Impotence causing problems

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2012
Impotence causing problems
52
Wed, 03-28-2012 - 3:51pm

My partner is 60 and I am 58. He has always had a very low sex drive, and because he was suffering from high blood pressure the doc

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Registered: 05-04-2006
Mon, 04-02-2012 - 9:24am
Dwifey, I know that it must seem that way to you, but it's just not that simple, for a number of reasons. First off, no one can MAKE you feel that which is not there within yourself to start with. Second, even if he never said a word I know the difference between how my body used to respond and how it responds now. How could I not feel like something was wrong? I have no desire, no response, no excitement, nothing. It's like all the connections inside my body have been cut, and nothing is "hooked up" anymore. How can that be his fault? It's not. Plain and simple. I DO have something wrong, something IS broken. So I am going to have feelings about that, no matter what he does or does not do. Now I will admit that most of his reactions have made things much worse instead of better, but honestly, I don't think there is much he could have done to make it any better. It is what it is, I have to find a way to make peace with it, since I cannot find a way to fix it. And he has to find a way to make peace with it as well. It cannot be much easier for him than it is for me. He got involved with HL, with great response, who wanted it for herself all the time. He hit the jackpot with a woman who loved to be touched in the way he likes to touch. He wound up with what I am today. It's not a great thing. Honestly he could have dropped me like a hot rock. He hasn't, because although sex is very important to him, it is not what defines our relationship. We're finding our way through this thing. It's a process. And it has gotten much better over the last 2 years. There is headway being made. I am hopeful for our future together. I would not have said that when I started posting here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Sat, 03-31-2012 - 8:41am

M, your advice was lovely, thank you.

And sorry it's so difficult for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Fri, 03-30-2012 - 10:08pm

Miranda, I've been reading through your posts and the only one that makes you feel broken is your SO.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Fri, 03-30-2012 - 4:25pm
Thanks, Hold. I hope it helps somebody out there. It sucks to be inadequate. And anything that fills you with that kind of feeling eventually starts to fill you with dread as well.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Fri, 03-30-2012 - 3:36pm
Kudos Miranda. Fabulous post.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Fri, 03-30-2012 - 10:33am
I cannot tell you what you should do, but I can offer a little perspect about what your partner may be going through. Sexual activities make him feel broken, inadequate and like less than a man. They fill him with anxiety about whether or not he will be able to have the "correct" response and whether or not he will be able to "perform." Even if you tell him that he is under no pressure, he will STILL feel it, becuase HE wants to respond and perform, and frequently or always, he cannot. So he continues to avoid the whole thing. Because to do anything else fills him with anxiety and self loathing. He may not be denying you physical affection because he doesn't care, but because he cannot find a way through the mess his psyche is in. I do not know the solution, because I have the same problem (only the female side, for which there are no drugs to "fix" my problem, such as viagra and cialis, which btw, may or may not make him feel any better about the problem mentally.) If you can have a discussion with him where you can acknowlege his feelings about this, and understand his mental anguish, maybe you find a middle ground that will satisfy you and not make him feel like a total failure.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Fri, 03-30-2012 - 5:04am

I hope you found the discussion of need relevant to your situation.

For me, I think it's really important to be able to honestly, and without shame, own what you want, know it, be willing to stand up for it.

Because it's very easy to shame yourself (and sometimes others will shame you out of things as manipulation) - out of things that are important to you in life.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Thu, 03-29-2012 - 6:40pm
I think you will find it easier to negotiate over differences if you think of items on a continuum rather than fitting into boxes. Tell your partner what your items 1, 2 and 3 are, so they know to work on those first. Similarly, make sure you focus on what matters most to your partner beffore moving on to items that are lower priority IN THEIR EYES.

Arguing over whether an item is a need or a want is similar to arguing over whether the item your partner places someting as priority #2 really is their #2. Not your job to question their list. Your job, if you want to be in a relationship with them, is to help them get item #2 before moving on to their item #3.

You may be tempted to say "my partner would die in minutes without air, so air MUST be higher priority than sex". Your partner is perfectly entitled to reply "if I am not getting regular sex, I would rather be dead than breathing." You may think your partner is crazy / foolish / misguided. Perhaps they are. But that does not mean they are WRONG about what is most important TO THEM. It may make them the wrong person to be in a relationship with you. But that is a different issue.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2012
Thu, 03-29-2012 - 4:26pm
To me, needs come first, wants second.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Thu, 03-29-2012 - 2:39pm
I think it comes down to what mol always says: are we a team each trying to help our partner get what they want, or are we each on our own? So my desire for sex is only a want and not a need. The question remains: are you with me?

When you see it coming, duck!