LL Newlywed

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2007
LL Newlywed
8
Sat, 01-05-2008 - 6:02pm

3 months ago I married my high school sweetheart of 10 years (I'm 26, he's 28). As far back as I can remember I have always had a difficult time getting in the mood for sex. The sex itself is fine, but it requires a lot of mental work on my part to be turned on. But since everything else in our relationship has made me happy, I assumed it was normal and ignored it. A couple months before the wedding, I met someone else. I was immediately attracted to him and eventually we had sex. Even though I feel immense guilt and know what I did was wrong, I can't ignore the difference in me. I realized that I was feeling about this other person the way I should have been feeling for my husband all along.

I went through with the wedding because I kept assuming these doubts were normal, but now months later, I am already in a sexless marriage. I cannot stop thinking about how the other person made me feel and how badly I wanted to have sex with him. I realize that it was probably infatuation and would eventually go away, but I also realize I've never felt that type of chemistry and connection with my husband. Now that I'm aware of how I could be feeling, it's difficult to ignore. I have been seeing a therapist on my own and am considering couples counseling, but I'm not sure I would be able to create the type of attraction I obviously want. At the same time, lack of sexual attraction seems like a shallow reason to end a 3 month marriage.

Has anyone else experienced this?




Edited 1/5/2008 6:06 pm ET by conflicted730
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
In reply to: conflicted730
Sat, 01-05-2008 - 6:18pm

How does your husband feel about your low libido? From what I've read on this forum and from what I've experienced (I'm HL in a 22-year

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2007
In reply to: conflicted730
Sat, 01-05-2008 - 6:31pm
Thanks for your response. I appreciate it. My low libido is driving my husband crazy. He is depressed, feels unloved and unwanted, and is convinced I'm going to leave. I've told him that I don't want to leave, but that I'm afraid I don't have any other choice if our marriage is going to look like this. He doesn't know about my affair. I did only have sex with the other person once, but it was after a build up of about a month and followed by a month of long distance relationship (he was only temporarily living near me). We both agreed that we hadn't ever felt that way about anyone else, but knew I had to get married so we ended our relationship. It was extremely painful and I still miss him terribly. It's possible I wouldn't be able to find that level of happiness again. But I'm not sure the fear of not finding that again is reason to stay. I would never consider bringing children into this. I can't even imagine it getting to that point. Don't you have to have sex to have children anyway? ;)
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
In reply to: conflicted730
Sat, 01-05-2008 - 6:47pm

<<I've told him that I don't want to leave, but that I'm afraid I don't have any other choice if our marriage is going to look like this.>>


This is the part I'm unclear about. Other than believing there's another man with which you could have a better relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2007
In reply to: conflicted730
Sun, 01-06-2008 - 10:25am
The problem is I'm not sure what my husband can change. There is nothing wrong with the actual sex, but now that I realize the problem has been I'm not sexually attracted to him, I don't know how to create that. It's like now that I know how I could be feeling about someone, I hate that I don't feel that way about my husband. He has said repeatedly that he will never leave me, even though we have no sex life. My reasons for leaving would be acknowledging a lack of sexual chemistry and attraction that should have been there the whole time. I'm also struggling with whether or not this is enough to leave a marriage. It seems trite, but at the same time, is greatly affecting our lives.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2007
In reply to: conflicted730
Sun, 01-06-2008 - 4:00pm

>> I'm also struggling with whether or not this is enough to leave a marriage. It seems trite, but at the same time, is greatly affecting our lives.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
In reply to: conflicted730
Sun, 01-06-2008 - 9:43pm

" have been seeing a therapist on my own and am considering couples counseling, but I'm not sure I would be able to create the type of attraction I obviously want. At the same time, lack of sexual attraction seems like a shallow reason to end a 3 month marriage. "


You can't will attraction to happen.

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
In reply to: conflicted730
Mon, 01-07-2008 - 9:54am

Whatever you do, do not have children with this man unless and until you have resolved the sex issue.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
In reply to: conflicted730
Mon, 01-07-2008 - 9:38pm

I agree - you just don't 'will' chemistry into your relationship.


I dated a guy I was going to marry. He was perfect for me. Nice, good job, liked animals, my best friend, blah blah blah.


Problem was, I did everything I could to avoid kissing him. And having IC? Ewwwwwwwww! I was definitely the LL there.


Now I am married to someone who is NOT perfect for me. But let me tell you there's CHEMISTRY! :) I'm here because I'm the HL.


You can't force it. You can love him all you want, but "it" won't magically appear.


Good luck. I am sorry for the situation you're in!