LL and Anger

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2005
LL and Anger
5
Sun, 08-05-2007 - 8:57am
Dh and I both have low libidos. He's on meds that affect his drive. I want to have sex, but can't physically bring myself to initiate it. When we do have sex (once a month or so) I don't usually enjoy it; even if I get off. I just lay there and wait for him to be done. Then afterwards I am angry towards him. If he cuddles, I usually want him to get away from me. If he doesn't cuddle, I want him to. (I try not to express the anger, because I don't want to be mad.)
I have always had body image issues, but it has gotten worse in the last year or so. He says he's attracted to me, but I don't feel like he is. We don't flirt or kiss anymore. I feel uncomfortable talking in depth about sex with him. And I think it makes him uncomfortable too.
We've been together for nearly 7 years and I have never had a really great sexual experience with him. I dated a guy before DH and our sex life was awful too. I remember a few times with him I really enjoyed, but overall I didn't like it either. That was a bad relationship, but I don't feel like it affects me now.
What is causing me to hate sex so much?? I want to enjoy it, but I can't! I want DH to enjoy it more too. Any ideas?
Thanks,
Stef
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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
In reply to: stef_21scu
Sun, 08-05-2007 - 10:50am

"What is causing me to hate sex so much?? I want to enjoy it, but I can't! I want DH to enjoy it more too. Any ideas?"

You'll need to seek professional help on this one or look for some self help books if you want to try to diagnose yourself.

"I have always had body image issues, but it has gotten worse in the last year or so. He says he's attracted to me, but I don't feel like he is. We don't flirt or kiss anymore. I feel uncomfortable talking in depth about sex with him. And I think it makes him uncomfortable too."

This can be a contributing to the issue but probably isn't the underline cause(s). Sounds like your own issues with sex have been around for quite some time. His issues sound like part of it is from the medicine but the rest he probably feels how you react to him. As the sex dies in the relationship, mostly like so will the physical and emotional intimacy outside the bedroom, hence the missing flirting and kissing. It tend to be part of complete package for the average couple. Both play off each other in helping to keep the intimacy in the relationship going.

"When we do have sex (once a month or so) I don't usually enjoy it; even if I get off. I just lay there and wait for him to be done. Then afterwards I am angry towards him. If he cuddles, I usually want him to get away from me. If he doesn't cuddle, I want him to."

"He says he's attracted to me, but I don't feel like he is."

So what do you expect from him? You clearly don't express any type of healthly loving attitude toward him when it comes to physical intimacy. You just lay there during sex. You're angry with him afterwards. If he cuddles you want him to get away and when he doesn't you want him to. He's dammed if he does and dammed if he doesn't. No doubt he is attracted to you but it has to be extremely hard to show it because of the way you act and treat him.

Have you ever considered therapy/counseling for yourself?




Edited 8/5/2007 11:28 am ET by tryinghard55
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2005
In reply to: stef_21scu
Sun, 08-05-2007 - 9:25pm
Yes, I have been in and out of therapy for about 10 years for depression. We have gone to therapy together. We just had a baby 5 months ago and that's a big reason for my body image issues. I am dealing with PPD and was in therapy up until a few weeks ago. My therapist said I was doing much better and I agreed with her. She knew about body and sexual issues. I called her the other day because I felt like my PPD was returning. She thinks its a result of me quitting breastfeeding recently and asked me to wait it out a few weeks.
We have been together for 7 years. We have never had a great sex life. But for the most part, we've always had a good relationship. We used to kiss and flirt, but I never enjoyed sex with him. After so many years together and not enjoying the sex, its very hard for us to flirt with eachother. I don't want to be angry and I want him to enjoy it too. I'm not blaming him; all I'm asking is why do I dislike it so much?
Stef
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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
In reply to: stef_21scu
Mon, 08-06-2007 - 9:23am

" all I'm asking is why do I dislike it so much?"

You're probably the only one that has a chance of figuring out that question. No one here will be able to answer that for you. There are thousands of things that lead to being LL. We all have varying degrees as to how much we like/love sex. That is why I ask if you were in therapy as the therapist is trained to asking leading questions that may hopefully point you in a direction as to why. Still no guarantees on getting an answer.

You know you suffer from depression and both that and the medications for it can reduce or eliminate one's drive for sex. As to why you 'hate' it on top of that???? Have you ever talk to the therapist if this is anger is directed toward you. You hate sex and are mad at yourself because you could never learn to enjoy sex? Something that should be enjoyable and bring a couple closer together? Or do you have a history where you learned the sex wasn't a good thing to do?

Breastfeeding is also something else that reduce a woman's desire for sex. So can having a child in general.

"We used to kiss and flirt, but I never enjoyed sex with him. After so many years together and not enjoying the sex, its very hard for us to flirt with eachother. "

Not any different than lots of other relationships where the sex goes away. Folks typically end up as roommates living ending the same roof. Have you tried researching the internet on some of the things I've mentioned above or look in book stores for books that might cover something like sex and depression?

Avatar for cl_elyse449
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
In reply to: stef_21scu
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 1:47pm

Hi Stef,


It's true-you know yourself better than anyone. And there are a lot of possibilities...but for starters, here's what ya got adding to the issue...these are all things that need to be resolved...


1. Post Partum Depression. May diminish with time, but if it's something you experience and if it worsens, you may want to reconsider having further children. As for regular depression (no baby) you may want to find a medication that works for you, keep in mind that often times these effect libido as well...but your health is the key thing of importance first. So, getting this aspect under control is imperative.


2. Recent cease of breastfeeding. I can recall feeling the same way. My first son breast fed for 8 months, while my 2nd son only breast fed for 2 months. I remember feeling all sorts of sad feelings, but I came to the conclusion that perhaps I didn't have enough, either way--nature was at work and

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
In reply to: stef_21scu
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 5:55pm

>>Sometimes when we aren't getting the love we receive best, we start to resent the other person for getting their needs met. This can lead to anger. This may be why you feel anger towards him after sex. You're thinking-oh sure, you're getting what YOU want, what about me? <<

I think this is an EXCELLENT point. I know that when I started digging around in my anger issues, which is a trial unto itself, so be ready if you decide to face your demons, that I realized that my anger was mainly rooted in resentment. That I felt he was getting his needs, sexual or otherwise, met, and that I was being ignored. I am still struggling with it, but it is getting better.
And yes, your husband knows you are not enjoying sex, and if he is really wanting to make love, as opposed to just getting off, it is going to bother him alot. but here is the deal. He cannot fix this for you. He can help you fix it, but you are going to have to do alot of the work, because it sounds like the sex problems are just a symptom of bigger problems. Focusing solely on the sex thing would be like having a cold, and buying really soft tissue to blow your nose instead of getting some cold medicine. Perhaps you are less miserable, but the real issue hasn't been addressed.
And flirting is really hard if there is not a degree of confidence that the sexy things you are saying are at least somewhat based in reality. My flirtiest times are in the days right after we have a had great sex. Because I feel attractive and confident then. But when I have been rejected a few too many times, flirting feels like a lie.
I really hope you can find some answers, and remember, we are here for you, even if you just need a place to vent, or someone to remind you that you are worthy of love and happiness, as we all are.
Angela