cook dinner or be horny.

At times it feels like he's more in love with my body than *me*.

I just want him to come home and hug me instead of groping me, but when I try to explain that to him he laughs or gets mopey like I've kicked his dog!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
In reply to: korynai
Thu, 07-09-2009 - 8:05am

Well, sounds like its time to show him you're really serious about this, maybe to the point that this ends up being a deal breaker for the relationship.

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
In reply to: korynai
Thu, 07-09-2009 - 9:12am

Do not get married until you resolve this.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2002
In reply to: korynai
Thu, 07-09-2009 - 9:55am

Korynai,

Did this behavior just start? Or was he like this from the beginning?
Were you more receptive of this in the beginning or have you always let him know you didn't care for this? Have you considered turning the tables? Just some food for thought.

You may definitely have some incompatibility issues that should be addressed before you get married.

Dirty

Where there's marriage without love, there will be love without marriage. Benjamin Franklin
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2007
In reply to: korynai
Fri, 07-10-2009 - 2:09am

Korynai,


You really, REALLY need to think about this before you marry this guy.


I have a groper...he's gotten a little better about it.

Camperchik

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2009
In reply to: korynai
Fri, 07-10-2009 - 2:56am

I always knew the two of us are going to need some good pre-marriage counseling.

He and I come from two different kinds of families. His mother was definitely a child of the 60s and never grew up (she was also bi-polar and abusive to him, which makes me wonder if this is why he's so clingy). His dad is a good man and has put up with everything Mother does and done everything he could to protect and correct it for his son. He grew up in a small house with his sister and not a lot of elbow room.

I am an only child. I grew up entertaining myself. I express my love for people by spending time with them, period, and have never been a 'huggy' person. It took me three years to train my best friend that I could be in the same house with her and be happy without her having to entertain me, and she still continues to assault my personal space when she attacks me with bear hugs.

I think we're going to need to each address the issues we each have with our childhoods (and Parents!), before we can work on Us, because it wont help to try and change things if we don't understand why we do them in the first place.

He tries. He behaves himself for a day or two, then goes and sees his friends (best buds through and since high school- of which he's the only one who got the 'marriage first, then kid' memo), and comes back and seems to forget he's more than a groping machine fueled by testosterone (or he gets clingy because he hasn't seen me awake for two days running), and I get irked because he doesn't come home before my bedtime for two or three days and then whines about me not cooking for him and grumbles when I don't want to play.

I want to play! I do! He's just rarely HOME when I'm randy! >.<

Of course, it doesn't help that every time we are playing, I'm cursed with the instant mental replay of Alan Rickman's line from Dogma when he talks about 'ridiculous faces', which makes it a lot more difficult to express my 'wild side'!

Camperchik-- I am going to go find a suitably hard surface to whack my head against. I should have thought of ruling out 'public' living spaces earlier. We did it for the short while we had a roommate and it didn't kill him, and he certainly already gets in trouble when his hand just happens to 'graze' my behind on the way to or from my lower back when out in the general public.




Edited 7/10/2009 3:05 am ET by korynai
Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
In reply to: korynai
Fri, 07-10-2009 - 9:38am

>>>>> it doesn't help that every time we are playing, I'm cursed with the instant mental replay of Alan Rickman's line from Dogma when he talks about 'ridiculous faces', which makes it a lot more difficult to express my 'wild side'! <<<<<


I think you guys to need to give serious thought to whether you are compatible as a couple.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: korynai
Fri, 07-10-2009 - 11:23pm

"It drives me insane having to lay there and try to convince myself that his 'nibbling' is actually pleasant when all I feel is like I'm being chewed on by a bug I desperately want to squash. Sometimes I can do it(not often)."

You are marrying this man because--?

I felt like that about guys (not that I let them get to nibbling point, kissing was enough). I stopped dating them. I thought my husband was a sweet goof until he touched me. Then I realized he was a sweet goof who seemed to be absolutely chemically calibrated to turn me on. Are you sure you got the right guy? If you really dislike his advances most of the time, if he needs touch way more than you do, do you think you are right for each other? Some issues can be worked through (you're tidy, he's not) but that one looks like a whopper to me. It is not fair to you to suffer through sex you actively dislike, and it is not fair to him to have a wife who doesn't enjoy his touch. Nor is it encouraging that you have asked him to stop and he doesn't seem to be able to incorporate what you're saying. Best of luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2009
In reply to: korynai
Sat, 07-11-2009 - 3:46am

Clearly I need to work on my communication skills. >.<

I didn't explain something fully: it's not *every* time that his advances are not welcome. The nibbling thing-- I laid down the law this morning. I told him to keep his mouth off the girls unless we're having sex. Period. He blinked a couple times and asked why, and I explained, bluntly, that it only feels good while we're doing it, and it wont get me to do it if he tries it before we're doing it because it just irritates me and makes me push him away entirely.

