If you have a lower libdo that

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2007
If you have a lower libdo that
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 7:33pm
Your partner would you agree to letting him have an affair to meet their needs?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2006
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 9:45pm

Well, if there's a mismatch, & you can't get a general agreement to satisfy each other (usually the one with the LL has to 'perform' when they really don't want to), why not? But before you do, have you tried romancing the partner to stir up the passion? But; if the relationship is strong, do it discretely so no-one gets hurt AND GO INTO IT AS A SUPPLEMENT - not to fall in love & screw up a good thing.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2007
Fri, 03-02-2007 - 11:19am

No I wouldn't. I don't see how it would solve anything - your partner loves YOU, so it's YOU they want sex with, not someone else. I can't see it making them any happier in the long run, even if it is discreet. It would still hurt that you don't want him/her in that way.

I seem to be LL and for a long time I denied there was a problem, acted like it was his problem to fix, that he just had to live with less and accept it. It caused awful fights and problems in the relationship. I now understand that it's not just about him wanting to get some. It's so easy to think the HL partner is just interested in one thing and that it's shallow, that all he/she wants is sex. The truth is though, for my partner sex is his way of communicating with me and connecting with me emotionally. This is how he shows me he loves me. This is how he needs to be shown that I love him. It's not all about physical needs. It's about his emotional needs too. He truly feels loved when it is expressed to him physically. He needs that physical intimacy.

I find it difficult to be interested when I am just worn out and tired. This is my main problem - lack of energy. It's so easy to focus on other things, the kids, the job, the house. It's all about your priorities.

I have a hard time being in the mood, but when we do get going, I do enjoy it. The quality is good. What I have noticed that makes the sex more meaningful to me is to actually be in the moment. Be conscious of every move, every touch, every kiss. Sex is not just about penetration and orgasm. It is looking deep into each other's eyes, gently touching each other, and conveying the message "I LOVE YOU" without words. Communicating through touch. When I translate my moves into that rather than waiting to just have it over with, it truly becomes an intimate experience for me too. I find that after it's over we have time to lie next to each other, hold one another, and maybe talk about the deeper issues in life. That emotional connection is something that I need very much, and it's easier for him to give me that emotional connection on a talking level like that then. We both win :)

I guess this was kind of a long story, but what I am trying to say is this. If you love your partner, don't demean the both of you by letting him/her have a discreet sex life. I just cannot see how either of you could truly be happy deep down inside. Instead, try to find a solution. Find out what it is you need to be able to enjoy sex and then try to realize that goal. Too tired all the time? Go see your doctor to find out why, adjust your working hours, start an exercise routine. Issues in the relationship? Find a good counsellor. Never been interested and don't want to be? Then let your partner go free. Its not fair to imprison you both. It takes work if you want to fix the problem, but it is so worth it if you love one another.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2002
Fri, 03-02-2007 - 11:55am

Amen sister!!


Where there's marriage without love, there will be love without marriage. Benjamin Franklin