Giving up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2012
Giving up.
32
Tue, 03-06-2012 - 9:03am

I am at a loss. Long story short": married 25 years, 2 adult children, financially secure, 2 career family, empty nesters, long term sexual mismatch, gone to counseling, read books, watched movies, we've done just about anything anyone can suggest (I think). I was a virgin, he was not. He has always been into sex more than me. He wants me to be horny each evening. I've tried. I'm just not. I don't know how to 'get horny" and "be ready" for him when he gets into bed. I just don't have sexual longings. I think a big part of it is ithat I am satisfied with an orgasm every few months or so, so unless we just stop having sex for a few months, I probably won't ever get to the point where I am horny and "wanting him". I do NOT expect to stop having sex. We have sex about 3 times a week, sometimes we have sex 5 or 6 times. He keeps a calendar above the bed that I am required to put a mark in as 15 years ago, in counseling, I did not "understand" that we had sex just 2 times that week and I "lied" to the counselor and said that we had sex 3 times. The calendar was my homework (counselor) the tag "liar" was from my husband. Three times has been the least amount since that particular appointment. I do not roll my eyes, tell him to hurry, or "just lay there." Trust me, I do whatever I can to bring him to an orgasm when he tells me he's ready. What I don't do is treat him like I can't get enough of him. I have acted to the best of my ability like the women on the movies that we watch several times a week, but I do a bad job and it looks fake (according to my husband) so I don't do that anymore. Just recently he has began telling me that he can't trust me as I told the counselor that most of the passion that I "act" with during sex is just that, an act. I don't feel real passion and I don't know how to bring it out of me. My husband told me that he wanted me to "act more passionate", so I did. But, now he says that he meant he wanted me to feel more passion, which I can't do; acting is all that I have if he wants passion. Because I admitted to acting, he now peppers his comments to me with stuff like "I'd ask what you want to order for dinner, but you probably wouldn't be truthful", "are you tired, be truthful now". I've been feeling like a I deserve, so I've not said much other than I'll be as truthful as I can. Becuase we've had this hyper-awareness of truth going on, I've noticed a few things and thank goodness the counselor did too. My husband said something like "I've done more around the house than most of my friends because I thought it would take some of the pressure away and you'd feel more passion. Do you think I like cleaning the cat box?" As it turns out, he's been just as dishonest as I've been. He also claimed that he had been the one having to 'act" all of these years like everything was ok. No he hasn't. He's been very vocal since day one when his sexual needs were barking. He's never accepted a turndown

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2012
In reply to: mrsataloss
Tue, 03-06-2012 - 9:10am

Realising that I did not say one positive thing about him. he is a good father, always involved. When I've needed him to back me up or help me with a health issue, he has. He is an epic gift giver and is a detail man. He brings every penny home. I have loved him in everyway possible that I can; except for the one way that he has craved. I thought I had tried to meet him in the middle but as it turns out, he doesn't want the middle. I don't fault him for yearning for more. I wish that I had more experience when I met him so that I could have known more about me. I hate that I have turned out to be a huge disappointment for him. And I understand that his anger is fueled by hurt. But he doesn't own disappointment. I am disappointed too, in myself and him. He doesn't own hurt, I've been hurt by the years of being told that I am not doing it (sex) right. He doesn't own failure, I've failed him, me, our children, my family. I am, however to the point of not caring. It's time to cut our losses, even if the community has to know we are divorcing. I don't know what to do about the diary pages that he has, my sister will be hurt that I took a chance of writing down things she has told me. I don't know what to do about the pictures he has, I let him take them so beause he seemed so excited about it. My children will be humiliated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
In reply to: mrsataloss
Tue, 03-06-2012 - 9:39am

It saddens me to read your story.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
In reply to: mrsataloss
Tue, 03-06-2012 - 10:11am

"I am so angry that he seems to cut me down at every point."

He is selfish and vindictive and if he is threatening to show people nude pitures of you and the pages from your diary, then he doesn;t rate very high on the maturity scale either. You said he is a good father, wel no not really, a good father would not cut down their mother at every opportunity. A good father would not threaten their mother with emabarassment, which will also embarass the children.

A good man would not post a calendar above the bed and expect hash marks denoting every time you had sex. A good man would not consistently call his wife a liar.

You say you turned out to be ahuge disappointment to him, because you weren't sexually experienced enough? If you had been, at this point he wilod be calling you a slut.

Get a good lawyer and reclaim your life.

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
In reply to: mrsataloss
Tue, 03-06-2012 - 10:26am
I feel for both of you. Such a tragedy. I think you behaved graciously and he seems to take what you have offered for granted, but as a frustrated HL (higher libido partner) I feel his pain as well.

Wish there were a magic wand we could wave to resolve this. Maybe if you express to your H that you are serious about leaving, he may regret his harsh words and internally inconsistent statements. Best wishes for a positive resolution.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2011
In reply to: mrsataloss
Tue, 03-06-2012 - 2:12pm

mrs.

First, to help you put things in perspective, 3 times a month is the high end of the sexual frequency scale in my marriage. Once is more the norm. I would be thrilled with 3 times per week.

Next, how can your husband possibly expect you to feel any sort of passion towards him given the way he treats you? I don't know what to tell you except that I find it remarkable that you have remained in the marriage this long. Do not let him bully you with threats of what he will do to your reputation should you leave him. If you do leave, have friends nearby whom you can talk to about what you are feeling and tell them what the truth is.

Above all don't let your husband keep bullying you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
In reply to: mrsataloss
Tue, 03-06-2012 - 7:27pm
You've got adult children. You and your husband are very far apart sexually. Your husband is unwilling, and possibly unable, to accept what you have to give him. You're both angry at each other. Maybe this is a good time to call the marriage a day. It sounds like you'd both be happier for it.

I suggest you not take the bait when he threatens to show your pictures around, or anything else. If he does, he does. People aren't stupid and will figure out what's what.

Good luck,

Freelance
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2012
In reply to: mrsataloss
Tue, 03-06-2012 - 7:56pm

Thank you so much for the replies. He has left for the evening, he said he wants to be where he's appreciated. Me too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
In reply to: mrsataloss
Tue, 03-06-2012 - 8:00pm
Maybe you should not be there when he comes home. Be where you are appreciated
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
In reply to: mrsataloss
Tue, 03-06-2012 - 8:15pm
Left where? He doesn't live with you?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
In reply to: mrsataloss
Wed, 03-07-2012 - 12:37am
Wow, threatening to show pages of your private diary and nude pictures around. This sounds like something a high school kid would do to scare his GF into getting what he wants. I think you should quick call a locksmith and change the locks BEFORE he comes home. That is after you put all his belongings in trash bags and throw them out in the driveway.

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