He wants the same as 20 yrs ago

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2009
He wants the same as 20 yrs ago
48
Wed, 08-12-2009 - 11:25am

Ok, I know when we first got married I was ready at the drop of a shoe.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2008
Wed, 08-12-2009 - 6:29pm

Well, first try to understand that it's not your husband who has changed in this relationship--it's you who has changed. He still wants the great sex life you used to have, and you--don't. I'm sure he is feeling a bit confused and betrayed right now. The reasons are understandable, menopause often does a whammy on a women's libido, and the BC pills aren't helping in that area--they often lower libido. You need to go back to your doctor and explain that you need some help in this area, because it's affecting your marriage. If the doctor looks at you like you are crazy--which he/she will probably do--ask for another doctor. I usually try and choose female GYNs because I want to avoid the whole tendency to be dismissive and condescending to your concerns that male GYNs often display--but I've run into a couple of female GYNs that are the same way.

At the same time, try and get across to your DH that while you are trying to address the problem, a little understanding and patience from his end will go a lot farther than impatience and anger will. Offer to go to marriage counseling with him if he is having too much trouble understanding it. And be honest with him--while you are going to try and recover some of your libido, it will probably NEVER be at the same level it was when the two of you met. Compromise means neither person gets exactly what they want, and ask him to compromise with you. You will try and increase your interest as much as you can, and try to have sex even when you aren't really interested, as long as he doesn't expect the hot monkey sex you two had at the beginning of the relationship. Hopefully you both can meet somewhere in the middle, otherwise it might mean the end of the relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Wed, 08-12-2009 - 8:03pm

"And if I can't or don't want to do something he takes it so personal as if I don't want him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2009
Wed, 08-12-2009 - 10:48pm

Not being LL, I'm going to stay out of the larger discussion. I'll just say I understand your husband's reaction. Once upon a time, you may have

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2007
Thu, 08-13-2009 - 7:46am

Being LL, I completely understand where you are coming from and am to be honest disbelieving as to your h's 'requirements'. Surely a grown up mature man of 45+ I assume will see and comprehend that it is NOT possible for a woman of your age, after 20 years of marriage, with two teeange children and going through menopause to even remotely resemble the carefree horny youngster of 20 years ago. That he is even asking this is inconceivable to me. He hasn't changed because he hasn't had children and menopause and is HH - therefore doesn't understand. The usual HL/LL conflict where LLs will side with you, and HLs with your h.... I mean, my bf and I have been together for 5 + years, I am nowhere near menopausal and have no children, yet if he asked me to have as much sex and in the ways that we did when we first met...uh uh, no way. I'd be performing a chore and getting incredibly resentful in the process. I wouldn't last a week.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Thu, 08-13-2009 - 9:50am
...so, what has been your compromise?...he wants hot sex at the drop of a hat and you've suggested that he have sex with other women...what is the middle ground and is he so self centered that he won't consider a middle ground as any sort of progress at all?...
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2009
Thu, 08-13-2009 - 3:41pm

Thank you to all of you.. at least I know I am not crazy..

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Thu, 08-13-2009 - 9:21pm

"The only reason I suggested he find someone else is he has threatened it several times when I was not in the mood."


Has any of that research show that if

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2007
Fri, 08-14-2009 - 6:59am

'..As we age, you need to work more toward "Just doing it" and let that help get you in the "mood" or finding things that help to get you somewhat in the mood.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2007
Fri, 08-14-2009 - 1:36pm

how often can one 'just do it' and not get mad with resentment??

A matter of perspective. If it is seen as a act of giving to the other partner. Not as a chore to do, or as them taking from you.

Good distraction frees us from emotional pain, bad distraction gives you a mouth full of whizz. ~~~ Guru Tugginmypudha
Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Fri, 08-14-2009 - 1:53pm

That seems to be one of the key factors predicting success or failure in resolving ML. Whether the LL feels "used", "taken advantage of", etc. Some LLs may not want sex for themselves very often, but when they do have sex it feels like a shared experience - even if sex occurred only because the HL asked for it. Other LLs feel that if they ever have sex when they did not want it for themselves, they have been violated. Some LLS are insulted that the HL would even ask.

Not saying it is wrong for any LL to feel how they feel. Just saying that if they feel used after sex, that will make it much more difficult for the couple to resolve their ML.

When you see it coming, duck!

When you see it coming, duck!

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