That didn't last long

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Registered: 05-31-2010
That didn't last long
8
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 12:55pm

Well, that didn’t last long. If you’ll remember DH and I negotiated that certain times would be blocked out for study for me and that by mutual agreement I would be unavailable for sex during those times. Well, I’m on fall break from school for the next two days, and normally during DH’s lunch hour I’m in class. Today he comes in for lunch, and I’m studying for the biology exam I have next week (one of three). He asks if we can “go to the bedroom” (this is almost always how he asks if we aren’t already in bed), and I ask him “I’d really like to but I’m studying, can we do this after dinner?”

He insisted stating that this time isn’t one of those specifically blocked out for study. And while that is technically true, it is also true that if it weren’t for fall break I wouldn’t be available anyway. So, I complied. I just feel like he is always going to put his momentary desires just a little bit above my needs. It’s frustrating, and I’m just about to tell him that we’re back to strictly “sex on demand” because that’s the only thing that keeps him satisfied.

At this point I’m generally happy with my life and my marriage, and in this one area I’m personally shooting for contentment not happiness.






Edited 9/30/2010 1:29 pm ET by tiptoeingaround
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Registered: 05-04-2006
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 1:30pm

Good lord! It just seems from what you write here that your DH is determined to do whatever he can to polarize the sexual arena. It feels like an attempt at over control, and a power play.

It is a good thing the rest of your relationship is good for you, because otherwise I would be telling you to RUN!

roo and snowy siggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 1:36pm
Honestly, I just think he's still enamored with the whole sex on demand. It's only been a about four or five months total. If it really, really bothered me I'd have just said no. And my ego is much better at dealing with rejection, and being told that my education isn't important (though it is of great import to me stings) that rejection in reality hurts me far less than me telling him no to sex hurts him. At least I think. If it is a play for power then I may well have to leave, because I will not live with a bully or someone who needs "power over" me in a relationship.
Avatar for holdingontoit
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Registered: 02-02-2004
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 1:47pm

Tomorrow, go to the library to study.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 1:51pm

However, what he wants is me at his sexual "beck and call", and anything less is going to make my life more difficult. It is what it is. It may not be my intention to provide "sex on demand" but the practical reality is that is the only thing that makes him happy. If he is not happy with our sex life then not only do I know it but the rest of my life gets difficult.

So what, I've had sex twice and given two bjs in the past thirteen hours. My time invested is still less time than it takes to do two loads of laundry. And the benefit to me is that DH is happy and momentarily content.






Edited 9/30/2010 2:07 pm ET by tiptoeingaround
Avatar for holdingontoit
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Registered: 02-02-2004
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 2:24pm

Don't mind me, I am just jealous.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 2:34pm

Hold, I'd be hard pressed not to hate your W, and I don't have to live with her.

There are days like today that rather than feeling like the capable, intelligent, accomplished woman that I am, I instead feel like an ambulatory masturbatory aid. The feeling will pass, it always does. In the end, my DH loves me and I love him, and in all other regards he does put my needs above his.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 6:40pm

It is like when one spouse says "you never" or "you always".

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 11:08pm

It's a great suggestion, and that's essentially what we'd done. I've got the day planner with the blocks to prove it. But as with everything DH just has to push for just that bit more. In the end, for me, rather than arguing or trying to make him not "break deals" it's just easier to go along.

At least he isn't mean, nitpicking, and generally ornery to deal with or I'd probably leave. This is the only area of our relationship that he has to have it "his way right away". In everything else he truly does put my needs above his.