Handling GF w/ HL?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2008
Handling GF w/ HL?
26
Tue, 04-08-2008 - 4:37pm

I know this is a role-reverse, but here's the situation.

My GF of almost 2 years (we've been living together for 6 months), has a high libido. My libido is not as high (or, at least as high as she expects). We have sex, on average, 3-4 times/week, which I am fine with. I am happy with the sex, and pleasing her is usually not very difficult (she usually orgasms during intercourse...most often before I do).

However, she is typically 'disappointed' if there are nights where I am tired and decide to just go to bed, and she even asks, "So, why did you turn me down last night?" I also work from home, and if she is home during 'business hours', she will occasionally try to initiate something. She gets annoyed when I say, "Do I come to your work and try to take your clothes off?" (this only after she persists with her advances). She will also interrupt if I am in the middle of something (checking email or whatnot) and gets mad if I don't always accept her advances. Don't get me wrong...I like the spontaneity sometimes and don't always reject her advances, but it tends to get annoying when she does this multiple times/week. She won't even let her period interrupt her advances, and usually says, "So what?" when I bring it up.

In short, I do love her, but this issue needs to be addressed, but I don't know how. We have talked about sex before, and she has said she is 'happy' with our sex life, but I can't help but think that's a lie.

Any ideas/suggestions/tips about handling this situation?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2008
In reply to: bosox3
Tue, 04-08-2008 - 5:49pm

Actually, after spending time on this board, I don't think it's a role reversal at all. I think more men are low libido than we can even guess. My boyfriend has a lower libido than I do, so our relationship is similar to yours. I actually think she's pretty lucky to get sex 3-4 times per week, but then I am in a LDR too, so who knows how often it would be if we were in a "normal" situation.

Let me take a guess at what might be going on here. You correct me if I am wrong, because I am coming at this from my POV. She does most or all of the initiation and work during the sex act. This is because she genuinely wants sex more often than you do, but it makes her feel insecure, unsexy, and unwanted when she feels like she is doing all of the work. How do you fix this--by initiating more often. If she feels like you still want her, it will be easier for her to understand when you say no to sex during work. How do you do this? By initiating before she has a chance to. Even if you have to do it in the middle of dinner. By controlling how often the both of you have sex, then you make both of you happy, and she may not feel as rejected on the nights you say no or turn her down. Do you think you can do this? Because it sounds like you like and want sex, just maybe not as often as she does.

My BF and I went through a time when I felt like I was doing all the initiation and all the work, and I was unhappy with the resulting sex. He never said no, but he was not fully engaged and I felt like I was a masturbation aid. So I read around this board for awhile, and decided to stop initiating sex altogether. Now, he seems like he wants it more often, is more engaged during and our sex life has improved. I have started to initiate again. My idea could have completely backfired on me, but my honest feeling was that he wasn't truly no libido--just that his was lower than mine and he had to feel like he needed to be engaged again. Since it might be hard to explain this to your GF, maybe a little reverse psychology is in order.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2008
In reply to: bosox3
Tue, 04-08-2008 - 6:15pm

Thanks for your response/insight. However, initiation isn't an issue. It was, but that was an issue we talked through. She felt like she always 'started' the intimacy, and I agreed that she did start it most of the time. But, she also conceded that maybe it was because she would just get a 'jump' on me initiating it (being more random than me), or not recognize that sometimes it was me (cuddling with her, rubbing her shoulders, playfully tickling, etc). Since then, I'd say she still does initiate it more, but that's only because of the aforementioned issue. Its kind of a catch-22, in that I try to initiate more and be more random, but because she initiates so often, its hard to catch up to her w/o having sex multiple times/day. I will say that when we do it, its probably a 60/40 balance in her favor. I'd think if the HL vs. LL dilemma is solved, it would take care of the initiation imbalance though (although its not a vocalized issue anymore).

I do see what you're saying though...maybe I should step up a lot more and be as random as I can. But, is that just not me hiding the fact that I may not be in the mood? I feel as though if I were to do this, and we went a couple weeks of having sex 6, 7+ times, then it may be worse when it levels off again (if she learns to 'expect' the new behavior on a regular basis).

I appreciate the feedback, but I don't feel that is the underlying cause of the issue. Thanks though.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2008
In reply to: bosox3
Tue, 04-08-2008 - 7:08pm
Well, since you have already discussed it once, can you sit down and discuss how often may be a good compromise for you both? Ask her to stop initiating for awhile and see what your level of comfort is? Maybe you can come to a compromise.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
In reply to: bosox3
Tue, 04-08-2008 - 7:18pm

"We have sex, on average, 3-4 times/week, which I am fine with. I am happy with the sex, and pleasing her is usually not very difficult (she usually orgasms during intercourse...most often before I do)."


This is the hard part for the low libido person, which you can see is all relative.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2002
In reply to: bosox3
Wed, 04-09-2008 - 8:28am

>>Any ideas/suggestions/tips about handling this situation?

Simplest and easiest way to get her to slow down and maybe even stop wanting sex is to marry her. I know that worked for many of us here.

Dirty

Where there's marriage without love, there will be love without marriage. Benjamin Franklin
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2007
In reply to: bosox3
Wed, 04-09-2008 - 11:29am

That was my thought


She's dying for the attention & likes it thru sex. Because "all men want sex." As soon as she ropes him in, it'll turn off. But I hope I'm wrong.


Good distraction frees us from emotional pain, bad distraction gives you a mouth full of whizz. ~~~ Guru Tugginmypudha
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2008
In reply to: bosox3
Wed, 04-09-2008 - 3:46pm

"She's dying for the attention & likes it thru sex. Because "all men want sex." As soon as she ropes him in, it'll turn off."

C'mon you guys, you know that's not true. There are plenty of married woman on this board who feel they aren't getting enough sex from their men. I think it's equally as likely that *she* will get less than he will.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2007
In reply to: bosox3
Fri, 04-11-2008 - 5:09am

I think he should handle it just like all the LL's handle the rest of us by just saying "No". We are still dating or are still married to them. Just stop caring how she feels and do what you want. That is what the LL's do.


Hey you have all the power. You make all the decisions on sex. Just be indifferent. Do only what you want. You shouldn't care about your partners feelings or wants at all. Have sex when you what to. Do what you want in bed. Stop worrying how she feels. You need some LL practice! The LL's still throw you out of their "club" if you don't start acting right LOL

Just havin' FUN. Don't get hysterical.All you LL's!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2008
In reply to: bosox3
Fri, 04-11-2008 - 11:02am

I hope you have

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2007
In reply to: bosox3
Fri, 04-11-2008 - 5:25pm
Should be fun! I couldn't resist! It was just there and I thought about not posting it but I couldn't help myself "HeHe" LOL :)
 

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