He just doesn't want it as much as I do

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
He just doesn't want it as much as I do
26
Sun, 04-11-2010 - 5:19pm

I went back to work part time in order to take some of the stress off of DH who was so obviously overworked and stressed by having to support the family alone. He isn't working as much and has more time to spend with the family as he desired. I thought this would resolve our problems.

Since our daughter was born (almost 2 years ago) we fell out of rhythm. We used to have sex at least once a week, now it's down to once a month at most. It has been up to once every 3-4 months. This is killing me!

I gave up him initiating as he used to and started taking things into my own hands however he always says he is too tired and "reschedules." Only to say that he is too tired again. I get that he is tired, as am I, but I think that it is important for our relationship.

It is not like the romance is completely gone either, he is still loving and affectionate outside of the bedroom. We are still as in love, if not more than when we started dating.

I try to get him to talk but he just says that it is nothing and he is tired. It obviously isn't nothing since it has so drastically taken a down turn.

I thought it might be something physical since he will be 50 in a couple of years, but he has no problems performing when it comes down to it. The trouble is just in getting him to that point.

Any suggestions/comments? I am open to anything!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sun, 04-11-2010 - 8:03pm
Hi Could it be his self image is damaged? It also could be depression. I think a sex therapist who is an MD. might be in order. Because it could be a combination of events that have triggered this.
How he was conditioned, his feelings of self. etc.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Mon, 04-12-2010 - 5:28am

Congratulations for taking some action on this issue: if you can prevent it becoming entrenched, that will help a lot.


There are many factors that can result in lower interest, as noted above, things like depression and stress.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Mon, 04-12-2010 - 9:34am

I just wanted to chime in regarding "tiredness" I suffer from hypothyroidism, as well as being sleep deprived most of the time. DH doesn't work a regular schedule and stays up till all hours, and thinks nothing of doing things that will wake me (I am a light sleeper) He ALWAYS wakes me up when he gets into bed, (intentionally at least 1/2 the time) and he refuses to walk the dogs when I am home so they also wake me up, because they need to "go." I am EXHAUSTED, and he still sees my being 'tired' as an excuse. On my weekends, he frequently runs me ragged, running errands or working on projects he could work on during the week but doesn't. If we had our weekends free, I would be friskier then. If I got good nights sleep a few times a week, I'd be friskier. But this never happens.

What I am saying is that sometimes people really ARE just tired. When this board used to have an expert posting ("ask an expert" or some such thing) she used to say "Sexual energy is excess energy." It's true. It is especially true for LLs. Try to pay attention to the amount of rest someone is getting, and don't try to start something when you KNOW they're exhausted, it's just disrespectful. When we went on vacation and had nothing that we HAD to do, I initiated sex almost every night, and sometimes during the day. You'd think he would be able to figure it out....




Edited 4/12/2010 3:35 pm ET by mirandarr8
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Mon, 04-12-2010 - 3:30pm
...Miranda your husband seem so inconsiderate that I don't even know what to say...but, from another angle...I used the 'I'm tired' "excuse" all of the time during my first marriage...when, in all actuality I had spent an hour cleaning, an hour cooking, an hour running errands, and the rest of the day playing with my son, reading, catching up on the talk shows, walking...and, what ever else I chose to do...I think (not in your case) that 'I'm tired' is a 'go to' "excuse"...let's face it..."I'm just not that into you anymore" will go over like a lead balloon...
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Mon, 04-12-2010 - 3:33pm

I know it can be an excuse, but sometimes it is true. It is worth looking at to try to determine which it is.

roo and snowy siggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
Mon, 04-12-2010 - 10:54pm

My husband has always been a night owl, used to work at night, watch our oldest daughter during the day and never sleep. As he has gotten older though he has to be in bed earlier in order to be fully rested (though he does start his day anywhere from 4-6am).

He is always up for morning sex (no pun intended), but that just doesn't work out for our schedules unless we both happen to be off work or awake before the kids on the weekends (which rarely happens).

Our two year old is our youngest and he had a vasectomy last January. I have thought that might have something to do with it? I was the one who was open to the possibility of another baby, but he was completely against it and went ahead with the procedure. I wasn't going to tell him what to do with his own body.

I thought that might spice things up, not having to worry about another child in rapid succession (our youngest 2 are 13 months apart) or fuss over protection, but it seems like he feels lesser because of it?

I might be reaching here, but I just don't get it. When I try to talk to him about it he says that he's just tired and that's all. He is definitely spunkier on the weekends when there is nothing going on.

I'm just really at a loss which prompted me to post here. You all seem to know just what we're going through and I appreciate everyones comments/advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Mon, 04-12-2010 - 11:51pm

He is always up for morning sex (no pun intended), but that just doesn't work out for our schedules unless we both happen to be off work or awake before the kids on the weekends (which rarely happens).


Just a passing thought: What if you went to bed earlier and got up with him to take advantage of his morning randiness more often? I don't know, maybe it wouldn't solve the problem, but the symptoms might get easier to handle.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2008
Wed, 04-14-2010 - 2:42am

Miranda...I have to second your post.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Wed, 04-14-2010 - 9:00am

My antibody levels are normal. TSH is below 3. I take armour.

I am still tired, but I am beginning to realize that I'm tired because I'm TIRED. I run too hard. Here's a good day for me: dogs got me up at 5:30, tried to go back to sleep until 6:30, no dice, too close to wakeup time. Got up had breakfast was at work before 7:30. Worked till 4:30, came home, (empty house, a total treat!!) immediately began ironing that needed to get done over the weekend, but couldn't get done because DH had me out in the yard making flower beds ALL weekend. Ironed until a little after 6. DH got home, I put away ironing board and supplies, then made dinner. By the time dinner was over, and leftovers were put away, it was 7. I tried to watch American Idol while DH pinched, poked, grabbed, groped and did anything else he could think of to hurt/annoy me. I then watched "Glee" mostly un-molested, because he fell asleep early on during the program. at 9:30 I let the dogs out and in, then got in the shower. Went to bed and was asleep almost instantly around 9:45. Then DS was knocking on the door at 10, to give his dad the sandwich he bought him while at work. DH got up, went to his desk, ate sandwich, I went back to sleep. at 10:20, one of the dogs is going nuts, DH wakes me up and asks me when they were out last then informs me they need to go out. We had terse words/discussion, I put out the dog, came back to bed, now too angry to fall back asleep quickly. Finally fell asleep around 11. DH came to bed sometime between 12 and 1 (at which time I woke up briefly.) This morning dogs got me up at 5:50 and we start all over again.

That is a GOOD day, the bad ones are much worse. I'm just tired, worn out, exhausted, have no spare energy for sex.

Not hard to understand if you objectively look at my schedule.

roo and snowy siggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
Wed, 04-14-2010 - 9:17am

MIRANDA!!!!

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