I am a LL guy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2009
I am a LL guy
12
Sat, 08-29-2009 - 8:49pm

I figure I might as well post here since I was doing some searching around and stumbled upon this site. I think I qualify as LL, but please read on.

I am in my very early 20's and have a low libido. I find sex to be very stressful and full of pressure. Imagine my perspective a little. Society seems to typecast males as the overly sexual ones; initiating sexual encounters, being more active during them, being more dominant, and even finishing the encounters with their orgasm.

Anyway, I am actively interested in women. I find sex to be very stressful and it often results in really long encounters without me getting off or really enjoying it. I'm okay with this but girls seem let down. Other times, it can last a while and my disinterest and stress just makes me go soft. Often it'll involve cycles of being hard, then going soft, then repeating. I love masturbating women and pleasuring them in other ways when this happens and I am able to sustain an erection when masturbating so I don't think this is normal ED, just plain disinterest in sex. It feels very mechanical to me. It doesn't "feel good". Condoms or no condoms. On top or on the bottom. Any rhythm. Any partner.

I do masturbate to porn. Most of the porn I like to watch is "real" videos of couples or lighthearted handjob videos or that kind of stuff. Industry produced porn does nothing for me. I am attracted to women and not men, in case people think my sexuality is in question. My blood will race when I see cleavage or a nice body or whatever and I will get erect. This is only about sex.

Anyway, I've been seeing this girl and I'm crazy about her. I love every moment with her. I love going on trips and to beaches and doing things for her. She's very sexual and I just have this sinking feeling that things aren't going to work because of my problem. I wish I could get my sadness across. I can't change how I am. I can't suddenly "be into" sex. Maybe this is a psychological problem but it doesn't seem easily or cheaply fixed. I'm young and can't afford a psychiatrist or counselor.

I have had a number of sexual encounters that made me hate myself for not being able to maintain an erection or finish. Even if my partner is supportive, says she doesn't care, or whatever. The underlying expectations are so high. Why is every other guy able to have a normal, fully erect, half hour sexual encounter? And yet it remains so hard (pun not intended) for me?

I have this sinking feeling that I'll never be able to maintain a relationship. I am a very loving, intelligent, passionate, and attractive person. I just have this curse and it's ruining my life. I just want to please people and make them happy. I don't care that I'm not enjoying sex even. It'd be nice to. But I just want my partners to be able to.

Sorry this is so confessional. I've never talked to anyone about this so openly.

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Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
In reply to: b_clifton
Sat, 08-29-2009 - 10:12pm

Thank you for posting.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
In reply to: b_clifton
Sun, 08-30-2009 - 7:36am

You're not the only LL male so if you are truly LL, don't think you're the odd man out.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
In reply to: b_clifton
Sun, 08-30-2009 - 11:21am

Welcome aboard.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
In reply to: b_clifton
Mon, 08-31-2009 - 12:43am

Hi there,

To me (a LL female) it doesn't sound so much like you're LL, but that you're simply unaroused by sexual intercourse. Nothing wrong with that -- it just is. I suggest you concentrate on doing the things that DO arouse you and arouse your partner, and save intercourse for "finishing off" when you're already close to the edge. Many many women don't get much from intercourse but get a lot out of oral sex and other sexual activities, especially if they know the partner is enjoying it too, so you should have no problem finding a compatible woman. Whether or not it's your current girlfriend remains to be seen. At some point you may want to tell your girlfriend(s) that intercourse itself doesn't do much for you, but other sexual activities and thoughts and fantasies do get you revved up.

JMHO Freelance

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2009
In reply to: b_clifton
Tue, 09-01-2009 - 12:53pm

Wow, lots to reply to. I'm going to go in reverse chronological order.

freelancemomma, I'm not sure what the actual definition of LL is. It seems to me that many of the women who self-identify as LL here, based on my browsing, will experiment with masturbation or other men and find that things change a little and that it's largely just a problem of having a mismatched drive or view than their partner. I had a sexual encounter with my partner last night and wasn't aroused in the least. Maybe it's not LL exactly because I have some moments, but my libido is obviously much less than a giant majority of men. It was pretty upsetting. I hear sometimes that some women just "don't feel like it" but are able to continue anyway. It's too bad that when I feel no arousal or excitement that it mostly ruins the encounter. She seems to enjoy oral and such but it just feels like something is missing or wrong when that's all that happens. I really like my girlfriend's personality and being around her and I wish that sexual problems didn't come up. Sexual compatibility seems such a small detail to declare someone "not right" and that whole concept makes me feel bad because that means I'm "not right" for most women, right? I really like being around her and I would prefer that some miraculous fix happened. I hear your advice though.

