How we deal with mismatched sex drive

Avatar for annie66
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Registered: 01-19-2011
How we deal with mismatched sex drive
66
Fri, 01-21-2011 - 10:00am

I've had a strong sex drive since puberty that continues.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Thu, 02-03-2011 - 5:48am

...the all or nothing that I am referring to has nothing to do with politics or academia...not going back to work doesn't really qualify with "how did I contribute to the demise of my marriage"...in counseling, a huge red flag would be an answer like "I did too much" or "I made his selfindulgences too easy"...I really think ('cause, really, who am I...so, I don't like to say things like "you should" or "you must" or "you are"...or, at least, I try not to) that if you want to be a nurturing parent to adult children who are going to engage in romantic relationships (probably) you might want to think about letting all of the your biases go as much as possible (I would give this advice to anyone...I have to do this when my son begins another relationship...I can't fault the new girl for the "sins" of his past partners in romance or for my past "sins" or his father's)...I think that you will cause problems for any relationship that your daughter is a part of...also, until you are able to come to

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009
Thu, 02-03-2011 - 8:34am

I've read my message over repeatedly and I see no name calling or ridicule.

In my case, the "red flag" raised by the statements "I did too much" or "I made his self-indulgence too easy" would indicate exactly what happened. Those are both mistakes that I made. Thinking I was being generous, I permitted an imbalance of privilege and responsibility that was unhealthy for the marriage. I don't understand why you find this so difficult to take on board. Perhaps you have a really strong filter operating in this area?

What basis do you have for thinking that a nurturing parent to adult children should ideally hold no values or opinions of her own? I find that concept bizarre. What dire consequences are you hinting at here? It's unclear what "problems" you foresee in this area. Am I supposed to pretend I have no beliefs or values? How does that help anyone?

My positions ("biases") on various issues could not possibly have affected my marriage because my ex happens to hold the same positions all down the line. Politically and socioeconomically and culturally, we were formed by the same forces and schools of thought.

Finally, I think you have the wrong idea about the women from my ex's secret life that I've made contact with. The word "girlfriend" is inaccurate in more ways than one. Two of the middle-aged women who've responded to my request so far represent a small subset of the much larger number of women he had intense, secret relationships with online. Is it cheating if it's online? I guess it depends on your point of view. They never met him in real life. A third was part of the same online subset, but actually took it a step further and met him in a hotel for a weekend. That's when the whole fantasy fell apart. These situations are not "girlfriend" situations as I understand the word. It would be more accurate to describe them as opportunistic online and real word hookups.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Thu, 02-03-2011 - 9:15am

...look, the more you respond, the more it's out there (it being the totally one sided way of looking at things)...so, I'm going to leave you to it...but, it's not just me...so, for whatever it's worth...it just might be (nothing definite here) worth it to look into some counseling geared toward letting your past go...along with your total negative, one sided view on things...if for no other reason than you are a parent...by the way...you did name call...jerks, creepy...are two that come to mind...we're not the first to tell you that you're biased and that you might be better served by letting it go(my opinion, of course)...it's unhealthy...taking a stand is one thing...taking a constant "I'm right and only those that agree with me are on my team" while having a list of categories that idea applies to will alienate you and while you'll be tempted to tell yourself over and over again that those you disagree with aren't worth having in your life anyway, you might end up alone in more ways than one...no one would suggest that you open your heart or mind to your exhusband, just to the possiblity that maybe he tried hard too...maybe he felt the bias...maybe he thought he could do nothing right or right enough...maybe he felt that coming to you and tallking to you would result in a total brick wall of "you are wrong"...maybe he knew that to not love you or be with you in a marriage would result in the alienation of his children...maybe he feels it now and has decided that he will wait until they are adults...no longer under your roof and he'll try to repair the damage he's done...the professional in me is asking you to consider allowing him to do that without trying to influence your children one way or the other (make no mistake, you do influence your children...my opinion, of course)...good luck to you...

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Registered: 09-16-2004
Thu, 02-03-2011 - 9:16am
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Thu, 02-03-2011 - 9:42am

Opinions and biases are not the same thing. You can have opinions based on facts and reason on one end of the spectrum or fear and ideology on the other.

You come across as being very defensive and unable to imagine -- much less accept -- that your ideas are not universally shared. You don't seem to readily accept that there is value in others' opinions and experiences that may help you understand your own experiences. You seem to only be seeking validation for what you've already decided the world is like instead of trying to see the world through others' eyes.

Avatar for holdingontoit
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Registered: 02-02-2004
Thu, 02-03-2011 - 11:00am

>>>>> I don't see anything wrong in having strong opinions and expressing them firmly. <<<<<

Let me suggest one possible downside to that behavior.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009
Thu, 02-03-2011 - 12:31pm
zejayge wrote:

...look, the more you respond, the more it's out there (it being the totally one sided way of looking at things)...so, I'm going to leave you to it...but, it's not just me...so, for whatever it's worth...it just might be (nothing definite here) worth it to look into some counseling geared toward letting your past go...along with your total negative, one sided view on things...if for no other reason than you are a parent...by the way...you did name call...jerks, creepy...are two that come to mind...we're not the first to tell you that you're biased and that you might be better served by letting it go(my opinion, of course)...it's unhealthy...taking a stand is one thing...taking a constant "I'm right and only those that agree with me are on my team" while having a list of categories that idea applies to will alienate you and while you'll be tempted to tell yourself over and over again that those you disagree with aren't worth having in your life anyway, you might end up alone in more ways than one...no one would suggest that you open your heart or mind to your exhusband, just to the possiblity that maybe he tried hard too...maybe he felt the bias...maybe he thought he could do nothing right or right enough...maybe he felt that coming to you and tallking to you would result in a total brick wall of "you are wrong"...maybe he knew that to not love you or be with you in a marriage would result in the alienation of his children...maybe he feels it now and has decided that he will wait until they are adults...no longer under your roof and he'll try to repair the damage he's done...the professional in me is asking you to consider allowing him to do that without trying to influence your children one way or the other (make no mistake, you do influence your children...my opinion, of course)...good luck to you...

You're a "professional" what at the moment? What exactly are your qualifications to string together a bunch of "maybes" that are remarkably off base? If anything, your assumptions seem to be unconsciously based

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009
Thu, 02-03-2011 - 12:42pm
magnaniman wrote:

Opinions and biases are not the same thing. You can have opinions based on facts and reason on one end of the spectrum or fear and ideology on the other.

You come across as being very defensive and unable to imagine -- much less accept -- that your ideas are not universally shared. You don't seem to readily accept that there is value in others' opinions and experiences that may help you understand your own experiences. You seem to only be seeking validation for what you've already decided the world is like instead of trying to see the world through others' eyes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009
Thu, 02-03-2011 - 12:53pm
holdingontoit wrote:

>>>>> I don't see anything wrong in having strong opinions and expressing them firmly. <<<<<

Let me suggest one possible downside to that behavior.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Thu, 02-03-2011 - 1:07pm
It sounds like maybe you both chose appropriate partners at the time but outgrew each other. The moral strength and firm belief system that you exhibit may have served him well at that point in his life; and, it also may have made it difficult for him to express his dissatisfaction and unhappiness later on.

Or he could just be a manic-depressive, lying, cheating scumbag. In that case, you did not choose so wisely. ;)

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