I just don't get it!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
I just don't get it!!!
7
Sat, 09-01-2007 - 4:07pm

This makes just no sense...or maybe it does, I don't know.

My boyfriend is 38 and I am 22. Although we've been together for three years, and I love him, the sex is just blah. I've never had an orgasm through sex with him. Until recently, I had never had one with him at all. Yes, one in three years. He doesn't know that, I don't know how to tell him. I can get there by myself, although he teases me about it sometimes, and I feel stupid.

He has an extremely active sex drive. Sometimes to the point I can't keep up with him. He really likes to get kinky, which is something I never have been good at anyway. Sometimes, he likes to push my limits and I don't know if that would have anything to do with it. I struggle a lot of times to "keep up" with him; his desires and wants and expectations. It's like he is getting frustrated that I can't. I've only been with two people, my ex husband, and now my boyfriend. I would love to have some romance, music, candles. All that jazz. I've intiated that part but he really just does his thing then kinda turns over. His idea of intiating is to grab some body part and say "Get naked." half jokingly, although we all know he's serious. He'd have it every night a week if he could, at lunch and breakfast too. He has the tendency to randomly grab my shirt and raise it up. Just to be funny if you ask.

The problem is, although I never really got to finish what we started, I enjoyed sex, just not where it was a big thing for me. Now, it is just like a chore, or when I think about it alone, it's like, "Oh whatever. Sex. Hmmm." Now, I would rather wash dishes. It's been this way for about five months or so. (Yes, I just had a baby, but at first I had no problem with wanting sex.) I know that he is getting frustrated because when he tries to initiate, I kind of get frustrated. I finally told him that I felt like I was losing the desire and he took it very personally. In fact, I ended up being the one who felt bad afterwards.

I am so angry and frustrated with myself...we've tried so many things, different positions, toys, places, everything. I just want to be able to have a good time and enjoy sex. Honestly, I would rather go out to eat or something instead of having sex... I don't believe that that is normal.

Can anyone help? Do I just need to go to a sex therapist?




Edited 9/1/2007 4:52 pm ET by lhsdev13
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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Mon, 09-03-2007 - 1:08pm

"I've never had an orgasm through sex with him. Until recently, I had never had one with him at all. Yes, one in three years. He doesn't know that, I don't know how to tell him."

Through sex, if you mean intercourse, most women can't orgasm this way. Generally manual and/or oral stimuation is required. Check out the-clitoris.com to learn more.

Second, you aren't been honest by not telling you haven't been having them, if you want them. How does he know he isn't hitting the right spots if you don't tell and/or fake it?

"Sometimes, he likes to push my limits and I don't know if that would have anything to do with it. I struggle a lot of times to "keep up" with him; his desires and wants and expectations."

Let you don't have to like everything he likes and vice versus. You should be talking outside the bedroom about this and finding ways to compromise. Sometimes you try his things IF you don't feel they are totally out of bounds and some times he should be doing things the way you like them like music, candles and some romancing.

"The problem is, although I never really got to finish what we started, I enjoyed sex, just not where it was a big thing for me. Now, it is just like a chore, or when I think about it alone, it's like, "Oh whatever. "

Sounds like sex has been all about his needs though you're not telling him about not orgasming doesn't help either. It can be a chore for several reasons. Having sex a lot more often than you want it so you desires are being met, how he treats you in the bedroom (sounds like the focus is all on his needs) plus you've had a baby. You should do some research on it. Try do a search in the forums here. I know there was been stuff posted several times on sex after having a baby. Your driven can taken some time to come back and if you are breast feeding, it can take even longer. Plus baby sap your energy in general and to want to have sex, you need to have some energy.

I don't know if you need a sex therapist. You and your boyfriend need to still down and have an honest talk. You might get a book like the Sex Starved Marriage book as it is a book for both partners to read. He seems like he needs to be more consider of your needs. Then you have the baby so you should research about how that can affect you. But it's not all about just you. Your boyfriend needs to be education himself also.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2007
Mon, 09-03-2007 - 8:03pm

Dear Ihsdev13,
You are not alone, I feel exactly the same way! I swear, I think my boyfriend and yours are practically the same guy! He comes over and grabs my "Fun bags" or my rump like a million times a day and just growls or makes some other kind of immature gesture. I feel like a waitress in a strip club who just gets fondled all day long while trying to do everyday chores. This morning I was cleaning the toilet and he came up and grabbed my butt with both hands and nearly knocked me into the bowl head first! I'm like "COME ON!!!" I'm sure some girls would appreciate the attention, but at some point it starts to feel like I am here as his personal play thing and that's it. What about what makes me excited? What about whats on my mind? I'm expected to put up with a million manual mammograms per day but you can't be inconvenienced with one 90 second movie trailer for something I think we should go see together? Give me a break!!

