im new.. VERY low Libido..

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2007
im new.. VERY low Libido..
15
Sun, 07-15-2007 - 11:20pm

well i am new here.. i finally had to find somewhere to be with people who understand my lack of sex drive.. and i mean none.. we went 2 months.. I try to do it once a week for him, but it doesn't always happen.... I have gotten to where i just don't go to bed at the same time cuz it isn't there for me.. we have an 11 and a 3 year old.. I am 30,in pretty good shape.. fairly happy with life, I do house partys just a few nights a week, so i am home during the day.. I don't know whats wrong..

i want to want sex.. I don't know how to do that though.. we have a pretty hectic/busy life my husband just got a promotion and starts tomorrow, and that has really been stressing him out.. we are on the go all the time.. we just got our 3 year old in her own bed, so maybe that will help.. but I don't have the desire.. and for the most part, i just don't do it.. i feel bad, after he goes to bed that maybe i should to, but i don't want sex.. i love him, i don't want anyone else.. but i don't want sex.. and once we start, only about half the time I orgasm.. so i will fake, cuz i don't want him upset and i want to get it over.. i love to snuggle and lay close to him, but i hate when his hands start wandering..

I have been to my family dr. who tried wellbutrin, even though i didn't think i was depressed.. i hated the side effects.. I am not on any hormonal BC, my gyno did hormonal blood tests.. my friends don't get it here.. i want intimacy with my husband.. but I just don't have it and don't know what to do... Luckily.. he doesn't really pressure at all. but as his wife i feel terrible.. i feel like he has the right to go elsewhere.. and i don't want that to happen..

Suggestions.. help.. (sorry i am longwinded..)

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Avatar for cl_elyse449
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 2:07pm

Greetings mjh4701,


Welcome! It's nice to have you with us.


The one thing that blared out at me (now this is just my opinion)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2007
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 3:47pm

I do have a few questions...

How old is your husband? You mentioned that you are 30, but what about him?
My husband is 32..

How long have you been together/married?
together 7 1/2 yrs. married 6 1/2..

What did your hormonal tests reveal, if anything?
they revealed that i was normal.. (ha ha ha)

How were your past relationships? Similar?
Yes, when i date, my libido is ok.. i wouldn't say high but better, and part of me really thinks that it isn't that much better, it is just a dating thing.. the excitement.. I was married once before, right out of highschool, and it was the same thing.. no libido.. however.. my mom doesn't have much of a libido either.. i keep hope that women peak in their 30's is true and one day , it will just be better..

Thank you for your welcome.. I am trying to make it better.. so support is definatley appreciated. I will have to check in to the books.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2002
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 3:00pm

Ok let me chime in here with a few of my own questions.
You don't have to give specifics. just yes or no

Is there anything that turns you on? Ie Fantasies.
Are there certain sexual/non sexual acts you really enjoy? oral / having your neck kissed etc.

Any special memories that get your motor running?

Is there anything you enjoy about sex?

If you said yes than you can probably work towards improving your libido pretty quickly.

Dirty




Edited 7/18/2007 3:01 pm ET by dirtymiddleagedman
Where there's marriage without love, there will be love without marriage. Benjamin Franklin
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2007
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 10:47am
Hello,
I'm fairly new to this board as well. I'm on the other side of all of this. My wife is the one with no libido, none. I'm 36, she is 32. We have 2 girls ages 5 & 2. Been married for almost 6 years and together for 7 1/2. Both been married before. Until just recently, I thought everything was fine but it finally came out that she does not like sex, not with me, not with any past relationships, never has and said that she would be perfectly content to not have it anymore which is where we are at now. She says that she does have orgasisms although not all the time, but she has them. Still she does not enjoy sex. We went to a councelor this past week and she suggested that maybe it might be a hormone thing. My wife has reluctantly decided to make an appointment for some blood work, not for her benefit because she says she is content the way she is. I feel we love each other vary much but our marriage is failing because I'm the one needing that physical touch for reassurance and closeness and she is no longer willing to. I have many many questions and do not really know where to start. Is this possibly the result of a hormone imbalance because there is no past experience of trama or abuse that would make her not like sex? Is there hope that if it is hormones and she is willing to take whatever it is that her libido will improve? I don't know much about any of this yet as it is all new to me. I guess maybe I am jumping the gun as she has not even had the blood work done yet. It may come back normal. Please any advise is appreciated as I love my wife very much and would really like to make things work between us.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 11:19am

"there is no past experience of trama or abuse that would make her not like sex?"

