He won't have sex with me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2007
He won't have sex with me!
9
Thu, 10-29-2009 - 4:18pm

I hope someone can give me some good advice...I'm so frustrated. I've been in the same relationship for 6 years, our sex life was great for the first 4 years and then it began to taper off. We hit rock bottom about a year ago. My boyfriend won't have sex with me, its been 2 months since the last time we had sex, and that sex only lasted about 2 mins. I don't know what do...whenever I try to intiate things he always turns me down, and whenever I tell him I need or want to have sex he always says 'whats wrong with you' or 'your like a cat in heat'. I don't understand whats going on and he won't talk about it with me he acts like everything is fine and like we have a normal sex life...I'm 25 I should be having sex everyday not once every two months!


Please help. : (

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Thu, 10-29-2009 - 6:22pm

I'm 25 I should be having sex everyday not once every two months!


For many people who live with mismatched libidos in a relationship, eliminating the word "should" from our vocabularies seems to be an important part of enduring it. Once expectations are gone, he can't disappoint you. If we can't change our expectations, then maybe we shouldn't try to live with the mismatch at all. It's not easy, but it is possible. I wish you the best.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2003
Fri, 10-30-2009 - 10:40am

Even if you omit "should" from her vocab, it seems you are very self-aware of how much/how often you need it. Your BF is on a completely different level.

Not only that, but I would be really pissed off if he was marginalizing my desire with patronizing comments like, "you're an animal in heat." That to me is the biggest signal that he is uninterested in satisfying your needs.

I might first approach him rationally/unemotionally and have a discussion about this. Mention how often you need it and ask him questions. Make your intent to get information from him and gauge how often he thinks he needs it, and his willingness to compromise to meet your needs. Then take what you've learned and decide your next step. With our help, if need be. :-)

If he still thinks your needs are ridiculous and not worth the time and effort...or offers no explanation for the change...I would leave.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2007
Fri, 10-30-2009 - 3:31pm

I'm guessing his comments about "cat in heat" are probably his attempt to lighten what he knows is an increasingly serious situation.

As for the expectations mentioned above: it's fair for you to say "I should be having sex once a day". But not to say "WE should be having sex once a day".

It will be hard, and he'll try to avoid it, and it'll take several attemtps, but you've got to have a conversation with him outside of the bedroom.

#1: you need to find out what HE considers to be a "normal" amount of sex. If it's every two months for him, and every two days for you, a compromise may be almost impossible, but at least you both know what the standards are.

#2: YOu need to make him 100% aware of how important sex is to you, and why. Now he's got the information he needs to either step up his game, or keep his mouth shut and not cry when you leave him.

Either way, you both need to get your cards on the table.

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Mon, 11-02-2009 - 10:39am

I agree the focus needs to be on the person themself. This is how I feel. This is what I need. This is what I want out of a romantic relationship.

Nothing about we should. Nothing about you must / should. Nothing about what is normal, or what other people supposedly do.

Simple statements like "I need lots of sex to feel happy." "I need lots of sex to feel connected to my partner." "No, there are no other ways that my partner can help me feel connected if we are not having lots of sex."

I would leave out the word "you", as I have done above. Speak in the third person about "my partner", as I have done above. That brings into stark contrast the central concept that one's current SO needs to think long and hard whether they truly want to accept the role of "my partner" with a person who has such high demands for sex.

Because that is the point. You want to clearly explain the requirements for whatever person accepts the role of "my partner". And then leave it to the other person to decide whether they want to apply for that role.

When you see it coming, duck!

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2007
Mon, 11-02-2009 - 10:45am

"....Speak in the third person about "my partner", as I have done above. That brings into stark contrast the central concept that one's current SO needs to think long and hard whether they truly want to accept the role of "my partner" with a person who has such high demands for sex."

WOW, that's great! I don't know why I never thought of that!
Almost like a job-description!

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Mon, 11-02-2009 - 11:59am

Mrs. Hold and I have discussed it in those terms several times during MC. She made it clear what "services" she was willing to offer as a wife. I replied "you do not get to determine what the job requirements are for the position of 'Hold's wife'. I do. If you want the perks, you need to fulfill the duties in the job description."

Not very romantic, I know. And obviously it was not very effective. But I think it is nevertheless accurate. I just don't have the guts to "fire" her and try to recruit someone who is willing to do the entire job.

When you see it coming, duck!

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
Mon, 11-02-2009 - 12:08pm

Ok, I might be in the minority here, but.......you said things were fine for four years.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2007
Mon, 11-02-2009 - 12:53pm
I agree that the "job description" analogy is far from romantic....but what about ML isn't ??
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2009
Fri, 11-27-2009 - 3:53am
A comment like "cat in heat" is an insult meant to shame someone into acting in accordance with the wishes of the one doing the insulting. It's a way controlling people use to try to control others.