Giving up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2012
Giving up.
32
Tue, 03-06-2012 - 9:03am

I am at a loss. Long story short": married 25 years, 2 adult children, financially secure, 2 career family, empty nesters, long term sexual mismatch, gone to counseling, read books, watched movies, we've done just about anything anyone can suggest (I think). I was a virgin, he was not. He has always been into sex more than me. He wants me to be horny each evening. I've tried. I'm just not. I don't know how to 'get horny" and "be ready" for him when he gets into bed. I just don't have sexual longings. I think a big part of it is ithat I am satisfied with an orgasm every few months or so, so unless we just stop having sex for a few months, I probably won't ever get to the point where I am horny and "wanting him". I do NOT expect to stop having sex. We have sex about 3 times a week, sometimes we have sex 5 or 6 times. He keeps a calendar above the bed that I am required to put a mark in as 15 years ago, in counseling, I did not "understand" that we had sex just 2 times that week and I "lied" to the counselor and said that we had sex 3 times. The calendar was my homework (counselor) the tag "liar" was from my husband. Three times has been the least amount since that particular appointment. I do not roll my eyes, tell him to hurry, or "just lay there." Trust me, I do whatever I can to bring him to an orgasm when he tells me he's ready. What I don't do is treat him like I can't get enough of him. I have acted to the best of my ability like the women on the movies that we watch several times a week, but I do a bad job and it looks fake (according to my husband) so I don't do that anymore. Just recently he has began telling me that he can't trust me as I told the counselor that most of the passion that I "act" with during sex is just that, an act. I don't feel real passion and I don't know how to bring it out of me. My husband told me that he wanted me to "act more passionate", so I did. But, now he says that he meant he wanted me to feel more passion, which I can't do; acting is all that I have if he wants passion. Because I admitted to acting, he now peppers his comments to me with stuff like "I'd ask what you want to order for dinner, but you probably wouldn't be truthful", "are you tired, be truthful now". I've been feeling like a I deserve, so I've not said much other than I'll be as truthful as I can. Becuase we've had this hyper-awareness of truth going on, I've noticed a few things and thank goodness the counselor did too. My husband said something like "I've done more around the house than most of my friends because I thought it would take some of the pressure away and you'd feel more passion. Do you think I like cleaning the cat box?" As it turns out, he's been just as dishonest as I've been. He also claimed that he had been the one having to 'act" all of these years like everything was ok. No he hasn't. He's been very vocal since day one when his sexual needs were barking. He's never accepted a turndown

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
In reply to: mrsataloss
Tue, 03-06-2012 - 9:39am

It saddens me to read your story.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2012
In reply to: mrsataloss
Tue, 03-06-2012 - 9:10am

Realising that I did not say one positive thing about him. he is a good father, always involved. When I've needed him to back me up or help me with a health issue, he has. He is an epic gift giver and is a detail man. He brings every penny home. I have loved him in everyway possible that I can; except for the one way that he has craved. I thought I had tried to meet him in the middle but as it turns out, he doesn't want the middle. I don't fault him for yearning for more. I wish that I had more experience when I met him so that I could have known more about me. I hate that I have turned out to be a huge disappointment for him. And I understand that his anger is fueled by hurt. But he doesn't own disappointment. I am disappointed too, in myself and him. He doesn't own hurt, I've been hurt by the years of being told that I am not doing it (sex) right. He doesn't own failure, I've failed him, me, our children, my family. I am, however to the point of not caring. It's time to cut our losses, even if the community has to know we are divorcing. I don't know what to do about the diary pages that he has, my sister will be hurt that I took a chance of writing down things she has told me. I don't know what to do about the pictures he has, I let him take them so beause he seemed so excited about it. My children will be humiliated.

Pages