It's going to end in divorce

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
It's going to end in divorce
11
Wed, 09-19-2007 - 1:14pm

My husband and I have been together for 10 years (married 2 next month).

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2007
Wed, 09-19-2007 - 2:43pm

Okay ... your marrriage is in

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2004
Wed, 09-19-2007 - 3:01pm

The sex is not the issue. I'll give you the same advice I've given my daughters:


- If he hits you once, leave.


- If he hits you again, never look back.



You've already reached point 2 soI'd advise leaving. He has no justification for either hit unless he was defending himself from you and it sounds as though that was not the case. At the very least you and DS should not live with him until he admits that was wrong and gets counseling and anger management and he understands that one more hit will terminate the relationship. Please do not let anyone treat you like that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2007
Wed, 09-19-2007 - 3:14pm

I agree with with what Tami-kins said and I'll add a few other things:

I would highly recommend reading "Why Marriages Succeed or Fail," by John Gottman. Ignore the title. It's really a guide to complain and argue constructively. Even if your marriage ends in divorce, this book will be helpful in dealing with him later on. In a best case, it can help mend the relationship.

I won't hyper analyze his actions. People are rarely at their best during an conflict. That may explain his behavior, but it doesn't excuse it.

You needs are just as important as his. Stand up for your needs.

I would HIGHLY recommend setting aside a weekly date night. Get a sitter and try to have some time alone together. You could go out to dinner and possibly have some uninterrupted intimate time together. This could allow enough time for you to get aroused. A sitter isn't free, but it's cheaper than a divorce. It can be a good investment sometimes.

>> In the past I have told DH that it doesn't matter that I don't want
>> want it, I will have sex any way (lie there and wait for him to do
>> what he needs to do), but he said that's not enough.

I can understand why this doesn't sound appealing to him. However, have you considered playfully giving him an orgasm with your hands (and some lotion) or orally? It's not just the orgasm that would help, but also some time with some sustained intense arousal preceding the orgasm. This might release some pent up pressure inside him.

As you expected, I think that counseling would be productive, even it only you attend. It's cheaper than a divorce.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2007
Wed, 09-19-2007 - 5:04pm

You do NOT need to "fix" YOU....he is the one that needs to be fixed.


Do not for one second think that you are unworthy or that you deserved to be hit (i.e. him hitting you because you got sick in the car one time).

TwilightProtective.png Protective Twilight Siggy picture by JessNOLEfsu
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
Thu, 09-20-2007 - 10:44am

Thank you for responses.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2007
Thu, 09-20-2007 - 11:18am

>> I shouldn't make him so mad that he feels that there is no other way to discipline me.

I can't tell whether you are being serious or sarcastic. Hitting you is inexcusable. Period. There is nothing that you could possibly do that would be so terrible that he would be justified.

Do you have any doubts about this at all?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Thu, 09-20-2007 - 12:17pm

"I shouldn't make him so mad that he feels that there is no other way to discipline me."


You're being abused both verbally and physically.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
Thu, 09-20-2007 - 1:31pm

I think DH feels as though not having sex is how I discipline him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
Thu, 09-20-2007 - 1:46pm

Hi Steph,


Hon, I am truly so very sorry for all the things you're going through.

Avatar for cl_elyse449
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
Thu, 09-20-2007 - 2:07pm

Hi Steph,


You said; "


"I think DH feels as though not having sex is how I discipline him.

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