Hi all...newbie with a Q

Avatar for linds8300
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Hi all...newbie with a Q
Sun, 01-20-2008 - 1:09am

Hi all. I'm Lindsay, 24 years old and I'm living with my boyfriend of 1.5 years, we just moved in together in October. I'm sure you get these questions all the time and I tried reading through some old posts, but it's 1:00 am, I'm tired, but I can't sleep and we just had another fight about not having sex.

Basically, I don't know how to make him understand that this is not all about him. He wants it ALL the time, I'm lucky if I'm interested once a week. He gropes me at least twice a day and gets all defensive when I tell him to stop. This is our second fight this week about this issue and I hate going to bed angry at each other. My issues come from me being overweight....I feel ugly and fat and I hate the way I look naked. I know he loves me for me, but he just doesn't understand why I can't put those feelings aside to make him happy. I also think I'm struggling with some issues with mild depression, but have not yet gotten to the dr to talk with him about it. BF seems to think that me taking a pill will make all of our problems go away.

It's gotten to the point where I feel bad about myself because I know I'm not making him happy. I love him dearly and I would be devastated if we broke up. We both know we want to get married someday and I am terrified he isn't going to want to marry me because of this. He says he would be lost without me, but I've seen men do some crazy things for sex. I don't know what to do, I'm at my wits end....any advice anyone could offer I would hugely appreciate. Thanks in advance.



iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2007
Sun, 01-20-2008 - 6:32am

Hi Lindsay, Welcome! Sorry to hear about your problem.

First let's just forget the sex thing. You need to see a Dr. or therapist as soon as possible. This is your first priority. I'm Bi-Polar but didn't get an help until I was in my 40's. I got so bad I ended up in a hospital psych ward for a week. Best thing that ever happened to me. I feel great now. I'm happy and life is worth living everyday. I used to wake up and feel SOOOOO bad and I couldn't figure out why. No one knew either because I could put on a mask like everything was OK but in reality I feel terrible. Please go see someone soon.

Second, don't start the pill. It may make things worse rather than better. If you have a weight issue it may make that worse. The pill also lowers your drive in some cases. What you need it get diagnosed properly for your mental health and go from there.

The weight issue can be linked to your mental health status. I used to be over weight as a teenager. At 5'9" I was 230. I'm 160 now at almost 50 years old. I work out every day and eat like a bird. I think being fit helps my mental state a lot. It gives me complete control over something in my life. Does it take a lot of effort and will power? Yes, but it's worth it at least for me. I strong, look good in a bathing suit and can ride a bike better than most 18 year olds. I think it helps more than any single thing for my mental health

I think you need to be up front with your BF. Tell him how you feel. That you need to see someone about your mental feelings and you want to get fit. You need to reinforce that fact that you love him but for now sex is NOT in the equation. If he loves you he should understand. If he doesn't you need a new BF.

So go to the Dr NOW. Don't take anything unless the Dr. and/or a therapist tells you.

Good luck. There is light at the end of the tunnel. I'm living proof

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2003
Fri, 01-25-2008 - 9:33pm
Hi Lindsay, I'm sorry you're feeling this way.