LL insight books by Sandra Pertot
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| Fri, 08-03-2007 - 10:13am |
I found this forum through a google search that suggested it was moderated or somehow affiliated with the books of Dr. Sandra Pertot. Most of the posts I see are from people who I don’t think have read her books. If you have not read them I highly recommend that you do! She goes into detail about the causes of and dynamics in many different types of mismatched libido pairings. I’m not being a sales person here; you can usually find them used on Amazon.com.
I am in a mismatched libido marriage. I am the LL partner. I have blamed myself and my abusive upbringing for the sexual troubles in my marriage for 12 years. After reading Dr. Pertot’s books I realize there have been things going on between my husband and I from the beginning that have dampened my once active sex drive that have nothing to do with me being sexually dysfunctional.
My husband has sexual fantasies of power exchange that fall well within the range of what I consider normal. I am and have always been open minded and not easily shocked.
I have tried to indulge him but find myself very turned off when he is transcended into what is called sub-space, a kind of dissociative state where he seems to become very young and vulnerable. I am often made to feel like an uptight prude because I don’t enjoy this. And |I am emotionally punished if I say no to sex or try and set a boundary. Dr. Perot writes that HL partners with fetishes or compulsions can sometimes take the moral high ground, using the current popular ideal of healthy sexuality being about lust, experimentation and adventure as the standard we all should aspire to. I have tried to set boundaries over and over again only to have him intellectually bully and debate me into giving him what he wants, the premise being if I would just do a little work on my own sexuality I would experience growth and then enjoy what he needs in bed.
Well I did do work on my own sexuality and now as I more confidently try and set the same boundaries and make room for my own sexuality in the relationship he does not want to work on it. Being LL can be much more complex than just generally not being interested in sex.
- 9 Foods to Put You in the Mood
- 11 Foods That Could Be Killing Your Sex Life
- Change in sex drive 3
- Both LL- frustrated 3
- Impotence causing problems 52
- Left my HL husband 14
- Giving up. 32
- Tim Gunn: "I Haven't Had Sex in 29 Years" 22
- Free Sexual CPR teleclass!!!!! 1
- Another question for LLs from an HL. 15
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Hi Hondagurl,
You touch on some very interesting issues. My DH is also interested in power exchange, and while I understand (and to some extent respond to) the SPIRIT of BD/SM, the accoutrements (whips, handcuffs, etc.) do absolutely nothing for me. I do fantasize about being forced to do things (by a man) or about forcing myself on someone (usually a woman), but it's the attitude I respond to, not the bells and whistles.
Whenever I try to incorporate some of the accessories for DH's sake, I find I don't respond at all to them. If I'm not careful, this can cause me to slip into "what's wrong with me" mode.
The fact is that it's not too common for a couple's sexual fantasies and proclivities to mesh perfectly, unless both partners in the couple are sexually "versatile" and respond to a range of scenarios and stimuli.
I think this kind of "mismatch in turn-ons" is pervasive problem in long-term relationships and probably accounts for a lot of ML. There's no easy solution, either. What DH and I are (slowly, tentatively) trying to do is to incorporate elements that appeal to both of us into our sexual play. Our progress is hampered by the fact that neither of us feels secure, quite yet, that the other accepts and embraces our particular sexual leanings. It's a tough rope to dance on.
Freelance
Sorry FLM,
But I have to disagree. I think here in lies a difference in the way we view our overall relationships as well as sexual one.
The way I look at it is like this. If you are in an LTR then you want to do things for your partner that brings them pleasure. This could be in the way of a special meal a breakfast in bed or in any supportive role. Ie I enjoy cooking DW's favorite meal it brings me pleasure to watch her enjoy it. I love watching DW at horse back riding. It is something she loves to do and I love being able to facilitate it.
She enjoys back massages. I would rather get one than give one, but I enjoy giving her that pleasure. I also love facilitating an orgasm any way she choses it. (on that rare occasion) And I would probably do just about anything she wanted sexually if it would excite her and bring her pleasure. I would do it because like the meal and the horse back riding I enjoy being the source of my SOs pleasure.
So why shouldn't she take pleasure in sexual act that brings me pleasure? If only from this perspective. You don't have to be totally into it or turned on by it, other than with the self knowledge that you have the power to be the source of great pleasure for your SO. I am sure this applies in so many other parts of your relationship. Why can't it apply to the bedroom.
Dirty
In a sexual encounter you are not just serving someone a meal , you are being asked to eat the meal too, and if you don't like liver, for whatever reasons, eating liver is going to make you gag no matter how much your loved one enjoys it. Would you enjoy serving your wife her favorite meal if it was something you didn't like and you were expected to eat some and enjoy it too? And if you tried to explain that you just didnt like the way it tasted you were chastised and given the argument : I do your laundry, I pay the bills, I make you lemonade on hot summer days I don't understand why you cant just eat a little liver for me when I want you to and enjoy it. Everyone else does. And I want you to wear an itchy see thru nightie while you are eating it and also I want you to stroke my ego by telling me how thrilling and excellent I am for enjoying liver so much. It's a lot to ask.
I know it is harsh to think that what you love or think is no big deal sexually might make someone else gag, but sex is bodily expression and unpleasant sex evokes strong bodily reactions.
From your post it sounds like you're by nature a giver, which is great. I'm by nature a taker, and have to make a conscious effort to give (which I do) as it just doesn't come naturally to me. My DH is always preparing my coffee, pouring my wine, etc., and though I've learned to do the same by watching him over the years, it's not as deeply woven into my nature as it is in his. It's only with my kids that giving comes naturally to me. I'll spontaneously give my DD a footrub or suggest a bike ride with my DS because giving them pleasure gives me pleasure. With everyone else (including close family and friends) I have to push myself.
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If she's not a giver by nature, giving you pleasure may not give her much pleasure. I also think that HLs get not only emotional pleasure, but SEXUAL pleasure, from pleasing their partners sexually, which is why sexual "giving" is so much easier and more natural for them than for LLs.
F.
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Excellent excellent point. That's why "sexual giving" is so different from other kinds of giving.
F.
Interesting! You seem to be less giving to the SO who you loved so much that you had his children. Yet you chose to not be as giving to that same person.
As far as the liver thing I laughed so hard I can't even reply to that. LOL
So when the SOs cheat or leave maybe then you can find someone who isn't as giving and you
can both not give to each other.
Dirty
Sure that can be a reason. If you have ever visited some of the other boards I have seen wives lose interest in sex because their husbands refuse to perform oral sex and that is the main or only way they can have an orgasm. The husbands focus is mainly on themselves. The wives say they don't have much interest in sex any more.
Or husbands who can only have sex with their wives in the missionary position. If they push for anything, the wives refuse to have sex. Yet the wives can be bored with the sex they have and show little interest in it.