Just have to gripe!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2006
Just have to gripe!!
9
Thu, 02-25-2010 - 12:08pm

So everything has been going really well between us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Thu, 02-25-2010 - 12:52pm

Neither of us wants to have sex when I first get my period because it is so heavy - so it's a joint decision we have made.


How consistently has he said that he doesn't want to have sex during the beginning of your period and how consistent has his behavior been with such statements? The reason I ask: I have found that there are at least

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2006
Thu, 02-25-2010 - 2:42pm

Thanks for your replies. I'l try to answer all the questions at once. Yes we have discussed the period issue. We are both fine with having sex when my period is lighter but I bleed so heavy the first two days that even my HL hubby doesn't want to do it then. So I know he was frustrated that I got it the night he got home but I don't understand getting mad at me - I can't help it. Believe me I wish it wasn't that heavy too. I have actually spoken to my doctor about some procedures that would lighten it but she won't do them until I turn 40 (in 3 years).

I was actually thinking we would cuddle and then kind of let things go where ever they went. But as soon as I told him I got my period he immediately let go of me and rolled over. I was a bit surprised and was thinking of what to say and the next thing I know he is snoring!!! He was MAD that I had my period!!

Not much I can do when my husband is out of town so I don't think those days should be held against me. I have often waited up for my hubby when he gets home late but when you have to get up early it's hard to stay up until 1:30 am. He is so exhausted then that he just climbs into bed and goes to sleep anyway.

This is an update. So I told him I HAVE been keeping track - there's an iPhone app for it. I told him how many times we did it and when for the last week and he said that our " memories" must be very different then. Super! He's NOT keeping track but is telling me that my calculations are wrong!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Thu, 02-25-2010 - 2:49pm

It sounds like you are married to MY DH. He's very apt to act just like your DH. I suggest you buy a big, and I mean BIG calendar and some stickers. Hang it in your bedroom or bathroom, and put a gold star on every time you have sex (you could also use a silver star for hjs and a blue star for bjs.) Put a different kind of sticker on when he is out of town. If you have regular periods, draw it up ahead, and mark with a red X when it will come so he won't be suprised (this really worked for me, since mine got all snarky and said "jeez you have your period EVERY other week!) I would mark when he came in late too, although it probably won't do you any good, because deep down, he expects you to wake up in the middle of the night and do him, no matter how inconvenient it is.

One thing is for sure, it will stop him from telling you that your 'book keeping' is wrong, because it is right there for him to see, day-in and day-out.

Or else you could just tell HIM to keep track and bring his log to you, in essence to back up his bs with data or shut the F up!

I know how mad you are, I've been there too. Hopefully it's just a bump in the road, but let him know that his bs isn't going to fly, one way or another.

roo and snowy siggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Thu, 02-25-2010 - 4:22pm

Great suggestions by mirandarr8! One of the biggest obstacles in overcoming these types of conflicts is establishing objective reality. Everyone thinks their version of reality is the correct one.

Your DH is definitely out of line and acting like a spoiled brat. You need to call him out on it as diplomatically as you can.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Tue, 03-23-2010 - 6:08am

"call him out" - Yep, I'm with this idea, it's hurtful and boorish to behave like this.


My guess is that he's feeling stressed from the travel, and probably wants acknowledgement of his efforts - but is expressing that in a poor fashion.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 03-29-2010 - 10:21pm
IMO Be considerate and allow him an "out". Saving face here is really important as it can lead to correcting his telling you what you feel. Sometime people are not battling over "facts: but the feeling they are experiencing. Subtle methods may be superior to hammer strokes!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Sun, 04-25-2010 - 2:16pm

He sounds like he's being really selfish about the whole thing. You have sex more than most married couples. He sounds like my husband that I'm thinking of divorcing (for sex problems and other reasons)...never happy no matter how much he gets. You should point out that the more he punishes you (by not talking and being affectionate or whatever else he does), the less you want sex with him. I know that's the case with my marriage.


He should be happy to be getting anything at all..a lot of men don't. He's acting like a spoiled brat--I agree with another poster here on that one.

 


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Sun, 04-25-2010 - 2:59pm
...so, the less affectionate he is affects how much sex she will have?...perhaps...it also works out that the less sex she has the less affectionate he feels...and, round and round...
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Sun, 04-25-2010 - 8:46pm
I don't think "should" is a word that belongs in any marriage, whether it's in the context of "he should be happy to be getting anything at all" or "she should have sex with him more often". If people are incompatible, they're incompatible. And telling someone they're lucky to get the inadequate scraps they get only makes them more frustrated. Compromise, another partner and divorce are the only ways I see out of the vicious circle. And the compromise may require some professional intervention in a lot of cases.