tryinghard55, I never really considered avoiding masturbation. It just seems and comes naturally to me. I think I do it less than most men. Trained to respond to specific stimulation? Maybe, huh? This is something to think about but also sort of depressing in a way. I definitely do have a negative outlook about this whole thing and I'm sure that's a huge part. Sometimes I also wonder if I have a mood disorder or anxiety or something like that.

issytish, maybe I do put too much stock in society's views, but it's pretty hard to get out of my gut reaction of disappointment in this whole thing. It makes me really feel bad about myself. I wish I could just enjoy encounters for what they are. I do feel really pressured. I have talked to my girlfriend about this a bit. Seeing her is a relatively recent thing and I just feel so bad springing all this on her. And, for the record, it's not because it's recent that I'm having these problems. Just saying.

holdingontoit, you say there's no right or wrong, but something feels wrong. I wish I could change my perspective and I admire yours.

It sounds a little bit like maybe I'm not LL by the standard definition but I have nowhere else to go or no other people to relate to. I don't know what to call my problem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2009
In reply to: b_clifton
Fri, 09-04-2009 - 11:49pm

It sounds a little bit like maybe I'm not LL by the standard definition but I have nowhere else to go or no other people to relate to. I don't know what to call my problem.


Don't worry about the label. Call yourself LL if that leads you to the solution you're seeking. I'm just not exactly sure what solution you're after.


First, my husband is LL, always has been. So, keep your spirits up. I have every confidence you'll find a woman who will love you just as you are.


Back to you. Let's assume the enjoy-sex-fairy isn't going to visit in the night. Most realistically, if you want to change things, you're going to have to make a shift. Therapy might not be a bad place to start for two reasons. One, you might be unintentionally getting in your own way. Two, you're going to need to accept yourself, whether or not

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2002
In reply to: b_clifton
Sun, 09-06-2009 - 7:40am

just to let you know, lower libido men are not nearly as uncommon as you might think. it certainly is not the pink elephant or unicorn that one might think it is based on how rare it is for an LL man to post on this board. only a handful of men have ever posted and one in particular wasn't a true LL, but just didn't have any sexual attraction for his wife (she had gained over a hundred pounds). maybe being a board on a site mostly for women may have something to do with it.


you should not hate yourself for not being able to "finish" during sex. you're very young and already have symptoms of lower than usual testosterone levels. forced ejaculation (or just any type of ejaculation) will further deplete those testosterone levels. practitioners of tantra or taoist sexual practices have known this for many centuries.


i highly recommend a book by Steve and Vera Bodansky called

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2007
In reply to: b_clifton
Mon, 09-07-2009 - 9:46am

First thing:


How do you know what other guys your age experience? Most men your age "last" about 30 seconds to a minute as I recall from my youth. I think YOU are putting all the pressure on yourself. Relax! Most young guys climax too soon. I would think most young women would be happy to have a guy that could "last" awhile.


I would stop masturbating for one thing. Stop looking at porn


Go get a testosterone blood test.


Concentrate on your partner anyway. Stop thinking about yourself. Female anatomy is so complicated it will take all your mental strength just to work on that and you will forget about Your issue. Become and expert in giving oral and manual sex and you will become every woman's sex dream. Concentrate on HER and soon you will find you no longer have a problem


Good luck


IB

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2009
In reply to: b_clifton
Mon, 09-14-2009 - 5:46am

Wow, so much to talk about and so much help. I'd like to address everyone but first I'm going to say a little bit of general information as sort of an update. I really appreciate everyone's help here.

There's always lots of talk about how masturbation is healthy and normal and simultaneously there's always a big discussion from women about how they disagree with it, don't understand it, and that sort of thing. I also believe a lot of men in relationships and marriages continue to masturbate and look at pornography and may even lie about it or hide it. I think it's kind of close-minded to look down on someone for that. But these views aside, I can see how it might help me just because of my specific problem.

In my case, I've been abstaining from masturbation as a test. And not masturbating or seeing her for three days, not long ago, resulted in the most amazing/heated sexual encounter we've had. I enjoyed it more than I ever had with her and I stayed erect. It still lasted a long time but it felt like the "end was in sight" and had kind of a fire behind it. So while I don't think abstaining from masturbation is a total fix, it obviously helped a lot to hold off from orgasms for a period of time. I do think that I might be conditioned to enjoying masturbation over sex and I'd love to see if there's a way for me to kick that habit. Stopping masturbation seems like a good first step. What do you think about refusing handjobs from her? Because that seems to be one way we can keep enjoying the sexual encounter.

