Does lack of fantasies always indicate lack of libido?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2005
Does lack of fantasies always indicate lack of libido?
73
Mon, 10-18-2010 - 10:55am

Just something I've wondered about.....if someone doesn't have any sexual fantasies, does that always mean they have low or no libido? Or could they be HL (or anywhere in between), and lack of fantasies simply indicates that they just don't have any particular wishes/fantasies, that they don't care how they get some as long as they get some? Does that even make sense?




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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009

...I think the HL list is based on what they need in a sexual relationship...I don't think the sex is a problem, it's how a partner handles a msmatch, so yes...in my opinion, it's the selfishness and I think it will rear it's head way before sex issues come up...I think the list is full of shortcuts that may weed out a person who doesn't fantasize (I don't), doesn't masturbate (I don't) and doesn't think about sex (I don't) but doesnt' weed out selfishness...and, that is the main problem for most of you...and your marriages (from what is written here)...getting back to me...I like sex, I enjoy it sexually 3-4 times a week, I enjoy it everyday in some way, I go out of my way to reign in my selfish ways..and yet...all of the HLs would weed me out before a relationship started...so, you've got a list that tells you how to get rid of someone that doesn't fantasize or think about sex or masturbate (and a few other things) but you don't have a list on how to manage a ML...all relationships will get there...so, according to your list, you'll just keep leaving the relationships when the ML rears it's head...and, I still maintain that some of you are HL merely because of sexual starvation and you may (probably will) find yourself expendable to someone some day because of it...as the partners that aren't weeded out by your list will probably not want to continue the relationship when you find out that you aren't HL after all...just starved...so, while it may be fun to get to the point of satiation...the part that includes being left because of it will suck...and, you'll have to start all over...(I am typing this really fast with 3 men telling me they are dying of starvation...so, I am sure the grammar and spelling is terrible and thoughts mangled...)...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009

Z, I think I'm getting what you're saying and agree with that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003

I agree with Hold. Exceptions do not disprove a rule. I do believe that the presence (and intensity) of sexual fantasies correlates with HL, while the absence thereof correlates with LL.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003

I disagree that there is no way to predict a mismatch in libido or sexual style.

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
I agree with zejayge that ability to work through difficulties together is a huge issue which is central to managing ML and is not addressed in tomatoman's list. I also agree with her that many of us HLs are not high libido, we are merely starved. So I think her central points are valid.

Certainly, Mrs. Hold and I have enormous difficulty working together outside the bedroom. We pretty much avoid working together on anything (cooking, household chores) because we can't communicate without annoying the other person. THAT is a huge issue which has nothing to do with sex.

So I guess another item to add to both lists is: how do you handle chores? Do you do them together, or do you work in parallel, or do you assign each task to one or the other to do by themselves? When you try to work together (hold this for me, will you?), is that enjoyable or stressful? Do you feel like a team, or is there a battle of wills? If you have a battle of wills outside the bedroom, it bodes ill for resolving differences inside the bedroom.

On the other hand, I do not agree that every difference in libido can be bridged. Not even by 2 people with good problem solving skills who earnestly wish to find a workable compromise. So I do think there is a place for exploring how close or far apart the couple is on levels of desire, range of desired behaviors, etc.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
>>Certainly, Mrs. Hold and I have enormous difficulty working together outside the bedroom. We pretty much avoid working together on anything (cooking, household chores) because we can't communicate without annoying the other person. THAT is a huge issue which has nothing to do with sex.

So I guess another item to add to both lists is: how do you handle chores? Do you do them together, or do you work in parallel, or do you assign each task to one or the other to do by themselves? When you try to work together (hold this for me, will you?), is that enjoyable or stressful? Do you feel like a team, or is there a battle of wills? If you have a battle of wills outside the bedroom, it bodes ill for resolving differences inside the bedroom.<<

This is a very very good point. I avoid working with DH at all costs. He is too volatile and impossible to please. This was not the case in the beginning of the relationship, but as we have progressed it has gotten to the point where he expects me to read his mind and can get quite irate when I read it wrong. I am not the only one who avoids helping him with things, the kids won't get into a project with him unless it is totally unavoidable. He doesn't see this as being a problem with him, he thinks it's everyone else that is screwed up. Oy vey!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009

Hold said: When you try to work together (hold this for me, will you?),

Just what are you referring to here Hold?

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
I wish I could share the humor. Mrs. Hold never holds THAT, so it never occured to me that there was an entendre buried in there. So sad. Years (decades) ago that would have been my first thought. Oh well, I have chosen to kill off my sexuality and if I want it back, I know what I must do.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010

Hold wrote: "
So I guess another item to add to both lists is: how do you handle chores? Do you do them together, or do you work in parallel, or do you assign each task to one or the other to do by themselves? When you try to work together (hold this for me, will you?), is that enjoyable or stressful? Do you feel like a team, or is there a battle of wills? If you have a battle of wills outside the bedroom, it bodes ill for resolving differences inside the bedroom."

DH and I often do chores together, sometimes we

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
zejayge wrote:

...I don't think the sex is a problem, it's how a partner handles a msmatch, so yes...in my opinion, it's the selfishness and I think it will rear it's head way before sex issues come up...I think the list is full of shortcuts that may weed out a person who doesn't fantasize (I don't), doesn't masturbate (I don't) and doesn't think about sex (I don't) but doesnt' weed out selfishness...and, that is the main problem for most of you...and your marriages (from what is written here)...

Excellent, thought-provoking post, Z!

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