Does lack of fantasies always indicate lack of libido?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2005
Does lack of fantasies always indicate lack of libido?
73
Mon, 10-18-2010 - 10:55am

Just something I've wondered about.....if someone doesn't have any sexual fantasies, does that always mean they have low or no libido? Or could they be HL (or anywhere in between), and lack of fantasies simply indicates that they just don't have any particular wishes/fantasies, that they don't care how they get some as long as they get some? Does that even make sense?




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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2010

I think it's not possible to label most women as either HL or LL. Men are the ones who tend to be steady-high. Women just don't usually work that way, where they can be labelled

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003

You make many valid points. At the same time I think there are quite a few women (including myself) who are pretty much stuck on low. It would be useful for very HL men to have strategies and tools to ferret out such women, IMO.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2010

I'm no expert by any means, but honestly I have never heard of another woman who has always been LL.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009

There are others out there in the world, including me and several other women in my family. I think it may possibly be an inherited trait in some cases. For a woman, having a low libido is no real barrier to reproduction. She just needs to be around a man who wants to have sex and she will end up pregnant (barring any fertility issues).

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Coconut,

What you describe is pretty much true of me, except that my LL went so low at one point as to be actual AVERSION. It got to the point where "going along for the ride" was starting to feel a little bit like being raped (not in the violent and scary way, but in the way I felt about myself afterwards.) After all, it was a case of him imposing his will on me, against my own. It took a lot of working on it mentally for me to figure out what was going on and try to turn it around. It's a work in progress still.

I don't have a very full "fantasy life" and I rank low on the "planning" end as well. I just don't get "juiced up" at the prospects anymore. I did once a long time ago, but that is gone. Cannot say for sure what the deal is with that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010

My fantasy life is varied and interesting, but I just don't spend a lot of time in fantasy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2010

Miranda, honestly, how you say your guy has turned out~ I can't imagine anybody liking that. Yikes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
I know, I know.....things are improving. We'll see if it lasts
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2007

I have few points to add-

If I were ever single again, I would most certainly use the T-man list. If for no other reason that it would bring the topics up in conversation early and often. You can usually tell if a person is being truthful about answers and I can tell you right now, had I brought up some of the topics right off the bat with my wife, she would have been VERY squirmish with her answers because she does not feel comfortable talking about anything sexual in nature. So, me bringing it up serves two purposes, it allows me to tell that hey, this woman is too embarrassed to talk about a subject that is important to me-and for her, she knows it is important to me and maybe SHE realizes I am not the guy for her.

I think there are a LOT of LL around, but I do think women's libidos can fluctuate a lot more than men's typically do. I think a LL can have a HIGH libido if it serves them well-meaning, if they want to secure a man for marriage or if they want to have children. I look back and am amazed at how frisky my wife was early in our relationship-she was the aggressor for sure back then but that stopped when we got married for the most part. When we wanted to have kids, again, she was very aggressive again-very into it and wanting it all the time. But, that was because she needed my sperm.

The key to all of this is as someone mentioned, what is the priority of each person involved. If your priority is making your spouse happy and you realize that physical intimacy is important to your partner, you make the time/effort/energy for it UNLESS you are very selfish. If you are selfish, you realize it is important to your spouse and you want them to be happy BUT you put what you think is more important to you as top priority. I think this is where a lot wives are, mine included. Here is a perfect example-if the kids or her job need immediate attention, they get it because she recognizes those two as top priority. She will make the time/effort/energy for her job or our kids but even though she knows I need more physical intimacy, it is just not a priority for her. Now for me, I know my job and my kids are important and I am sure to give both plenty of time/energy/effort but if my wife wants me to do something for her-run an errand, take the kids wherever, do all the laundry and all the cleaning around the house (I do that now) because she has so much school work to do, I want to do whatever I can to help her out. I want to make her happy because that is a top priority for me, even if that means just giving her a hug or an encouraging word. I hate to say I am unselfish and she is selfish but quite honestly, I think most people if they observed our household would totally agree this is the case.

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
I agree with you pappy. As with you, if I had used the Top Ten with Mrs. Hold, it would have become obvious quite early that she had trouble dealing openly with her feelings toward sex.

I also agree with zejayge that the ultimate issue is willingness to address differences of opinion. Not preventing all differences. But gauging willingness to compromise.

Where the list helps with that is precisely what you mention. Hard to imagine that the couple can work out a mutually satisfying compromise if the LL flat out can't bring themselves to talk about sex. The HL is still taking a risk that feelings will change over time. But at least the LL has shown they can talk about their feelings regarding sex.

When you see it coming, duck!

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