I don't think this is normal

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2010
I don't think this is normal
16
Fri, 08-27-2010 - 2:49pm

Reposting this from Sexual Health:

I feel very unusual amongst my friends. They keep talking about how great sex is. I have had sex before, but I don't see what the big deal is. It doesn't feel good. I was expecting it to be painful the first couple times because I was told it might. Even after that, however, it just doesn't feel good. There is no pleasure to it. I was told it's not being done right. I have tried different positions, more foreplay, less foreplay...no matter what I do, it just does not feel good. It's not bad, just not pleasurable. I don't enjoy it. It feels like a chore that I have tried making better by changing up how I do it, but in the end, it's still a chore. Please tell me I'm not alone.

***LilyTigerfly***

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Fri, 08-27-2010 - 4:55pm

Enough with the "normal" already!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2010
Fri, 08-27-2010 - 5:07pm

As a matter of fact, I do. That's my post. That's my issue. I originally posted it on Sexual Health, thus my saying it's a repost.

For clarification, I have tried solo sex. It does nothing. It also doesn't feel good. There's nothing pleasurable about it.

***LilyTigerfly***
***LilyTigerfly***
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Fri, 08-27-2010 - 5:26pm

There are a couple of people on the board (now or previously)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2009
Fri, 08-27-2010 - 8:01pm

I'm sure you're not alone. Paula Poundstone (comedian) is very public about her asexuality. She's been on tv declaring that she doesn't like sex. I figure for every person who is willing to be so public about it, there must be many more who just live their lives (happily) without sex making a ripple.


Does it cause you any trouble in your life?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Sat, 08-28-2010 - 11:01pm

Hi there,

I'm very much like you. I've never liked or needed sex. I learned how to masturbate (not out of need, but experimentation to find out if I "worked") at 19 and do enjoy orgasms, either by my own or a partner's efforts, but the rest of sex is a big meh.

I've always believed that the reason people like you and me don't enjoy sex is because we're not very arousable mentally. In other words, we don't respond to indirect (nongenital) sexual stimuli with ready arousal. As a result, our genital area doesn't get fully engorged and we're much less sensitive during sex. The handful (and I do mean handful) of times I've been mentally aroused in my life -- I'm now 53 -- has reinforced my view. On those extremely rare occasions, sexual stimulation felt 10 times better and the pull toward orgasm far more compelling.

Just as Mol knew he was HL even before puberty, I knew I was LL from the get-go. As a previous poster in this thread mentioned, I was extremely distraught about this in my youth. I went to see several therapists and had all my hormones tested, even testosterone. Everything was normal. I'm anatomically and physiologically normal, have no sexual abuse in my past, and both my parents were HL. Go figure.

At a certain point in life I decided I wasn't going to dwell on what I can't change. I have many talents and blessings -- sex doesn't happen to be one of them. My deepest intuition, bolstered by reading and snippets from some friends, tells me that there are many other people just like us, especially women. I can't tell you whether it's 5 or 10 or 20 percent, but it's not a tiny minority.

I'd suggest you focus on enjoying the abilities and interests you have, while continuing to explore (if you wish) your sexuality to see if some of the puzzle pieces fall into place over time. If they don't, that's fine too.

Don't let the word "normal" tie you in knots. One of our new posters, antiasexual, has stated that he considers both a complete lack of interest in sex and a near-constant focus on sex to be normal. I think he's dead-on.

I can tell you one thing with deep assurance: You're not broken. You're just fine the way you are.

Freelance




Edited 8/28/2010 11:08 pm ET by freelancemomma
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Sat, 08-28-2010 - 11:08pm

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I understand why you feel concerned, but trust me on this one: when you're neutral about something you're SUPPOSED to be in heaven about, that neutrality is practically guaranteed to turn into a negative. That's just basic human psychology. Every time a LL has sex, she knows that her partner expects (or at least hopes) her to show signs of enjoyment. That alone is enough to make the whole thing seem like a chore. Not many HL partners are as generous-minded as you seem to be, and even if they are, the LL partner is probably berating herself (either consciously or subconsciously) about her sexual indifference during the act. Negative self-talk is hardly a pleasant experience. Hence, a chore.

Freelance

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 5:17am

Oh, I think it's quite understandable one might think it a chore in the circumstances.


The issue I have here is the one I think we all want to avoid: knowingly entering into a long-term relationship, maybe

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2010
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 10:35am

"It concerns me that you are already talking about sex as a chore, even if it's not specifically unpleasant."

Why is this a concern? I don't mean to come across as rude, so please don't take it that way. I am merely curious as to why you see it as a concern.

***LilyTigerfly***
***LilyTigerfly***
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2010
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 10:42am

Thank you for your input. It's nice knowing there are others who don't enjoy sex, even though we're supposed to.

One difference between us that I've noticed, just from your post: how are you able to orgasm if you're not turned on/aroused? I have never been able to, no matter what I try, and I have been told it's because I'm not aroused. Even with lots of physical stimulation, nothing happens.

***LilyTigerfly***
***LilyTigerfly***
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2010
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 10:46am
May I add one thing on this topic: I am single by choice. I have no desire to enter into any kind of long-term relationship. I don't want kids. Don't get me wrong, I love them. I have plenty of nieces and nephews that I adore. They're just not for me. My family thinks I'm wrong for my decision, but I know it's wrong for me to do what I don't feel is right.
***LilyTigerfly***
***LilyTigerfly***

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