It doesn't have to be that. It could be the way she was raised or social/religious influences on her life. You probably won't find anything wrong with the hormones. Does she like things like snuggling, kissing, passionate kissing, hugging, spooning or she avoids all that also? Were her parents cold to each other and maybe the kids? Did she grow up experiencing intimacy and touch in her life?

"I thought everything was fine but it finally came out that she does not like sex, not with me, not with any past relationships, never has and said that she would be perfectly content to not have it anymore which is where we are at now."

Hopefully after the counselor gets the results from the physical end, they'll start looking for ways to deal with the pyschological end. She was extremely dishonest with you here and should have told you upfront as the relationship developed that this is how she felt. The good thing she is that she is going to counseling with you AND you know it not just you, though that probably doesn't make you feel good anyway. Hopefully some kind of break through for a compromise can be worked out eventually to change her outlook about sex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2007
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 12:34pm

Nothing really stands out as a past influence or reason for her not liking sex. The counselor asked both of us numerous questions regarding our past, our families and their relationships, our religous backgrounds etc. My wife says that it has nothing to do with her not liking sex, but she did have an abortion from a past relationship. She says that she did not like sex even before that.

She has said that she does like hugging etc. but she said that it usually leads to us (or me at least) wanting or having sex. Which I can see her point of view now that I know there is a problem between us. In the past, I have usually been the one to iniate even a hug or a kiss. So before me not knowing there was a problem, on those rare occasions when she would come to me and iniate hugs or kisses I would tend to take that as a signal of "hey, she wants to be close to me" so yes, we would usually end up having sex. I would not press the issue and never have.

You saying that the hormones are probably fine has me a little (ok alot) discouraged. I think that was maybe our one last hope of finding a means to an end. Our counselor is pretty much at a loss other than to be there for us if it ends up in us splitting up over this. The counselor mentioned an open relationship as maybe an option. I'm not for that at all. I do love my wife, I want to be with my wife. For me, it's not just abut sex. I need to feel that closeness of being with her. I really miss that. I do feel she was dishonest and should have been upfront early on in the relationship. She said that she thought that maybe it would be different with me and now 2 kids later, it's very very difficult to deal with. We both love each other and want to do what is best for not only us, but for our kids as well. I don't see a happy ending to this, I just don't. Either my wife gives in and is intimate with me (which she does not like) which makes it unfair to her. Or I give in and give up any intimacy in my life (which I need to feel loved) which makes it unfair to me. Or we split up (which neither of us is prepared to do) which makes it unfair to our 2 little girls. Our little girls are both very much attached to both of us and us not being together would be extremely hard on them. So I'm still at a loss for any direction to take on this

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 1:19pm

"You saying that the hormones are probably fine has me a little (ok alot) discouraged. I think that was maybe our one last hope of finding a means to an end. Our counselor is pretty much at a loss other than to be there for us if it ends up in us splitting up over this. The counselor mentioned an open relationship as maybe an option."

Don't think of it as your last hope. Right now you have something that most other folks don't have when they come here, a partner "WILLING" to work on issue. Yes there are no guarantees the two of you can resolve this issue but at least at this moment, you both are trying. If this counselor can't help you, there are other counselors out there. You both want to work at this so if this person doesn't help, try another. There is a website called The Marriage Bed that might or might not help. If your wife is willing to check it, have her do so as well as yourself.

I like to recommend a book called The Sex Starved Marriage. It's a book for both of you to read and hopefully discuss together. Maybe it might help your wife and you with some things. It provides ideas for both the LL and HL to try to help change how the relationship works.

