LL=past sexual abuse?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2008
LL=past sexual abuse?
29
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 12:01pm

Hi all:


New to

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 1:02pm

<>


That's quite an accusation. To paint 49+% of the population of the planet as mysogynists is pretty startling. I appreciate your honesty. I think you must have been treated pretty badly or witnessed some pretty awful treatment of others

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 1:25pm

>>>>> Does the bad boy need to be a separate person to satisfy her? Am I incapable of fulfilling that fantasy because she sees me as the clean-cut good guy hero breadwinner? <<<<<


Yes.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2008
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 1:42pm

my_sex_toy45:


I appreciate your response and agree with most everything you wrote, especially about the conditioning. I know that a lot of my feelings about men are based on fear and lack of trust, and yes, I did experience quite a lot that I shouldn't have. However, I have both a son and a daughter, and really want to heal all this yuck inside to avoid having them internalize it. It's my life journey: to heal myself and allow trust to grow.


In response to the bad boy thing, I have pondered it myself. I have a suspicion that it is a biological expression. The alpha male prototype suggests strong, fierce, dominant genes, and maybe that is the appeal (from a survival of the fittest point of view). Attraction is very visceral. The kind of men my heart is attracted to are much more nurturing, mellow, probably men like yourself (and the one I married). But the ones I want to f*ck are intense, nasty, dominating, and powerful. Luckily I had the sense to marry the one my heart was attracted to (and I am still wildly crazy for him, but my LL might be a result of only having sexual access to a man that doesn't do much for me sexually). Having a heart attraction, IMO, is very important for a LTR, and I coud never find both a heart attraction and sexual attraction all in one package (and found in my past experience that the men I had the best sex with were not at all appropriate for LTR's).


In regard to your daughters, just love them, protect them, teach them to tolerate nothing less than what they want from a man, and they will find their way. You appear to be a decent fellow, and

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2007
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 2:20pm

My first sexual partner was incredible. The best sex I have ever had. She had bullimia and all the wonderful physical and mental repercussions from that. But was very much into it, bit of a fantasy girl, etc. Definitely HL.

We dated for a year or so, so maybe all that would change.

I find out a few months in, however, that she had been raped, twice, by a friend's father.

It was my belief (intuitively) that her sexual nature was at it was due to that early childhood experience.

Who knows what would have happened had we married, but she was definitely NOT LL.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 2:25pm

<>


This is exactly what I fear in my wife: That she loves me as the kind of man she

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 2:27pm

>>>>> Who knows what would have happened had we married, but she was definitely NOT LL. <<<<<


I can assure you what would have happened if you had gotten married.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 3:18pm

<>

I don't see it quite that way. As discussed in my attraction/revulsion ramblings, I believe that "bad" or "naughty" is an inherent component of sexual excitement for EVERYONE, to some extent. I read somewhere that all cultures, even very "primitive" ones, perceive sex as "dirty" in some way. If my way of thinking if correct, then "bad boys" will have an allure even to women with high self-esteem, which I believe is the case. The difference might be that high self-esteem women recognize that most relationships with bad boys won't serve them well in the long term, so avoid becoming overly dependent on such men and know when to cut ties with them.

<<<>

You talked about conditioning. Do you think the above could be a conditioned need, and thus amenable to deconditioning? Could you find other things that make you feel intensely bonded to your wife?

Freelance




Edited 1/11/2008 3:25 pm ET by freelancemomma
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2008
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 3:25pm

my_sex_toy45:


I don't know what to say about what you wrote. It seems a biological tragedy if what we are theorizing is true. In a perfect world, I would want to f*uck my husband silly as much as I want to hug, kiss, wrestle, snuggle, and just be tucked in his arms as much as I do.


Another theory is that because I am a sexual abuse survivor, psychologically I dissected my heart and sexuality from each other. Better to keep them miles apart. Having really really good sex with someone that I also allow into my heart might just be too scary for me on some level (just guessing. I am a very introspective person, and I am not sure if this is what happened or not). I feel *VERY* emotionally intimate with my husband. I have no interest in being emotionally intimate with

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 3:29pm

Hi JBM,

I just wanted to welcome you to the board. I'm another LL woman with a (sort of) LL husband. We also love each other a lot and have two kids together. Unlike you, though, I've never had wild monkey sex. Very very occasionally I've been able to get hot under the collar from sexual fantasy, but I seem to have too many hangups about sex for this to happen in real life. I have no trouble orgasming, but experience this as more of a mechanical process than a sexual one.

F.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2008
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 3:35pm

Freelance:


Thanks for your welcome! I really appreciate the honesty I am finding on this board. The two of us seem to have a similar situation (two LL's married to other LL's).


Wild monkey love is great, exhilarating, breathtaking, crying, screaming, sweating, back breaking, bed breakingly hot. I highly recommend it. Have you tried cyber sex? It is a great way to experiment (as long as you are not betraying some sort of committment you have with your husband). I have had a lot of really intense cyber sex, and felt very satisfied with it (without running the risk of STD's, divorce, broken heart, etc). Maybe you could give it a try?


I look forward to conversing more with you and Mr. Sex Toy :-)


JBM

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