I NEVER really want to ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2007
I NEVER really want to ...
8
Fri, 07-17-2009 - 9:20pm

Our sex life is the ONLY problem in our relationship. We are perfectly matched. We are best friends, and we get along great. We feel like we complete each other. At first, we has sex ALL the time, but we only saw each other once a week, if that, because we lived about an hour apart and both worked full time long hour jobs.

We moved in together about 7 months ago, and its been great other than our sex life has taken a nose dive. Everything was cool for a while, then after about 3 months here two big events happened ... one of my dogs was killed (got out of the yard and hit by a car to which I feel slightly responsible) and my boyfriend hurt himself tremendously at work and was going through therapy for a lower back injury. Therefore because of that we really couldn't have sex.

Eventually after therapy, his back is better, although he can never go back to doing construction like he was or he will reinjure it. Although he really aspires to be a career musician so now he just works on his music and I mostly support us. I also go to school full time and volunteer with a couple charities. Between my work and school schedule, and his gig schedule, I rarely find a time where I WANT to have sex. Mostly I have stuff to do or just want to flat out sleep. To him, this is a huge problem. To me, not so much.

He says he's very sexual, and starts to feel insecure if I "don't want him." But also our sex has gotten very weird ... he'll just want to jump right into it, or go for a marathon session and I need a little more foreplay and am also done after about my first or second "boom." It starts to hurt, and he's still not done. I've never been with a guy where I get off before him, but that is the case here. He rarely gets off through intercourse. And if he does we have to go forever to get there and by then it hurts pretty bad to me and I'm not enjoying it at all.

This is not a deal breaker by any means for us, we know we're the ones for each other. But it would be nice to work this out. Any suggestions?

Lisa


Lisa

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Fri, 07-17-2009 - 10:35pm

"At first, we has sex ALL the time, but we only saw each other once a week, if that, because we lived about an hour apart and both worked full time long hour jobs."


You may have felt like wanting it all the time but you only saw each other once a week.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2007
Fri, 07-17-2009 - 11:09pm

I think you're right on the timing ... that may be all I need and we need to work out a happy medium. I know that it can grow to be a bigger problem, and I don't want it to be, I just don't know how to change how it is now. I know he should pitch in more, but before he hurt himself I encouraged him to quit his day job and just focus on his music so I like that he gets to do that because I think that will help him get somewhere. Its just that some days its not all music work its hanging out around the house and some basic chores don't get done so then I have to do those too when I get home, on top of homework. And I know that's something I need to talk to him about. :)

I don't want him to feel rejected, but I also feel like he should be more understanding that I need sleep when I work 8 hours a day then have to come home and do homework too. For the most part he is understanding, he's great, but I guess he just doesn't want to let it get out of control and let us get too far apart physically. Although I feel like we're almost there right now ... He doesn't understand what I want and I've tried to tell him and he doesn't understand. He slowed down and we got a little more foreplay in once then next time it was just back to jump right on top of you and rip all your clothes off.

In terms of his "sexual stamina," I really don't think he was like this in the beginning. I don't remember it being so hard for him back then. But I could also go longer too. I bet we've both got some mental issues at play here, as well as me maybe being "out of shape" from lack of exercise? :)

Thanks for your help, you've given me some things to think about for sure ...

Lisa


Lisa

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Sat, 07-18-2009 - 12:56pm

"I know he should pitch in more, but before he hurt himself I encouraged him to quit his day job and just focus on his music so I like that he gets to do that because I think that will help him get somewhere. Its just that some days its not all music work its hanging out around the house and some basic chores don't get done so then I have to do those too when I get home, on top of homework. And I know that's something I need to talk to him about. :)"


Well consider this

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Sat, 07-18-2009 - 12:57pm
I'm sure it's clear to you, but I'm not clear on which aspects of the relationship are problemmatic to you and which statements are simply portraying facts about things that you like or have neutral feelings about.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2008
Sat, 07-18-2009 - 1:59pm

I agree with TH55. BF needs to get a job and help out more around the house. You need to find someplace to cut back. He has too much time on his hands and you have too little. Otherwise your resentment and frustration are going to continue to build and the relationship is going to end.

You need to find some way to express your dissatisfaction in the bedroom so that he can HEAR what you are saying and try to make changes; because otherwise, if you are a typical woman, you are simply going to give up because the sex will actually become unpleasant to have and there will come a time when there is no sex at all. That might be OK with you, but it won't be OK with him. It's not fair to either of you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Sat, 07-18-2009 - 4:11pm

<>

I always wince when I read statements like that because they are rarely, if ever, true. And, sure enough, as you started to post about your relationship, the REAL truth began to reveal itself. There are fundamental problems in this relationship but you just don't want to rock the boat. He's not pulling his weight and you are doing way too much. I think you are lying to yourself if you think that ML is the only problem. It hardly ever is. Time to take a good look at the situation and start to face reality.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2007
Tue, 08-11-2009 - 7:23pm
Good observation magna :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Thu, 08-13-2009 - 9:56am
...me too...just as soon as I read..."our relationship is perfect in all aspects but this one"...I am prone to believe that as emotional (even if only negative) an issue as sex is, the ML almost always (in my opinion) spills over into other areas...but also...if a couple isn't able to discuss compromise or sex in general...there are bigger problems than ML...