Dealing with Sexual Interest

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2007
Dealing with Sexual Interest
50
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 9:57pm
I am not LL. I have NL=No Libido. I have tried to explain that to people I have met online in chat forums. I find the interest in sex they have to be annoying mostly and they treat me like I am not normal for having no interest. I almost stopped going to the forums or talking to people because of this. I have interest in other things like doing laundry, cleaning out my fireplace, and talking about my dogs. I ended my sex life 4 or 5 years ago when I found out I was sterile. I found no logic in having to subject myself to the torment of having my husband in me and on me all for nothing(no production of a child) so I simply won't do it. Why is it so difficult for people to understand and accept that. This is the way I am and I am happier to be sexfree as for my husband, his sex life is none of my business since I ended mine.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2006
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 10:08pm

Hi Miss,



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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2007
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 10:21pm
Actually I am looking for a place to vent my upset about people that can't or won't accept my choice to be sexfree. I have encountered hundreds of men in real life and online that think they can change me. They just don't get that if I can't have babies I want no sex. They equate sex to pleasure. I equate sex to being empty, sterile, and depression.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 8:34am

"I have encountered hundreds of men in real life and online that think they can change me. They just don't get that if I can't have babies I want no sex."

I might be missing something here but why would hundreds of men know anything about your sex life? Wouldn't it only be a consideration between you and your husband and matter just between the two of you?

Are you looking for approval that cutting your husband completely off from sex is okay? Because it isn't just sex between loving partners, it's called lovemaking and that is what loving intimate partners do. You have a lot of pain from what you have wrote but your way of dealing with it is to completely shut out the one person who loves you. I would think the average man or woman would not agree with your approach to completely shutting out a partner nor understand that choice.

The bottom line though is what your husband is willing to accept. That is what really matters. Maybe down the road he won't be able to live with your unilateral decision and move on with his life or maybe he is okay with it or maybe he doesn't have enough courage to move on and feels stuck.

Hope the venting helps you. It is a good place to vent. Is your husband seeking help himself?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2006
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 9:09am

Hi Miss Blue,



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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2007
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 9:10pm

Sorry dr-z but that is not it. I don't want to look into Resolve or Inciid I am not infertile with hopes of a cure. I am sterile due to Endometriosis Stage III, my uterus has several tumors, and both my ovaries are covered with cysts. I have seen dozens of doctors and fertility specialists and most if not all say the same thing. 'Have a Total Hysterectomy immediately!' I have decided not to do that and to look into herbal remedies for pain. I know you mean well but despite my husband dragging me to several counselors, therapists, and members of the clergy I feel no one is able to help me with this problem of being sterile. I have to learn to accept it and my husband will have to learn that sex with me is over.

As for enjoying sex that isn't of interest to me as I plan never to HAVE sex again. My sex life ended several years ago and I am more comfortable with my husband in his room and me in mine.




Edited 2/8/2007 9:40 pm ET by missbluecrystal
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2007
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 9:36pm

Tryinghard55. Online most men I talk to seem to end up wanting to talk about sex and I tell them I have no interest in sex. It seems to surprize them so. They then ask me why and I tell them I am sterile and I have no reason to continue a sex life.

In real life I guess I seem attractive to some men and they ask me out. I decline being that I am married. I then find out that sometimes the guys that ask me out are married as well and some are just looking for an affair or someone to party with. That's not for me. I tell them that I am not interested in having an affair or partying as I don't do sex. I use to try to be nice about it but it seems that if I am that many men just don't understand without my being that direct. I work in a business where English is a second language for them and Hollywood has given them the impression that all American women are easy.

I'm not looking for approval for *cutting* my husband off of sex. Just sex with me is out of the question. I accept that my husband may look elsewhere for his needs to be met. I don't have a problem with that. I just want him to look outside my community as I don't want it to get back to me at my job or in church about my husband going outside our marriage. I would find that most embarrassing for me.

If my husband is seeking help that is the same as his sexlife to me, none of my business.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 10:38pm

Hi Crystal,

I've been reading this thread and your pain is palpable. I'm very sorry about your infertility and empathize with your strong feelings of loss. I just wanted to point out a couple of things:

a) When Dr. Z. suggested contacting organizations such as Resolve, I don't think she meant that you should do so in hopes of getting pregnant. As I understand it, one of the important functions of Resolve is to help people come to terms with their infertility and find peace with their lives, whether they choose to adopt or live without children.

b) I do think Tryinghard brought up a valid point when he questioned your unilateral decision to stop having sex with your DH. I understand your need to protect yourself from pain, but since marriage is about two people's needs, I would hope you have at least sought out your DH's pespective on this. Is he truly OK with it? If not, don't his needs and feelings count too?

c) Why is it none of your business whether your DH is seeking help? What do you talk about with him, and what's keeping you in the marriage if you have to skirt around important issues?

I'm not trying to slam you here, just to understand a little better and hopefully be of some help.

F.

Edited 2/8/2007 10:42 pm ET by freelancemomma




Edited 2/8/2007 10:43 pm ET by freelancemomma
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2006
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 7:27am

Hi Miss,


I am so sorry to hear about the endometriosis.Let me know what you mean by 'no one is able to help me".


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 10:32am
You are clinically depressed. You are not thinking straight. You need help. I hope you choose to get help and not to carry this burden by yourself.


Edited 2/9/2007 11:16 am ET by holdingontoit

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2006
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 4:56pm

Hi missbluecrystal,

I have one question for you: Did you inform your husband before marriage that you did not plan on having sex once your procreation was over(one way or another)? If yes, what did he think? If no, why not?

Duck

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