I don't want sex anymore...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2006
I don't want sex anymore...
2
Fri, 08-31-2007 - 9:00pm
When my man and I started dating, we used to have sex all the time. I'm pretty sure I have a condition called vulvodynia, which makes sex pretty painful. Recently, though, I haven't felt like sex at all. My man, on the other hand, wants it ALL THE TIME. I don't feel like my not wanting sex and vulvodynia are connected, though they may be on a subconscious level... I've told him to stop pestering me when I'm not in the mood, and we have sex once or twice a week, but not much more than that. It's a source of fights for us, and I'm just not sure what else to do. Help!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Sat, 09-01-2007 - 10:58am

"I'm pretty sure I have a condition called vulvodynia, which makes sex pretty painful. "

To me this sounds like you haven't seen a gynochologist for help and you making an educated(?) guess about this. You need to find out for sure and see what type of help may be available.

"I don't feel like my not wanting sex and vulvodynia are connected, though they may be on a subconscious level..."

The body can react and build up self defense mechanizes to both pain and fear on a subconscious level. It would think it would be pretty hard to get in the mood for sex with this going on.

"My man, on the other hand, wants it ALL THE TIME. "

He mostly like doesn't want it all the time. It just appears that way your mind. My wife use to say the same thing to me and now that we have worked out our issues, we have somewhere between two to three times a week. I never wanted it all the time. I could not approach my wife for a week, then try to initiate sex with her and she would tell me I wanted it all the time. Think what you are saying. You're talking in absolutes and it is probably not close to the truth. It's what you are feeling because you are avoiding sex with your partner. It's a valid feeling for you because you don't want to have sex. This is probably why you don't want to have sex at all recently. You're feeling constantly pressured to have by your man, at least in your mind. Maybe he is trying to connect every day or maybe three days have passed and he tries to initiate and you felt you just had sex last night when it was three days ago. It revolves around you trying to avoid sex.

The sex that you have once or twice a week. Since things are painful for you, are you trying to hurry up the process and get it over with or can you some how enjoy the act? Partners can feel when the one is trying to rush the act or isn't much interested in it. They generally want the emotional connection with the act so that can add additional pressure to you if you can't get into it.

Try to see a doctor for the pain and maybe on a calendar start keeping track of some of the activity that is going on between the two of you like how often you have it and how often he asks so you can have some discussion based on facts. Telling your man that he wants sex all the time is most likely just put a discussing in a defense mode because he mostly like doesn't think about sex all the time. It probably does happen when he physically sees you because you are a turn-on for him. The rejections hurts. Do you think that counseling might help the two of you out? A third party to try to help you both see the other person's side?

Avatar for cl_elyse449
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
Tue, 09-04-2007 - 8:38pm

Hi lapritchard,


I do agree w/ the previous responder. The important thing will be consulting a gynecologist on your possible condition. And most definitely it would be related to a lack of interest. Over time, when we "learn" that only pain arises from attempting to do certain things, ultimately we cease in our wish to do it. So, I would definitely affirm the need for you to see a doctor post haste.


Next, if your companion is not aware of this condition, it will make his ability to understand even more difficult. And when we aren't open w/ one another we can't expect them to respond accordingly.


I would definitely let him know what is going on and tell him you will be scheduling an appt w/ a doctor and once you find out more, you'll be able to tell him more. Feel free to get booklets or to even invite him to one of your appts w/ your doctor. Sometimes it truly helps folks to understand better if they can hear it from the horse's mouth so to speak. Keep in mind, this won't make him want it less-he wants sex, that's who he is. However, if you can work together along with your seeking medical attention, I'm sure some sort of compromise can be reached. It's just important that you be seen.


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