I've come to find that my girlfriend has a very high libido. Maybe it's just the way things are right now but lately she seems interested in or initiates sex pretty much every time we're together. This can be 5 days a week, sometimes multiple times in a day. Because of what I've discussed, obviously it's not always sex or a lot of genital penetration, often it's a lot of oral sex and mutual masturbation and other playful related things. I think I'm pretty good at them but don't we all, I know how women like to compliment their partners just to make them feel good and maybe sometimes lack sincerity, but she seems to sincerely enjoy it since she keeps coming back for more. So I suppose that's good!

italybiker:

Guys talk and people are fairly open about sex these days. I know that a lot of people my age do seem to last... not that long, when they admit it, or through stories I've heard from girls. And that's too bad. So I see why I'm not -completely- cursed.

"Go get a testosterone blood test."

How does this happen? You just walk into the ol' walk-in clinic and ask for one? I really haven't approached a doctor about this and it seems kind of weird. I don't think I'm low in testosterone. I'm not sure about everything it regulates but I do grow a lot of chest hair, have a deep voice, that sort of stuff. I just did a quick search and it looks like a lot of my mood symptoms are in line with low testosterone. I'm not sure.

Believe me, I do concentrate on her, and I know a lot of men are sort of selfish lovers but my main concern is her having a good time and I feel like some of my problem will get in the way no matter how I adapt. You know? Like something will always be missing, a little bit, for her.

frumpee:

Your information was so incredibly helpful. You gave me a ton to think about. Do you have anything to cite regarding ejaculation lowering testosterone levels?

I'm interested in the book you mentioned and the information you've paraphrased and explained. Thanks.

Sometimes when we have sex, I'll have an erection but lose it partway through. Once I felt aroused but just simply didn't have one. More often, I'll have an erection, but not find sex appealing or enjoyable, and then eventually lose it unless there are certain factors that get me into it, such as her seeming really aroused, feeling particularly warm inside, that sort of thing.

Believe me, I do enjoy the encounters from the perspective of them being intimate and a close connection with someone I care about. I just want it to be like, I don't know, normal and enjoyable for her without her worrying like she's missing out on something. I do massage her and we have a lot of foreplay and kissing and it's really great.

I would love to appreciate the present moment more and this gives me something to think about. I agree that worrying about what "might happen" or what problems could happen or how it could end... that's taking away from soaking in the beauty of the moment.

I don't know about that soft penis sex thing. I don't want to have her feel like she's being attacked by a slug. I think manual manipulation might be more enjoyable for her because I have so much more control then.

I will admit that I considered viagra. It seems expensive and I'm not sure I'm in the right age demographic for it. What do you think about it?

harmlessbunny:

I appreciate and agree with most of the first half of your reply and the last bit. It's all very helpful and I don't have much to discuss other than saying that it got me thinking and was really great.

The part about "don't seem like you're really into sex just to land a partner" got me thinking a bit. Is this what happened to you? I'm very communicative, maybe not quite to the confessional level of being on this site, but I'm not embarrassed to talk about it a bit with her. She knows that nothing is her fault. It seems like a huge turnoff to outright state to a new partner "Yeah, I'm not that into sex," so obviously she had to get it sprung on her a little. She's still with me and seems to like how things are going for the most part, so that's cool. The extent of how far you took that makes me wonder if you're possibly subconsciously attacking your partner for leading you on and into that thought process.

About sexual compatibility, I wonder if we can find middle ground. It's so funny that HL women can end up with LL guys, since the """public/movie/media""" expectation of guys is usually to have high libidos and women to have lower libidos. I know this isn't really true but you must see what I'm getting at.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2009
In reply to: b_clifton
Tue, 09-15-2009 - 7:17pm

The part about "don't seem like you're really into sex just to land a partner" got me thinking a bit. Is this what happened to you? I'm very communicative, maybe not quite to the confessional level of being on this site, but I'm not embarrassed to talk about it a bit with her. She knows that nothing is her fault. It seems like a huge turnoff to outright state to a new partner "Yeah, I'm not that into sex," so obviously she had to get it sprung on her a little. She's still with me and seems to like how things are going for the most part, so that's cool. The extent of how far you took that makes me wonder if you're possibly subconsciously attacking your partner for leading you on and into that thought process.

Actually, right from the beginning of our relationship my husband was very up front about his low interest in sex. I

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