LLs: Are YOU ever turned down?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2003
LLs: Are YOU ever turned down?
28
Wed, 10-24-2007 - 5:09pm

I was just wondering how LLs respond to being turned down for sex and/or affection. I know my DW does NOT handle it well - she feels entitled to sex where I'm not allowed to.

Is this how all LLs feel? If not, do you respond as well to being turned down as you wish your spouse/SO did? Would it bother you if s/he started turning you down a significant portion of the time?

-dadguy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2007
Wed, 10-24-2007 - 6:18pm
I'm new to this, but I'll give answering a shot. If I actually want sex, I feel rejected when turned down, like I suppose you would. But I get over it very fast. Maybe your wife can't believe that you would not want to. It probably seems to her that normally you want sex all the time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2003
Wed, 10-24-2007 - 6:36pm

>>Maybe your wife can't believe that you would not want to. It probably seems to her that normally you want sex all the time.<<

When we first started dating, I had anxiety-induced ED and SHE wanted it all the time. This is when she suggested that she and I date, but that she have a FB. That should have been my first clue that there would be future problems.

I assure you that I DON'T want sex all the time. Ideally I would have sex 2-3 times a week, maybe more & maybe less depending on the circumstances. But I don't believe it should be one-sided and that one party should have complete control over when, what & where.

Actually, I think it's based on her erroneous belief that 'Men want it all the time' and she has said as much. When I have turned her down, she won't accept 'No' as an answer (what she would call 'pushing', but what HLs call 'convincing')

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Wed, 10-24-2007 - 7:43pm

<>

Kind of a hypothetical question, because I rarely "ask for sex" in a manner that could be turned down. We have to plan for it, as he needs Cialis to achieve and maintain an erection.

That said, I know myself well enough to be able to say that it would not bother me in the slightest to be turned down occasionally. Being turned down all the time would probably bother me, though.

F.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2002
Wed, 10-24-2007 - 11:12pm

>>>Being turned down all the time would probably bother me, though.
Why's that, are you that needy?

Dirty

Where there's marriage without love, there will be love without marriage. Benjamin Franklin
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Wed, 10-24-2007 - 11:54pm

>>>Being turned down all the time would probably bother me, though.
Why's that, are you that needy?

No, I don't think I'm particularly needy. It's just that being turned down all the time would tell me my DH didn't find me sexually attractive, which would be a disappointment. No more to it than that.

Freelance

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2007
Thu, 10-25-2007 - 11:20am
I don't think I've ever managed to turn my L(ower, not low)L BF down.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2007
Thu, 10-25-2007 - 4:52pm

When i get turned down it is not because my Df doesnt want it. He is cutting off his nose to spite his face. He turns me down trying to show me how it feels.

I dont necessarily get mad about it but It kind of feels like you complain that i dont give it up enough then when i do you now dont want it. It feels like a lose lose situation at times. Im not saying you complain because i dont know your situation completely but this is my situation.

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siggyme
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2002
Thu, 10-25-2007 - 10:57pm

>>>No, I don't think I'm particularly needy. It's just that being turned down all the time >>>would tell me my DH didn't find me sexually attractive, which would be a disappointment. >>>No more to it than that.

So if he just lost interest in sex out of no where, it wouldn't be a problem?

>>DH didn't find me sexually attractive, which would be a disappointment.
Why would this be so disappointing? Why do you want to be sexually attractive to someone if you don't really want to have sex?

I'm sooo confused!!!!

Dirty

Where there's marriage without love, there will be love without marriage. Benjamin Franklin
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2003
Thu, 10-25-2007 - 11:42pm

>>No, I don't think I'm particularly needy. It's just that being turned down all the time would tell me my DH didn't find me sexually attractive, which would be a disappointment. No more to it than that.<<

It does sound to me like you need that validation of being attractive to your spouse. I almost started another thread about 'validation' because it seems LLs throw it around like its a dirty word, like it's something that we don't all seek in some form or another.

Professional validation, educational validation, recognition for work we do, good grades, job certification, the material items and wealth we have, etc . . . ALL of it has an element of looking for validation from others. I don't really see why it's more 'needy' to want your spouse to see you as attractive than it is for a Doctor wanting to be viewed as 'successful'.

BTW, I WAS turned down 100% of the time. I stopped asking. The truth is, however, that I don't believe LLs find their spouses attractive. I think that is the core of the issue and why the HL possibly seems so needy. As you pointed out in another thread, my DW WOULD kiss me, make love to me, etc IF SHE WANTED TO. I also have NO DOUBT that she would (hypothetically) do these things with a 'new man' she was dating.

The fact is that if our LL spouses don't treat us like they are attracted to us, they probably AREN'T. So, there's really no difference in how you (a LL) would respond emotionally to constant rejection. The thing is that LLs DO FEEL attractive to their HL spouses- they may be annoyed at how s/he goes about asking, but at least they don't question their partner finding them attractive. I KNOW (from past experience) that my DW would be devastated if I were impotent and could not 'get it up' for her. . .

On a side note, this whole 'moratorium' has led to MANY revelations- most of which deal with what is wrong with me! Quite unexpected, to be sure. But I have been wondering recently, "What the H*LL is wrong with me that I still want to (make love, kiss, etc) someone who is obviously not attracted to me?" Why, as HLs, do we face CONSTANT rejection (which I think is abuse) and still come back for more? Do I think I somehow DESERVE to be treated this way? What IS wrong with ME? (This is a rhetorical question, thank you very much! LOL)

-dadguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Fri, 10-26-2007 - 11:15am

<<"What the H*LL is wrong with me that I still want to (make love, kiss, etc) someone who is obviously not attracted to me?" Why, as HLs, do we face CONSTANT rejection (which I think is abuse) and still come back for more? Do I think I somehow DESERVE to be treated this way? What IS wrong with ME? (This is a rhetorical question, thank you very much! LOL)>>


Indeed, a great question dadguy23. I struggled with this issue over and over again, more times than I care to remember.


Carl Jung, once the disciple of Freud,

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