"She has said that she does like hugging etc. but she said that it usually leads to us (or me at least) wanting or having sex. Which I can see her point of view now that I know there is a problem between us. In the past, I have usually been the one to iniate even a hug or a kiss. So before me not knowing there was a problem, on those rare occasions when she would come to me and iniate hugs or kisses I would tend to take that as a signal of "hey, she wants to be close to me" so yes, we would usually end up having sex. I would not press the issue and never have. "

The book discusses this. Lots of couple think this way when sex occurs so little. You have the hope of thought it is going to happen and your wife feels the pressure of it happening. She gets to the point the every little kiss means sex is coming. All because it doesn't happen much. You're grabbing at straws, for more than just sex but the affection and intimacy that goes with it. She sees it as just chore. No intimacy/affection to the act itself. Basically with your wife not wanting intimacy, the two of you have lost the balance as to what a kiss and hug can be. Sometimes just an quick intimate moment together. Just a quick reminder the love AND intimacy you feel toward each other. It only associate with the chore sex at this point.

"The counselor mentioned an open relationship as maybe an option. I'm not for that at all. I do love my wife, I want to be with my wife. For me, it's not just abut sex. I need to feel that closeness of being with her. I really miss that."

I know exactly where you are coming from. I was there once myself. What did you wife have to say about this? I see what you said but what about her?

"I don't see a happy ending to this, I just don't. Either my wife gives in and is intimate with me (which she does not like) which makes it unfair to her. Or I give in and give up any intimacy in my life (which I need to feel loved) which makes it unfair to me. Or we split up (which neither of us is prepared to do) which makes it unfair to our 2 little girls. Our little girls are both very much attached to both of us and us not being together would be extremely hard on them. So I'm still at a loss for any direction to take on this"

Yes, you're right it won't work if either of you go 100% with giving in as you put it. You're trying to find a compromise, a balance in the middle hopefully.

As for the girls, it will be rough no matter what you do. It would probably be hard on them if you do split. But think about this if you reach that point. Do you want them to grow watching AND learning to have the type of relationship that you might have with your wife. From books I have read about raising kids, in their teen years, they learn their relationship behaviors by watching their parents. A relationship without intimacy, hugging, touching etc? Where they see her constantly pull away from you when try to express intimacy? Do you want them to grow up to be that way? Would a better solution be to live near each other as loving parents who shared in the responsibility of raising their kids together? There is no right answer, only hard discussions as each child is unique what you do for one child may be bad for the other.

For now, hoping if you can't find answers with this counselor and there are no physical issues, the two of you will search for ideas on the Internet, books and try some other counselors. Various approaches to working on couple's issues out there and maybe a different approach might work better for the both of you. Good luck with this!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 07-20-2007 - 8:30pm

Hi there,


Just wanted to offer my prayers/positive thoughts on this. Trying is correct, the wonderful thing in all of this is that you two want to work this out.


The key here will be compromise. Sex isn't something your dw holds as a high priority, that's fine. It just means that to fill HER love cup, it takes OTHER things. You can learn a bit about that by reading "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.


While you're learning what fills her love cup, she can be learning HOW she can fill yours. I don't particularly LIKE cherry pie, but if I know my husband loved it and that by me eating it I was helping him to truly FEEL loved, I would eat it occasionally. I would learn to appreciate the things about him that are not similar to myself because those things are what makes him who he is.


Here's some things I wanted to quickly go over based on what you said; You said;


"She has said that she does like hugging etc. but she said that it usually leads to us (or me at least) wanting or having sex.."


It sounds like she has become a bit apprehensive and that she probably focuses a lot on the fact that SHE doesn't like sex, rather than "Hey, this is what makes my husband KNOW I love him..." With time, you will learn to receive her affection without expecting sex and she will learn to offer it without the pressure of it possibly leading to sex. Once you two are compromising and some of your needs are being met, you will feel LESS urgency to suck up what "water" there is. Does that make sense? Some of this will take work from you, some of it will take work from her. You may want to "practice" hugging and snuggling with NO sex resulting. Just tell her; "Ok hon, practice time...get in these arms..." let her come to you, hold her close.....snuggle her for a moment and than gently pull back and say; "Ok, how was your day today?" And go on from there. No, I am NOT expecting that you WON'T be aroused, only that you will be able to give HER what she needs while you're sort of getting a bit of what you need. Gosh, I hope that makes sense. It's just that I think she'll be more likely to give in to you sometimes if you give in to her sometimes. But that means you need to find out what her love language is.


