Giving up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2012
Giving up.
32
Tue, 03-06-2012 - 9:03am

I am at a loss. Long story short": married 25 years, 2 adult children, financially secure, 2 career family, empty nesters, long term sexual mismatch, gone to counseling, read books, watched movies, we've done just about anything anyone can suggest (I think). I was a virgin, he was not. He has always been into sex more than me. He wants me to be horny each evening. I've tried. I'm just not. I don't know how to 'get horny" and "be ready" for him when he gets into bed. I just don't have sexual longings. I think a big part of it is ithat I am satisfied with an orgasm every few months or so, so unless we just stop having sex for a few months, I probably won't ever get to the point where I am horny and "wanting him". I do NOT expect to stop having sex. We have sex about 3 times a week, sometimes we have sex 5 or 6 times. He keeps a calendar above the bed that I am required to put a mark in as 15 years ago, in counseling, I did not "understand" that we had sex just 2 times that week and I "lied" to the counselor and said that we had sex 3 times. The calendar was my homework (counselor) the tag "liar" was from my husband. Three times has been the least amount since that particular appointment. I do not roll my eyes, tell him to hurry, or "just lay there." Trust me, I do whatever I can to bring him to an orgasm when he tells me he's ready. What I don't do is treat him like I can't get enough of him. I have acted to the best of my ability like the women on the movies that we watch several times a week, but I do a bad job and it looks fake (according to my husband) so I don't do that anymore. Just recently he has began telling me that he can't trust me as I told the counselor that most of the passion that I "act" with during sex is just that, an act. I don't feel real passion and I don't know how to bring it out of me. My husband told me that he wanted me to "act more passionate", so I did. But, now he says that he meant he wanted me to feel more passion, which I can't do; acting is all that I have if he wants passion. Because I admitted to acting, he now peppers his comments to me with stuff like "I'd ask what you want to order for dinner, but you probably wouldn't be truthful", "are you tired, be truthful now". I've been feeling like a I deserve, so I've not said much other than I'll be as truthful as I can. Becuase we've had this hyper-awareness of truth going on, I've noticed a few things and thank goodness the counselor did too. My husband said something like "I've done more around the house than most of my friends because I thought it would take some of the pressure away and you'd feel more passion. Do you think I like cleaning the cat box?" As it turns out, he's been just as dishonest as I've been. He also claimed that he had been the one having to 'act" all of these years like everything was ok. No he hasn't. He's been very vocal since day one when his sexual needs were barking. He's never accepted a turndown

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
In reply to: mrsataloss
Sat, 03-10-2012 - 11:46am
You can get "me time" and still tell your partner where you're going and remain available in case of emergency. That's hardly an excuse to act like you have no commitments or responsibilities. Besides the examples mentioned have nothing to do with one partner wanting "me time". They've been a case of one partner arbitrarily choosing to act like they were single and could come and go as they pleased, one even going so far as to incite arguments to justify their leaving. If you think they left to get some innocuous "me time", I've got a bridge to sell ya...
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
In reply to: mrsataloss
Sat, 03-10-2012 - 11:23pm

I agree, that is extremely disrespectful, and this dh sounds very controlling and mean towards his wife, just sayin'.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
In reply to: mrsataloss
Mon, 03-12-2012 - 10:38am

its the type of behavior that breaks up marriages. I agree 100% with what you said - with kids and marriage comes responsibility and commitmen. Everyone needs ther :me time" but its immature and selfish to think that you can just disappear at will to get it.l

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
In reply to: mrsataloss
Mon, 03-12-2012 - 1:39pm
And it's the turning off his cell phone when he's gone for hours that would really be an issue for me. My H's "me time" is going to play golf either by himself or with a friend or 2. If he goes alone he's gone for 3 or so hours. If he goes with other (s) he could be gone 5 hours or more. And I think he well deserves this "me time" twice a week. However if an emergency comes up with me or one of the boys (unfortunately one of our sons has been involved in 2 near fatal car accidents which were not his fault) one in which he was hit head on by a drunk driver. When this happpened my H was 45 min out on a golf course..Had I not been able to reach him by phone I would have been beside myself. So to me it's imperative that I am always able to reach him at all times.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
In reply to: mrsataloss
Mon, 03-12-2012 - 3:06pm
Agreed, if you want to act like a single person with no responsibilities answerable to no one, then STAY single, and DON'T procreate. There's no need to be together 24/7 365, but the fact remains that you chose a PARTNER, not an employee. You are accountable to ONE ANOTHER. Just my .02
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
In reply to: mrsataloss
Mon, 03-12-2012 - 4:35pm

The one thing that

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
In reply to: mrsataloss
Mon, 03-12-2012 - 5:01pm
I think he should at least be willing to put it on totally silent and put it in his bag so he can look at it at a good stopping point for him. Would he be willing to do that? That's what I did in class, that's what the Mr and I do at the movies....
Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
In reply to: mrsataloss
Mon, 03-12-2012 - 5:15pm
My problem is his wanting to have the family's only car while he is on "me time" for hours. How about he drops the car off at home and gets a ride to "me time" if he wants to be totally out of contact? Oh no, then he will looked "whipped" to his friends. I agree, this is not good partnering behavior.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
In reply to: mrsataloss
Mon, 03-12-2012 - 6:09pm
My H just keeps it in the golf cart somewhere. He will check it occasionally when he gets back to the cart after every few holes or so.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
In reply to: mrsataloss
Tue, 03-13-2012 - 6:52am

Agree that responsibility and commitment are needed, and it's interesting to reflect on how that could apply to the ML situation as well.

But many people hate responsibilty and being called on self-serving behaviors.