I think I have a low libido!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
I think I have a low libido!
1
Fri, 08-31-2007 - 9:46am

Hi,

I am in my 30's still a virgin. Some background : I have been in a long relationship with no sex before and I loved him enough. But then I started getting frustrated my hormones were crazy and we separated. I know that when I was in late 20's I used to feel so excited just seeing some guys...
okay I know sex is not the most imporatnt part of a relationship. But the reason I ended the first one was lack of sex + lack of ronace , intimacy and chemistry.

Now I met a guy who is in mid 40s is vergin.. very shy.. and I was the one who started talking to him.. we started going out. He is great and cares for me deeply. When we started we both knew that we have little sexual experience. He did say he used to masterbate regularly but he had ED when we started - or so we thought.. I was very patient and really I didnt care if he had ED, I just liked the cuddling and romance part enough to stay with him.. and he would please me in other ways..

So now he has no ED and he gets excited just by touching a bit.. Sounds like great news?
Also we are much more close and IN LOVE and he is a great guy .. I cant complain about him in any way. He really loves to see me as much as possible, love to stay over night. He is not pressuring me to have IC , but he said he loves to do it.. We have tried a little, but I feel I am not yet ready..

Thing is I feel Iam happy with the cuddling and romance part.. I could care less for IC itself.. may be I dont know how it feels.. Also I feel that he would like to be sexual or intimate as much as we could.. for me I really dont want it that much.. We have already noticed this difference.. For me everything else has to be perfect- like relaxed day, free mind, ect ect.. to be sexual.. he just seems to get excited all the time and seems like he is always in the mood.

I have a feeling that my libido is perhaps very low.. (may be one reason why Iam still a virgin).. I never masterbate. I have done on few occations when I was hitting 30 ( I feel that was the time I felt most sexual). I know our ralationship is great, But Iam wondering if he will resent me if we dont end up having great sex each night or if he feels I am not that into sex. I am open with him about how I feel. So far only when I have too much work.. those weeks we hardly do anything- and I can see he feels like I dont love him.. but we do make up after that.

He loves me in every way and wants to marry me. I am still thinking.

any suggestions on what I can do to improve my libido? or is it that he is not the right guy for me? I think that I may get a rush if it is some other guy .. just may be to begin.. but it will be back to this level once it settles.. so it is not about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Sat, 09-01-2007 - 12:37pm

"For me everything else has to be perfect- like relaxed day, free mind, ect ect.. to be sexual.. he just seems to get excited all the time and seems like he is always in the mood."

If you wait for perfect the days will never come. You have to learn to go for it or just do it as they say in the Nike commercial.

"I have a feeling that my libido is perhaps very low.. (may be one reason why Iam still a virgin).. I never masterbate. "

Doesn't sound like you have tried to explore your sexuality, what your mind and body may and may not like.

"I have been in a long relationship with no sex before and I loved him enough. But then I started getting frustrated my hormones were crazy and we separated. "

So you've been in a relationship with no sex and suddenly you wanted it and he wouldn't provided it to you? Or you left the relationship because you wanted to remain a virgin?

"But I am wondering if he will resent me if we dont end up having great sex each night or if he feels I am not that into sex. I am open with him about how I feel. So far only when I have too much work.. those weeks we hardly do anything- and I can see he feels like I dont love him.. but we do make up after that."

As you can see he doesn't feel loved. So yes, if he is a person interested in sex and intercourse, over time his resentment will likely grow. Things like "I have too much work" are excuses on your part. You're basically telling him that work is much more important than the relationship as a couple. You're not willing to find some time for the couple. Over the long run, the make up sessions will mean less and less. The happy couples, from what studies show, have sex once or twice a week, week after week. They keep the physical and emotional connections going.

"any suggestions on what I can do to improve my libido? or is it that he is not the right guy for me? I think that I may get a rush if it is some other guy .. just may be to begin.. but it will be back to this level once it settles.. "

You have to open yourself up more to this relationship to improve your libido which possibly means having intercourse. You might want to read some of the books by Sandra Pertot for suggestions. Is he the right guy for you? He might not be if you have no interest in sex. Why are you remain a virgin? Do you want to remain one all your life?

As for the rush with a new guy, sure you will have that. It's the "in-love" or 'excitement' chemistry for being with someone new. It wears off over time with any relationship. After that you have to WORK at the relationship, including maintaining a sexual relationship otherwise the relationships tend to fall apart.