Try not to be discouraged about the hormonal issue. Part of loving each other is loving things ABOUT each other. All it means is there is no magic "pill" to fix this. It will take compromise on the part of both of you.


Also, there is no need for anyone to give in 100%. Only that both of you give in some. If your DW simply can not no matter what, if she can't get past some things THAN you may be at an impasse. From the sound of it though, that isn't what you got. After all, she's going to the counselor with you, she's seeing a physician...those are wonderful signs.


The thing that helped me was looking to the other positive things in my marriage. My husband is quite similar to your dw. He loves me, wants to be with me, etc-but just doesn't like sex all that much. I have learned to appreciate our companionship and friendship and together, we are great parents. Is this what I want forever? I don't know. I'm only 32 and not all that ready to give up the flames of romance...stupid me, I just watched Dirty Dancing last night and thought to myself, "Oh, to be wanted that way...to be touched like that..." yes, I miss it. But each facet of life has it's positives, that's for sure. My husband is a dedicated father and a hard worker. He wants me to be happy and has tried in small ways to help...it means something to me. Of course in my case, the sex issue isn't the ONLY issue any longer...but that's a whole other post.


The other thing that helped me was trying to focus LESS on what I wasn't getting from him and focusing MORE on what I am getting. That and focusing on OTHER things in life. I volunteer w/ my daughters youth organization. I am taking classes to hopefully go back to work with Boeing, I have wonderful friends who I spend time with, my family...etc, etc. Lots of love to be had in this world, one only needs to look around.


Elyse


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2007
Sat, 07-21-2007 - 8:05am

Thank you for your prayers and support. It's a really good feeling knowing that there are people like you out there that care enough to lend support and advice to others that you do not even know. Thank you !

Yes, what you were saying about practice time makes perfect sense. In fact I have been doing that for a few days now. I have not said anything to her about it though. It's just been me giving some nice good hugs and a little kiss and then like you said "how was your day?" I'm feeling better, I'm just not sure if I'm feeling better because I'm doing something to try to save our marriage or if I'm feeling better because a part of my need is being filled. If that makes any sense.

I will get that book you suggested as I have also just ordered "Rekindling Desire" by Barry McCarthy and "The Sex Starved Marriage" by Michele Weiner-Davis. These were suggested somewhere in these message boards. I'm picking them up today. If you cannot tell, I'm pretty desperate to save our marriage. My wife is putting forth an effort, although I don't think she will be open to going back to that counselor or any for that matter. It was our first visit the other night and the counselor seemed to be attacking my wife. So if I felt it, I'm sure my wife felt it even more. I know there are other counselors out there and it will take sometime to find one we like, but I'm not sure she will be open to the idea of going back to see one.

When she first told me about not liking being intimate it was really hard for me to look past the negatives in my marriage. After time and a little healing from the initial shock, like you said, I began to look at all the positives in my wife, my marriage. That is where I am at today. A week or 2 ago, I was ready for divorce but today I'm ready and willing to try anything to save what we have. Don't know if we'll get there, but at least I will know in my heart that I tried.

You sound like a wonderful person and I wish you all the best. I wish I had some sort of advice to offer you in return for all your help that you have given to me. But all I have right now is support and prayers for you and your family. Thanks again for everything.

Gary

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2007
Sat, 07-21-2007 - 10:30pm
I am not sure my answers will help much.. I have had all my hormone levels checked, they are fine, I have had no sexual abuse. I just have NO libido.. and although, I want to have the want for my husband and my relationship, i kinda agree, that I would be content not having sex, however with that said, i know that is not best for either me or my marriage.. so i wish you the best. and good for you for trying to find some answers..

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