HELP LL's! LL, PORN, and MASTURBATION??

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2007
HELP LL's! LL, PORN, and MASTURBATION??
7
Wed, 10-24-2007 - 4:07am

To all LL’s out there,

I am an HL and I really love my LL boyfriend and want it to work out. So far, all the posts I have gotten on the HL forum have told me to ditch him, but I think this love is worth fighting for.

What I wish is for my LL boyfriend to be able to talk to me openly and honestly about how he feels and what he thinks, without thinking every conversation we have about it is an attack on his male sexuality and ego. I think if I understood his feelings more, I would be even more sympathetic, more understanding, and less insecure.

In the beginning the sex went from 3 to 4 times a week to once a week, then once every 2 weeks, and last week it was once after 3 weeks. We then had another talk, which ended with him suggesting that we try to have sex once a week, and if that doesn’t work, then we break up. Is he really willing to give up just like that? I am not even willing to break up just yet….I want to fight for this.

What I need to as all the LL’s out there, and the point I cannot understand at all, is he says he is not sexually attracted to me all the time, yet, I see he is attracted to other girls, and sometimes he says to me how “hot” a girl is (we have a relationship where we can tell each other these things), and he watches porn an masturbates 3 to 4 times a week and does not want to give me anything. So, does he really have a LL? It sounds like he is an HL to porn, but an LL to me…In the beginning we had really wild sex, and a lot of it. Now that we are in a serious relationship, we have ok sex, and it is once in a while. How can it be that he does not want me, but he wants the porn? That he can use that sexual energy masturbating, but not to pleasure me, when he knows this is hurting me and making me so unhappy? And, if he is an LL, there are still other ways he can give me pleasure…but he refuses. Once I wanted to have sex, and he didn’t, so I asked him if he would “help me out” with my vibrator. He did it, but after he said that he didn’t want to do sexual things when he didn’t feel like it, and that even means things just to help me out. I know if he wanted sex and I didn���t, I would find a way to compromise…

LL’s, can you explain to me his LL, porn, and masturbation?

A very in love, but hurt girl xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Wed, 10-24-2007 - 11:08am

<>

Well, let's keep this simple. If he doesn't use his sexual energy to pleasure you, it means that pleasuring you is more uncomfortable than alluring to him. I know from reading this board for years that some people derive tremendous SEXUAL pleasure from giving pleasure (generally HLs), while others do not (generally LLs). Some people on this board have stated they can orgasm from GIVING a blowjob, or get rock-hard from just fondling their partners. For these people, giving is literally receiving. Other people derive no such benefits. Perhaps their sexual triggers are more restricted, so "ordinary" sexual interaction doesn't do it for them. That's why you'll find people who respond to specific types of pornography but not to partnered sex. Sad, but true.

If your boyfriend belongs to the latter category, and it sounds like he does, then pleasuring you can be downright tedious (because it doesn't do anything for him sexually) and/or psychologically uncomfortable (because it makes him feel inadequate for not responding the way he "should"). Like all humans, he seeks to avoid activities that cause boredom or discomfort. Which would explain why he avoids sex with you. For people with restricted sexual triggers, porn/masturbation is much easier because they're in complete control of the stimuli and under no pressure to behave or perform a certain way.

As far as not wanting to help you out when he's not in the mood, I'd say that's part selfishness and part "authenticity," for lack of a better word. Many LLs recoil against providing "duty sex," because having sex without desire feels somehow like a violation of self. (In fact, many HLs on this board have stated that they don't like receiving this type of sex any more than LLs like to give it.) I know from personal experience that play-acting at something you feel should come naturally can be a tremendous irritant.

I realize my words may sound harsh, but the reality IS harsh: your boyfriend is not turned on by giving you sexual pleasure.

<>

You'll probably never get a straight answer from him, because you're asking him to expose thoughts and feelings that call his manhood into question. Besides, you don't really need an explanation from him. You've got the 2 and the 3 -- it ain't hard to add them up to 5.

<>

I'm sure you realize it takes two to tango. If your relationship is plagued by such a serious problem early on, then BOTH you and he have to be interested in "fighting for it," or else it's game over. Besides, why would you be interested in "fighting for" a man who admits to "not being attracted to you all the time?" To be honest, if my man told me that I'd be out the door in a flash. It's not that partners have to feel attracted to each other at all times, but his choice of words suggests that he's NOT a man who will make you feel cherished over the long term.

I'm not sure why you're so resistant to the idea of moving on. It's your life we're talking about here. For the sake of your future happiness, I implore you not to stick your head in the sand.

JMHO Freelance

Edited 10/24/2007 11:11 am ET by freelancemomma

Edited 10/24/2007 11:16 am ET by freelancemomma




Edited 10/24/2007 12:19 pm ET by freelancemomma
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2002
Wed, 10-24-2007 - 11:52am

>>>In the beginning the sex went from 3 to 4 times a week to once a week, then once every 2 >>>weeks, and last week it was once after 3 weeks.

Wow thats never happened here before. Its deja vu all over again, and again and again.

>>he watches porn an masturbates 3 to 4 times a week
It sounds to me like its not just ML but mismatched styles.

>>I think if I understood his feelings more, I would be even more sympathetic, more understanding, and less insecure.

You may never actually get to understand it. Accept it or reject it, this way it is no longer an issue.

Dirty

Where there's marriage without love, there will be love without marriage. Benjamin Franklin
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2006
Fri, 10-26-2007 - 9:09pm
Porn could be densitizing him. Read the "families devastated by pornography" board. It is a growing problem. Ask him to refrain from the porn, and see if he can. See if he backpedals like any other addict does.
The frequency you describe from 3-4 times a week, to 1x week eventually becomes a zero. It doesn't get any better at that point, if the problem is not addressed. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2007
Sat, 10-27-2007 - 6:03am

Listen, he is not going to get better sexually. If anything he will get worse with time. Like freelance mamma I too have read enough post and have lived with a

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2007
Fri, 11-02-2007 - 8:27am

WOW- I feel as I wrote this VERY thread!


Welcome to my frustrating world! It sucks I know, but at least know you are not alone in it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2007
Mon, 11-05-2007 - 10:31pm

Hi -
I'm so glad you posted this. I am going thru the same thing ... but I'm married. Thanks for the thoughts on this topic. This whole issue just came into my life in the last few days.

We have been married 9.5 yrears. We have gone thru stages of lots of sex, then no sex, etc. He went to iraq for 22 months and came home 15 months ago, and we could not get enough sex!! Then it slowed down & stopped. We have had sex 1x in the last 3 months. I just figured our schedules were off again, etc. and I assumed it would eventually work its way back to a normal schedule. But just days ago I found evidence of his visiting various porn sites on numerous occasions during the last few months. I am just devastated. I did ask him about it and I told him I would feel differently about it if we had sex all the time, but we don't so I feel like I've been replaced. He has always told me that he loves having sex with me, and he said that again, but the facts don't add up. Why does he have to look at porn when I'm sitting in the next room and would be a very willing partner? I have been very happy in our marriage, and I don't know if I can cope with this - I don't want a sexless marriage but I really feel like he's found a replacement for me. How do I cope, what do I do next?
thanks so much for listening/reading ...


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2007
Wed, 11-07-2007 - 6:32pm

ThatGirl:


I feel your pain.