From a LL thats had enough
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| Sat, 02-17-2007 - 5:44pm |
Been reading other comments and ...........
AMEN!!!!! to Freelance. I've been sitting here feeling like a piece of sh** cause I can not for the life of me (and lord I've tried it all) get into sex. I'm just not built that way.
Living with a HL is like trying to feed a person a gourmet meal every nite and all you as a LL can only come up with is Mcdonalds. I can cook everynite. ...but is only Mcdonalds he gets fed and I'm so *Y&^&%%&%^ tired of feeling like there is something wrong with me when there is NOTHING wrong with me.. its just the way I'm built. AND if I happen to want sex.. (yes it does happen) he laughs and asks what wrong with me. I usually tear up and leave the room. and lord forbit if we happen to have (what he deams) as great sex one day ,, then he wants more more more!!. I run and hide.. Cuause I can't. There is nothing there in my sole to make me desire sex and more than I'm built for.
We are going on vacation for 2 weeks and I almost dread it cause... will I be able to fullfill his needs and make him feel that I am into haveing sex, when I'm not????. Or will I just be giving him "pity sex" as someone said elsewhere.
I'm at a lost......................... maybe I should just set him free to be with someone who can give him what he wants. (sob)
Anyone that says sex is sopose to release strees should read this web-site. Its full of people that are stressed about it.
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- Left my HL husband 14
- Giving up. 32
- Tim Gunn: "I Haven't Had Sex in 29 Years" 22
- Free Sexual CPR teleclass!!!!! 1
- Another question for LLs from an HL. 15
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You shouldn't feel badly about yourself. Being an HL, I hope that I do not make my LL feel badly. I don't know you and your HL's relationship, but is he MAKING you feel bad on purpose?
I would love to have McDonalds once a week and a gourmet meal on the weekend, but I usually am getting McDonalds on Saturday, the only time I get fed. It is frustrating to be an HL but I can see where you are coming from. If your HL makes you feel bad, then that is wrong. There is nothing wrong with McDonalds, doesn't this person see you are trying to make them happy? What do they do in return for you to make you happy?
I hope the vacation goes well. To be working on this as hard as it sounds you are, you must really care for this person. Have you told them how they make you feel?
no DH never really says anything. This is all coming from me. I've tried to talk to him (I do not talk about sex with him..its just way to embrassing) but when I have (probably only a couple of times),, he said he thinks its him and gets upset when I tell him that I feel inquate as a partner. He thinks that he doesn't turn me on, he says he understand that we have different libidos..but I can see it in his body language when he gets feeling "unloved" I tell him that its not him. Nothing has ever turned me on. Its just the way I am. But society says LL are abnormal. So......then we stress out and Mcd's is all that is served.
Hi debbzy,
I'm really sorry. We do have more HL's posting so that may be part of it. Here's my thoughts, for whatever they're worth...
You said;
"Been reading other comments and.."
Well, hopefully you understand that THOSE comments are based off of those peoples feelings on THEIR situation. It isn't reflective upon you personally. And it's just them blowing off steam at their own frustration. A lot of us agree that being LL is neither right nor wrong as well as being HL...just like we don't FORCE anyone to be LL or HL, it's just who we are as people and finding a suitable way to compromise and meet each other half way so that we CAN stay together.
You then said; "I've been sitting here feeling like a piece of sh** cause I can not for the life of me (and lord I've tried it all) get into sex. I'm just not built that way."
AND THAT IS OK. Not that you need me to say so, but it is. But it sounds like your dh needs some time to sort through his feelings. He hasn't expressed himself or otherwise broached the topic much so he is left to his own devices on problem solving. Obviously on some level, he isn't hearing what you're saying with regard to sex. You need to find a way to get past the embarrassment and be open and honest with him that you love him, but you just don't LOVE sex the way he does. Tell him what pleases you instead though--make an effort to point out to him what things he does for you that DO help you to feel loved. With that same token, try to understand that this is who he is. If you want him to accept you for the way you are, you need to be prepared to offer the same.
You said; "Living with a HL is like trying to feed a person a gourmet meal every nite and all you as a LL can only come up with is Mcdonalds."
Some people are difficult to please, that's true. As a HL myself, I am not. Sorry. Initially I
I just wanted to contribute a little bit on this subject. I understand what the original poster was saying about feeling like sh*t about being LL. I feel that way times 10 because I haven't ALWAYS been LL. When my relationship began I was very HL. I've put my DH through alot, esp since I am not a natural "toucher" either. It's only by reading these posts that I understood how isolated the lack of physical affection made him feel.
