LL insight books by Sandra Pertot
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|Fri, 08-03-2007 - 10:13am|
I found this forum through a google search that suggested it was moderated or somehow affiliated with the books of Dr. Sandra Pertot. Most of the posts I see are from people who I don’t think have read her books. If you have not read them I highly recommend that you do! She goes into detail about the causes of and dynamics in many different types of mismatched libido pairings. I’m not being a sales person here; you can usually find them used on Amazon.com.
I am in a mismatched libido marriage. I am the LL partner. I have blamed myself and my abusive upbringing for the sexual troubles in my marriage for 12 years. After reading Dr. Pertot’s books I realize there have been things going on between my husband and I from the beginning that have dampened my once active sex drive that have nothing to do with me being sexually dysfunctional.
My husband has sexual fantasies of power exchange that fall well within the range of what I consider normal. I am and have always been open minded and not easily shocked.
I have tried to indulge him but find myself very turned off when he is transcended into what is called sub-space, a kind of dissociative state where he seems to become very young and vulnerable. I am often made to feel like an uptight prude because I don’t enjoy this. And |I am emotionally punished if I say no to sex or try and set a boundary. Dr. Perot writes that HL partners with fetishes or compulsions can sometimes take the moral high ground, using the current popular ideal of healthy sexuality being about lust, experimentation and adventure as the standard we all should aspire to. I have tried to set boundaries over and over again only to have him intellectually bully and debate me into giving him what he wants, the premise being if I would just do a little work on my own sexuality I would experience growth and then enjoy what he needs in bed.
Well I did do work on my own sexuality and now as I more confidently try and set the same boundaries and make room for my own sexuality in the relationship he does not want to work on it. Being LL can be much more complex than just generally not being interested in sex.