And then there is sex. I know that I'm not easy to please, but I would be pleased with a little effort at least. I know from past experience that only 2 things will give me the same result as you get from everything. Oral with simultaneous digital stimulation, or toys. He won't do either. He says it's either to awkward or too distracting. So what then? I do it for you because I love you but you won't do the same for me? NOT FAIR! So then you're somehow shocked that I'm not "In the mood" when there is nothing "in it" for me? Get a clue!! What do they say the definition of insanity is? "Doing the same thing over and over expecting different results!" Enough said!!

If anyone has any suggestions on how to communicate my needs and frustrations to my boyfriend, I would love to hear them! I really do love him, but today is our 2 year anniversary and so far I've cleaned the toilet and we went grocery shopping together. I need to do something soon or there may not be a 3 year anniversary.

Thanks for your help!
~ Nic52

Avatar for cl_elyse449
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
Tue, 09-04-2007 - 9:05pm

Hi lhs,


Well-I can sorta see why you may not be interested. It sounds like he isn't taking the steps to seek out what does bring you pleasure, and I don't just mean sexually. He's acting on inpulse, rather than forethought. It may be helpful to sit down together and have a talk about this. Let him know how it makes you feel when he grabs your rear or your "fun bags" and make it plain that it IS NOT A TURN ON and in fact, it is a turn off. While some amount of sexual play is to be expected, not all the time. Obviously a good mix of it all is key. Play, romance, etc. If it were me and if I didn't feel my needs were respected or even noticed, I'd have a hard time giving of myself.


I do agree that you need to be honest, but not brutally so. The orgasm is a funny thing and so individual to the woman. For me, I don't need manual stimulation (and it's a good thing, because up until recently he wasn't offering it-lol) but for me, I have to be on top. I didn't orgasm until I was 21 or so...or somewhere in there. Go figure. Also, if I have a lot on my mind or can't otherwise relax than I can't orgasm. I've learned that there are certain things that turn me on and if my dh doesn't do them, well--it's tough. So...exploration plays a part...exploration of self AND mate.


I gotta go to a council meeting, so I will respond more later.


Elyse


Avatar for cl_elyse449
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
Mon, 09-10-2007 - 2:31pm

Hi there,


How are things going at this point? Did you two get a chance to talk?


Sorry I wasn't able to come right back...gosh, getting six kids off to their respective schools, along with starting work again (9-24-07), finding adequate daycare, meetings for kids' youth orgs..lol, proving to be more work than I thought! Anyway, hope you're doing well!!


Elyse

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Tue, 09-18-2007 - 11:17am

Better? If only.


Now it has gone down the road of, "I am not going to be with someone who doesn't want me."

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Avatar for cl_elyse449
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
Tue, 09-25-2007 - 5:23pm

Hi lhsdev13,


Wow-I'm sorry to hear that! Remember, you can always come here for support and encouragement.


What I can say is, this truly is an emotional issue for both parties. But until he quits being defensive, until you two can truly hear one another-this will continue to be a problem.


You have some pretty large contributing factors though...I'll tell ya that!


1. New baby. Is this your first child? Sharing you may be part of things on his end, now.


2. New home. A move is a pretty big deal. It is a disruption of the flow of things...seeing the response in your infant probably clued you in as far as how it can effect folks.


3. Birthing problems. You said that you and the baby nearly died during child birth? I know in my case w/ my last baby it took him 23 hrs to have him, he was my 4th and during the whole thing I felt like I had nearly lost him. Come to find out, he came out w/ the cord around his neck TWICE. Admittedly, I was an emotional wreck for several weeks. It felt like a close call and it's ONE reason why we're done having kids. Granted, there's always c-section, but still. This can take an emotional toll and if it does bother you or you suspect it does, don't be afraid to seek help. Remember, sometimes this can even be post partum depression.


4. Birth control pills. They alter hormone levels and if you don't have the right one, it can cause some issues. One of them is lubrication issues, another is libido. If you're still nursing though, this may be adding to some of things as well.


5. Other relationship issues-Going back to work. If you're feeling pressure from him to "get back to work" that may add to some resentments. If it were me, I'd want to have time w/ my baby--but I would recognize the need for the funds, it just wouldn't erase my need to want that time w/ baby. Going back to work (with ALL my babies) was the hardest thing for me but I think had I a non-undestanding spouse to boot...well, that'd make things worse.


6. Other relationship issues-Failure to recognize spouse's needs. If he's being pushy, not understanding, etc-that would add to being turned on less. Honestly, it's tough to be turned on by someone when they're treating you in such a way that you don't feel appreciated and loved. He needs to work harder to understand things from your vantage point. If I were taking care of an infant and a home all day along w/ everything else, sure it'd be tough

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Tue, 10-02-2007 - 10:53am

Hmmm sigh.


This "relationship" is an emotional roller coaster if you wanna know.


I am kind of reaching the point where I wanna give up.

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