I don't think I've ever been that red in the face before (I'm not comfortable talking sex stuff), but I think he understood me this time. That I wasn't telling him no because I was playing hard to get, or because I was rejecting his advances period, but because if he's trying to turn me on that's Not the way to do it.

I think, before I give up on this relationship, that I had better learn a few things about myself first:

1) patience is not my virtue. There are times I still need the dictionary to remind myself what the word means.

2) communication is a good thing. note to self: do not rely on subtitles, he doesn't read Chick.

3) he's been really good with the 'no hand on arse in public' rule and I never had to explain 'no hand on chest in public' rule, so maybe can clarify to 'molesting allowed in bedroom and shower only' rule.

It hit me this morning that I've been trying to communicate, well, like a Girl. That was an I-D-1-0-t error on my part. If I'm going to get him to understand what I'm trying to communicate, I'm actually going to have to open my mouth and SAY it. Not my strong point; and an only child, I never had the blessing of a sibling to teach me that lesson.

I left him a note once about how bad he smells after coming home from hanging with his guy friends (they all smoke and I just cant stand the smell). I told him he can hang out with them as often as he wants, as late as he wants, as long as he gets straight into the shower after coming home before coming anywhere near me. He's been doing exactly that ever since and now promptly gets snuggled when he gets out of the shower.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2009
In reply to: korynai
Sat, 07-11-2009 - 7:31am

It sounds like such a lot of work and of course relationships take effort but I worry about the level of base compatibility you're describing here. I completely hear what you're saying. You don't like to be touched out of context. I hear what you're saying about him too. He wants every context to be one in which he touches you.


The problem is there are some women who like that, who want the constant touching, who want sex in the kitchen and the garage and the first floor powder room. Equally, there are some men who are very much in the box: sex will occur within the prescribed GPS grid of bedroom or shower and nowhere else. It doesn't even occur to these men to pursue sex out of context. Your fiancé wants you to be the former and you want him to be the latter.


I think you have to ask yourself if you are capable of that, of changing to become the woman who likes to be touched constantly. If it were me, I would be shouting, "No thank you" followed by quick and hot resentment that I should be expected to be the one to change.


You know what the next question is. Is it reasonable to expect that he will be the one who changes willing? Will he happily stifle his basic urges to live with your rules or will quick and hot resentment come into play?


Others have talked about being married to the same type of man and I'm sure they will tell you their husbands are happy with the touching restrictions that have been put in place. I don't dispute their happiness. It just doesn't seem likely to me that everyone is happy living with rules that restrict who they are in their own house. To me it's like flipping a coin. If everyone's coin keeps coming up heads, what is the probability that you will also flip a head? And, of course, it's much more complicated than a 50-50 flip. So many variables come into play.


So, I have zero advice. You

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2009
In reply to: korynai
Sat, 07-11-2009 - 8:53am

I'm a little surprised, and disappointed, by all the comments that immediately advise to 'consider whether or not we are compatible'.

God put him in my way for a reason. He, quite literally, presented me this man on a silver platter and I will not look the gift horse in the mouth and tell him he has bad breath.

Marriage is about compromise. Compromise in finances, raising the kids, sex; compromise in EVERYTHING. You're each two different people and each think differently. If you thought exactly the same way on every detail, you might as well marry a mirror and stop overpopulating our planet.

If I can't learn now, before we're married, how to express my needs (and boy do I need a crash course in Sexual Communication 101), what kind of wife will I be, to ANY man?

He likes to touch. I like to be touched. Now, if we can just reach a place in the middle ground where he gets to be touchy and I don't end up with rugburn in sensitive places from excessive groping, then we can work together.

My To-Do List:
1) learn to communicate my needs/feelings
2) learn to compromise
3) wash the dishes

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