Giving up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2012
Giving up.
32
Tue, 03-06-2012 - 9:03am

I am at a loss. Long story short": married 25 years, 2 adult children, financially secure, 2 career family, empty nesters, long term sexual mismatch, gone to counseling, read books, watched movies, we've done just about anything anyone can suggest (I think). I was a virgin, he was not. He has always been into sex more than me. He wants me to be horny each evening. I've tried. I'm just not. I don't know how to 'get horny" and "be ready" for him when he gets into bed. I just don't have sexual longings. I think a big part of it is ithat I am satisfied with an orgasm every few months or so, so unless we just stop having sex for a few months, I probably won't ever get to the point where I am horny and "wanting him". I do NOT expect to stop having sex. We have sex about 3 times a week, sometimes we have sex 5 or 6 times. He keeps a calendar above the bed that I am required to put a mark in as 15 years ago, in counseling, I did not "understand" that we had sex just 2 times that week and I "lied" to the counselor and said that we had sex 3 times. The calendar was my homework (counselor) the tag "liar" was from my husband. Three times has been the least amount since that particular appointment. I do not roll my eyes, tell him to hurry, or "just lay there." Trust me, I do whatever I can to bring him to an orgasm when he tells me he's ready. What I don't do is treat him like I can't get enough of him. I have acted to the best of my ability like the women on the movies that we watch several times a week, but I do a bad job and it looks fake (according to my husband) so I don't do that anymore. Just recently he has began telling me that he can't trust me as I told the counselor that most of the passion that I "act" with during sex is just that, an act. I don't feel real passion and I don't know how to bring it out of me. My husband told me that he wanted me to "act more passionate", so I did. But, now he says that he meant he wanted me to feel more passion, which I can't do; acting is all that I have if he wants passion. Because I admitted to acting, he now peppers his comments to me with stuff like "I'd ask what you want to order for dinner, but you probably wouldn't be truthful", "are you tired, be truthful now". I've been feeling like a I deserve, so I've not said much other than I'll be as truthful as I can. Becuase we've had this hyper-awareness of truth going on, I've noticed a few things and thank goodness the counselor did too. My husband said something like "I've done more around the house than most of my friends because I thought it would take some of the pressure away and you'd feel more passion. Do you think I like cleaning the cat box?" As it turns out, he's been just as dishonest as I've been. He also claimed that he had been the one having to 'act" all of these years like everything was ok. No he hasn't. He's been very vocal since day one when his sexual needs were barking. He's never accepted a turndown

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2011
In reply to: mrsataloss
Wed, 03-07-2012 - 6:56am

He left our house for the evening; don't know where he went. He is an attorney; our state isn't one that would look favorably on me changing the locks and denying him access to a home he jointly owns. That's movie stuff, I think. Not sure what is going on. Our situation has taken a nasty turn since he has been asked to explain his double standard on truth. He is selfish, but so am I. We've both been terrible to each other. A divorce will be nasty, but I think it's the only answer for me. I think I'm in a vengful mood. I really want him to explain how my pasionate act, that he requested, is more decietful than his "helping around the house to get more sex" act. It really doesn't matter, but the double standard is driving me crazy. He has spent so much time putting me down for my failure as a spouse and now I want to return it full force. That is why I think we should end it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2011
In reply to: mrsataloss
Wed, 03-07-2012 - 8:12am
alwaysfalling wrote:

He left our house for the evening; don't know where he went. He is an attorney; our state isn't one that would look favorably on me changing the locks and denying him access to a home he jointly owns. That's movie stuff, I think. Not sure what is going on. Our situation has taken a nasty turn since he has been asked to explain his double standard on truth. He is selfish, but so am I. We've both been terrible to each other. A divorce will be nasty, but I think it's the only answer for me. I think I'm in a vengful mood. I really want him to explain how my pasionate act, that he requested, is more decietful than his "helping around the house to get more sex" act. It really doesn't matter, but the double standard is driving me crazy. He has spent so much time putting me down for my failure as a spouse and now I want to return it full force. That is why I think we should end it.

You have sex three times a week despite having no sexual longings.

That's not good enough for him.

You mark each sexual occasion on a calendar to make sure you don't "lie."

That's not good enough for him.

He told you he wanted you to act more passionate, so you did.

That's not good enough for him.

At this point, it must

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
In reply to: mrsataloss
Wed, 03-07-2012 - 11:52am

He left our house for the evening; don't know where he went.

This boggles my mind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2011
In reply to: mrsataloss
Wed, 03-07-2012 - 2:16pm
magnaniman wrote:

He left our house for the evening; don't know where he went.

This boggles my mind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
In reply to: mrsataloss
Wed, 03-07-2012 - 2:30pm

This preference of his made the years when the children were babies and young children quite difficult ones. But I learned how to cope with anything and everything on my own. We don't expect him until we see him. And there's no point calling him on the cell phone. He doesn't like to carry one, and even when he does it's silenced, out of juice, or turned off.

Again, that's not acceptable to me nor is that acceptable to my DW.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
In reply to: mrsataloss
Thu, 03-08-2012 - 12:20am

I wouldn't accept that either. I'm sure there's a reason he never has a working cell phone on him when he pulls these disappearing acts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
In reply to: mrsataloss
Thu, 03-08-2012 - 9:22am

Unfortunately, its pretty common, and its the reason my ex attained staus as EX! He just would not come home from work, would not answer the phone. Kid would ask where he was, I coulod not answer. Its disrespectful to your partner, and it is certainly not checking up on someone.

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
In reply to: mrsataloss
Fri, 03-09-2012 - 9:29pm

ROFL: he does not need to tell anyone where he went that is his prerogative.

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
In reply to: mrsataloss
Sat, 03-10-2012 - 9:26am
So you don't think a spouse has a duty and obligation to inform their partner where they are and where they are going, to a reasonable degree? And to be able to be reached if/when necessary? I really don't understand that mentality at all, especially if you have kids.
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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
In reply to: mrsataloss
Sat, 03-10-2012 - 11:09am

People need "me" time.

dragowoman