Frustrated with HL DH

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Registered: 03-16-2004
Frustrated with HL DH
10
Fri, 11-02-2007 - 8:18am

Arghhh.... First let me say, I do not consider myself a LL person, I consider myself an Average Libido person. I enjoy sex, I love my husband; I am also a hard-working mother of 2; I get up at 5 am 4x a week to work out, I work hard all day, and I am exhausted to the point of not being able to keep my eyes open by the time I get the kids in bed. Still, we manage to have sex 2-3 times a week.

We had sex on Saturday morning and again on Tuesday night. This morning, Friday morning, completely out of the blue before leaving for work, hubby FREAKS out on me, says he thinks we need to see a sex therapist because he can't go on living like this, with this "lack of sex." I was shocked and hurt. I don't know where this came from. I want to tell him, "If you want to really experience 'lack of sex', just keep laying this guilt trip on me." I mean, I know his L is higher than mine, he could probably do it every day, but I think 2-3 times a week after 16 years of marriage is more than respectable!?? Maybe not??

What gives??

Avatar for holdingontoit
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Registered: 02-02-2004
Fri, 11-02-2007 - 8:41am

Welcome to the forum.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2007
Fri, 11-02-2007 - 9:04am

First of all, I'm with you. Freak outs and guilt trips

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Fri, 11-02-2007 - 9:52am

Hello, maybekatie, and welcome to this board.


Let me start by saying I have been married for 20 years. About 3 years ago

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Fri, 11-02-2007 - 1:07pm
Thanks for the responses so far. Glenn, from reading some of your other posts, am I right in thinking your problem is along the lines of the line from "The Break Up," when Jennifer Aniston says to Vince Vaughn, "I don't want you to do the dishes. I want you to WANT to do the dishes." That could be what's going on w/ my husband right now. He not only wants the sex, he wants me to want it, too. And it's not that I *don't* want it, but with the hectic, exhausting pace of our lives right now, sometimes when he wants it and I am SO exhausted, I have the Vince Vaughn response of, "Why would I WANT to do dishes??" As in, why on earth would I possibly want to have, let alone initiate, sex, when by the time we can actually be alone together all my body craves more than anything in the entire world is to shut down and go to sleep???? I admit, I need to work on that attitude. But I don't think it is possible to completely change it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Fri, 11-02-2007 - 1:51pm

I don't know the ages of your children or the overall demand on your energy and time but you might tell your DH that it's the first thing on your list to attempt to rejuvenate when you get the available resources. This might even indirectly get you some help from him which, if so, I strongly recommend you try and reward him for. Remember, we give our dogs treats to teach them the behaviors we want from them and as the saying goes... "men are dogs."


Glenn

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Sat, 11-03-2007 - 11:24pm

<>

Maybe it's just me, but I find this statement to be controlling and off-putting. If that's the attitude you projected to your wife, I can't say I blame her for not following your script. I don't mean to come down hard on you, Glenn -- just sharing my honest reaction to your post.

F.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
Sun, 11-04-2007 - 9:35am

"regaining her "early-year's" sex drive again. Our youngest child was 7 and DW had found time for many of her hobbies and interests that she had before life got so busy. It seemed logical that she could add our pre-kids sex life to her list of pre-kids hobbies and interests for the sake of the husband she claimed to love."


Now, I didn't take it like that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Sun, 11-04-2007 - 11:03am

I agree with everything you wrote, lemonewton, and realize that comments can't be taken in isolation. At the same time I felt that the tone of Glenn's comment (** I ** felt it was time that ** SHE ** regained...) might provide a clue to the marital upheaval that ensued.

As a general rule, I believe it's more effective for HLs to approach LLs with comments about how the HL feels as an individual (e.g., "sex with you is important to me and I miss it") rather than comments about what the LL ought to be be doing or general comments about what's good for a relationship (e.g., "since you have time for other things, can't you make time for sex?" or "sex is an important part of marriage"). The latter type of comment is bound to put the LL on the defensive.

JMHO Freelance

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Sun, 11-04-2007 - 9:16pm

<<... rather than comments about what the LL ought to be be doing... >>


I couldn't agree more with you freelance. But remember I said "I felt" which does not necessarily denote anything about my approach toward DW. Of of the first things psychology teaches us is that all feelings are legitimate. They are real and potent, even if they are based on false beliefs.


That said, I must admit my approach was also less than perfect on numerous occasions. I evidence this by the fact that I was able to break the cycle of conflict in time and therefore had the ability all along.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2007
Sun, 11-11-2007 - 10:47am

I don't blame you for being frustrated. I'm frustrated just reading your post. Give me