"What I will say is, reading the input from others on the opposite side to the issue can be helpful...painful, but helpful. It's what helped ME improve as a person in my marriage where I was the HL. That's why I quit acting like a moron to my dh." Amen, Elyse!! This is the single greatest benefit I have found in coming here. But it did take me some time reading and lurking and thinking before I stopped feeling personally bad about everything the HLs posted. It's hard to see yourself reflected that way, but it can be a great wake up call. It also can be good grounds for comparison, there are times I've read stories and thought, 'well, at least I'm not as bad as THAT'.
You just have to internalize what applies to you, and index what doesn't in the 'interesting but not necessarily pertinent' category.
Hopefully the original poster can get to that point and find some peace and middle ground in her relationship as I have in mine (sorta...it's a work in progress) :-P
Randa
There is nothing wrong with you. It is not abnormal to be LL. It isn't even uncommon. Heck, if it were so unusual, there wouldn't be so many HLs here complaining! So please be reassured that you are normal and there is nothing about you that need to be "fixed" as regards your libido.
Now, that dosn't mean there isn't something that needs to be fixed in your relationship. There clearly is. But it isn't YOU that needs fixing. Just the way you and your H relate to sex.
I agree with the others. You need to have an open conversation with your husband. Embarrassing or not. Explain to him that you guys have a mismatch that needs to be worked out. And it isn't going to be 100% what either person wants. But you will create the compromise together. And that creation will be another thing that makes you unique as a couple. And binds you together. Through a shred understanding. He will understand your sexuality as no man ever has. And you will undertsand his sexuality in ways no woman ever has. And that is beautiful. Even if you don't desire sex equally. You are equal partners in your shared sex life.
Good luck.
When you see it coming, duck!
Debbzy,
From all our discussions in the past, you have so many emotional scars from the mistreatment by various men in your life and childhood (I think) that you probably still don't know who you truly are. You don't know if you are truly LL or if you could actually learn to enjoy sex and lovemaking. From what I remember, your husband still doesn't know the extend of emotional damage that you have taken. You can't get past all those huge internal walls that you have built up inside you and if I remember right, you don't totally tell your therapist(s) everything for whatever reason. And since your husband truly doesn't know what is going on, he makes all the wrong assumptions.
I wish I could tell you some way to get past all your emotional scars but I am clueless at this point. I think you are the only one that can turn things around but you'll have to learn to 'trust' someone in your life to help you. And I wonder if you will ever be able to do that with what you have suffered. {Hugs}
Yes I'm still knocking my brains out. I have to stop it. When it gets to much in my head I come here and rant. I think this board and you are the only ones I've told about the past to. Docs just get all weird and say its not your fault. Duh..I know that.
I just don't feel I'm doing good enough. Ie/ the -serving Mcd's comments
Frankly most of the time I don't know why people do it in the first place. I do not find any emtional connection people talk about. You do it,,its over and you go on with your day.
I just can't bring myself to "talk" to him, which yes I know doesn't help him understand me nor me understand him. In 10yrs I don't think he's ever tried to talk to me either. Me learning him as been by trial and error over the years. He knows I'm not totally into it and has said he is very lucky to have a woman like me that tries to anticipate his needs. But as a man he wishes he could turn me on. I think that what truly bothers me. Is that I am the cause of him feeling less of a man cause he can't turn his woman on. It takes alot of thinking on my part to get the old motor going and I'm getting old. Takes longer. HAHA.
But I am me... and he is him. We are built different and we both know it.
This board has given me insight and understand into the other side of the fence. Can't say its made me feel any better about me. I see how HL's are driven crazy by their LL's and I keep thinking I'm driving him nuts.
I do tell myself that our trip will be grand. No work... no stress... no kids...just sunshine , tequilla and us. :-)
D
"This board has given me insight and understand into the other side of the fence. Can't say its made me feel any better about me. I see how HL's are driven crazy by their LL's and I keep thinking I'm driving him nuts."
I think what drives us HL more crazy is the not knowing more then the no/little sex. It's not knowing what we can do to come to a workable compromise, not understanding exactly how OUR LL views the mismatch (or even if they see it is mismatched as opposed to us just being oversexed).. it is more frustrating to us HL when our LL partners won't talk to us about how they are feeling so we can understand.... that leaves us to come here and get some understanding from other LL people that are willing to share (at least on here if not with their own SO ). I have gained more insight into LL's from this board in the last three months then I have my whole marriage. I only wish my DH would be so willing to read some of these messages so that he might gain some understanding without it seeming like pressure from me.
Debbzy... if you can't feel comfortable talking to your hubby,,, what about showing him some of the posts you have shared with us... and some of our responses... it may help him to understand and therefore make it easier to open the lines of communication between the two of you? Often it is harder to stay on topic and get out all of what you want to say when it is verbally done...but when written.. it is easier to stay on topic and say all of what you intended.... something to think about.
Best of Luck
Forever Optimistic
I don't think he is ever going to be able to "turn you on" if you mean sexually aroused. And that reflects no lack in him. And no flaw in you. It is just how you are wired. No one is at fault. It is just the way it is.
