haven't been in the mood at all lately

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
haven't been in the mood at all lately
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 7:24pm

So, I'm only 20 years old, and have been with my boyfriend for about 2. We live together, and our actual relationship is better than ever. I've been having a lot of headache/migraine/nerve pain issues lately, and have been from medication to medication. But, right now I'm only on 2, and neither have any side effects of loss of libido. It's since December or so I've been feeling like this. I've been craving more cuddling, backrubs, kissing not leading to anything, etc. But, I haven't felt at all horny, and if he tries to help me, the sexual feelings can come and go in a minute. I think in the last month we only had sex one or two times, and it was because I felt that it would make me feel better. It didn't.

My boyfriend is being great through this, and we actually had a long discussion after his freak out when I told him I haven't been interested at all lately, and was faking being interested for him. We both came to the conclusion that I was subconsciously pressuring myself to have sex with him. He doesn't pressure me, and in fact now he's taking a hands off approach and not even letting me know he misses sex. He wants me to come to him when I'm ready, but at this point I don't forsee me ever wanting sex again. Not sure why really, because I do like the closeness and bond I feel.

I've never had a high sex drive at all, and until I met him I never even thought about sex or anything. I've never felt like masterbating.

How can I get that sexualness back in our relationship? If he starts touching me that way, then I feel like he wants sex--probably because I don't orgasm from it so he gets all the pleasure. I used to love just pleasing him like that and not caring if I felt much, but now I guess I've been selfish. If he gives me an orgasm through other means, I feel obligated to return the favor even though he doesn't say anything. What am I doing or thinking wrong? Where should I start?

Thank you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 11:40pm

Hi there,

I'm also a "constitutional" LL -- meaning I've always been this way. Not everyone will agree with me, but I believe that if we LLs form relationships with partners who have a higher libido, we're signing on for having sex when we don't feel like it, at least SOME OF THE TIME. You can't change your libido but you may be able to change your attitude. Instead of thinking of your DH's advances as "pressure," could you reframe them as "tangible evidence of his love and need for you?" Perhaps you could also reframe giving him sexual pleasure as "taking care of the man you love." Just a thought.


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2005
Sat, 02-10-2007 - 1:13pm

Wow, I could have written that post myself. It is EXACTLY what I am going through, right down to how long I have been dating my boyfriend. I don't have any advice, in fact, I found this website to come ask the exact same question, but instead I will just wait and see if you get any more replies. This board seems kinda slow, if you don't get any more replies, I suggest going to the Let's Talk About Sex board, it is pretty active.


Good luck!