However, I do think that some day you might be able to show the enthusiasm he desires. Not for the sex. But for the way it makes HIM feel. There are a couple of things to overcome.
One is, you have to resolve anything that bothers you about him or about the relationship. In other words, you have to be not just OK with being married to him, but happy about being married to him. You have to get beyond "this is pretty much what someone could expect" to "this is great and I am really lucky to get to be married to this guy". You have ti be open and honest about whatever he does (or doesn't do) that ticks you off and stands in the way of you wanting to make loving gestures for his benefit. So let him have it. If he wants more sex, he should be willing to meet your needs. If he isn't ready and willing to do that, then it isn't YOUR fault that you guys don't have more sex.
Next thing is, you have to get past "why does he need THIS?" You have to get past what a pain in the neck it is for YOU, and focus on what it will do for him. He will be happier. He will treat you better. He will be more successful at work. You will see, you being enthusiastic about sex is going to be like a magic tonic for him. I accept and understand that you cannot work up much enthusiasm for sex. But can't you work up some enthusiasm for a happier, more productive, more successful, more attentive and more cooperative spouse?
I know you wish that there was something else you could do besides sex that would have all this positive impact on your husband. But in all likelihood, there isn't. That stinks. And as FLM often says, is at the heart of ML.
I know you probably won't ever crave sex the way your H wishes you would. But it sounds like you love him dearly. So perhaps there is something you ARE enthusiastic about that would help you work up the energy to give him the sex he needs. If not, well, that is the way the cookie crumbles. I mean it. I feel for both of you.
But instead of viewing yourself as a failure as a wife, maybe this is something you could see yourself being very proud of. That you found a way to build up your H despite not being all that into sex. Sounds to me like you would be enthusiastic about seeing yourself as a success. Maybe you could challenge yourself. Try something new just to see the look on your H's face. Make a game of it. How far can you get his jaw to drop? How long can you get him to freeze with a look of astonishment on his face when you tell him what you are going to do to him? How long does he have to remain seated at the dinner table because he can't stand up without his excitement being visible to everyone in the restaurant?
I know that thinking of sex and working up the nerve to do or say something sexual is exhausting for you. I sympathize that what I am asking is not easy for you. But isn't there a big payoff? Not in your physical pleasure. But in his emotional reaction. I think that if you train yourself to make small gestures. Or whisper sweet nothings. Orpass notes to him across the table. You will reap enormous benefits.
I am not suggesting you attempt tantric positions and bark at the full moon. Just communicate to him in whatever way you are least uncomfortable that you understand the pain he is in and you are taking responsibility for reducing that pain to the fullest extent that you can. I suspect that small efforts on your part. Perhaps in the nature of anticipatory communication as much as actual sexual contact. Will work wonders.
I am anxious to hear your reaction to this. Even if you feel that what I suggest is beyond your capacity. I am curious how it feels for you to read this suggestion.
When you see it coming, duck!
debbzy,
The one thing I want to make sure to point out, and I TRULY hope you believe is this;
I SEE with open eyes the attempts my dh makes. He truly has tried to compromise and hear me on this ML issue. He didn't at first, but does and has for the past couple years or so. Things never panned out as being "equally" compromising, but the fact that he recognized there was an issue and made more attempts to be affectionate, loving, attentive and giving of himself in OTHER ways...helped enormously.
I truly, truly from the bottom of my heart and soul appreciate that. In fact, I don't think I could ever put into words how much that has meant to me. Honestly though-at this point I couldn't go back to how things were b/w us sexually. I find myself thinking of sex less and less myself so I just couldn't do it. But there are things in our lives together that he gives me, that I know for a FACT few other men could and I truly appreciate it.
My dh is the type of man that accepts my frailities. He accepts the less than positive things about me and he loves me ANYWAY. He doesn't care that my body isn't how it used to be, he doesn't care whether or not I wear make-up or dresses. He doesn't care whether I've cleaned the house good (although he will compliment me when I have), he cooks our dinners, he works at a job that is extremely physically exhausting (some phases of the job more than others, some less), he goes out of his way to help with the kids on weekends....I could go on and on and on. He's a good and steady man-what I truly wanted. Were I to point out to you the less favorable things, well--if one looks hard enough, they're sure to find them EVERY darn time...but trust me when I say the list would be SHORT. I don't want to make it sound like I do NOTHING though, but this is about HIM, not me.
So, don't assume you aren't doing enough, kay? Speaking for myself, I see ALL that my dh does and it means worlds to me. I know that man loves me whether we have sex once a week, once a month or once a year. It isn't about love, it's just our needs are different-it doesn't equate into him not wanting me. I suppose that's why I've found a certain level of peace on the topic. He gives me so much in OTHER areas to our marriage that it sort of went a direction that meant it would be enough to sustain us. I hope that makes sense.
Elyse
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