LL's: Help an HL understand love and ML

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
LL's: Help an HL understand love and ML
6
Thu, 12-06-2007 - 10:03pm

A question for LL's: I'm an HL and married to an LL. My spouse expresses a strong love for me. Yet sometimes when I request sex with a reasonable frequency my spouse denies me. Sometimes when I request certain types of sex which are not disrespectful and which my spouse has participated in willingly in the past my spouse denies me. The reasons my spouse gives range from, "I'm tired" to "I just don't feel like it" to "I'm not in the mood".


I have a strong love for my spouse. I do things for my spouse I don't feel like doing, both at work and around the house (my spouse came up with the work/sex comparison, revealing something about how my spouse views sex). Sometimes I'm tired and I'm not in the mood to work and I just don't feel like working, yet I do it anyway. Furthermore, we are committed to be exclusive with each other when it comes to sex. So, although someone else could do the work, no one else could provide the sexual satisfaction.


This imbalance hurts my feelings, it makes me

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Fri, 12-07-2007 - 5:58am

Hi Sex Toy,

Welcome to the board! I'm a (sort of) LL woman with a (sort of) LL husband, so there's no mismatch to speak of. I hang around this board because of all the stimulating discussions and the opportunity to help and learn from others.

I just finished reading a book called Perfectly Normal: Living and Loving with Low Libido, by Dr. Sandra Pertot (a sex therapist), which may help you understand the LL perspective.

I think HLs and LLs may have fundamentally different views about the meaning of marriage. I'm generalizing here, but I think that for HLs marriage is primarily an intimate and sexual relationship, whereas for LLs it's primarily a "life partnership." To me, there's great meaning in building a life with another person: sharing short- and long-term goals, merging finances, having and raising children together, etc. I know that many HLs on this board have said that none of these things give real meaning to the marriage without the intimate (sexual) connection. To LLs like me, all these things are very meaningful in their own right.

<>

Many HLs have brought up this issue and it's a valid one. That's why I believe that LLs should do their best to be receptive to sex, even if they're not carried away with passion.

<>

Another point that many HLs have brought up. Here, I'll have to agree with Dr. Pertot, who says that having unwanted sex is fundamentally different from doing the dishes or taking out the garbage. It's more psychologically draining and can feel like a violation of self, especially if it's chronic. Which is not to let the LL off the hook. I think LLs need to bring their creativity to bear on the challenge of making sex as enjoyable as it can be for them, so they'll actually want to have sex more often (but maybe not with the same motivation or intensity as HLs). HLs, for their part, need to be flexible about their "needs" and perhaps compromise on their ideal of frequent, hot, lusty, mutually craved sex. This type of sex may happen on occasion, but probably won't be the norm for a HL/LL couple.

<<<>

I wouldn't draw this conclusion if I were you. I believe it's possible to love someone deeply (and to find them attractive) without wanting to jump their bones with any regularity.

I suggest you start with Dr. Pertot's premise in dealing with sexual issues: that most people are well-meaning and don't have serious sexual dysfunctions. If your wife doesn't want sex, there's probably a good reason for it. Perhaps you can both work together to see what might make her want it a little more. That's assuming she's open to discussion and exploration. If she absolutely refuses to discuss the issue, then yes, she's being selfish.

HTH Freelance

p.s. I noticed you didn't use any pronouns in your post, just "my spouse." So I have no idea about your or your spouse's gender. (My assumption was that you're a male and your spouse is a female, though of course I could be wrong.) I ask because gender differences sometimes come into play in a ML situation.

Edited 12/7/2007 6:04 am ET by freelancemomma




Edited 12/7/2007 6:06 am ET by freelancemomma
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2007
Fri, 12-07-2007 - 7:50am


>>A question for LL's: I'm an HL and married to an LL. My spouse expresses a strong love for me. Yet sometimes when I request sex with a reasonable frequency my spouse denies me. Sometimes when I request certain types of sex which are not disrespectful and which my spouse has participated in willingly in the past my spouse denies me. The reasons my spouse gives range from, "I'm tired" to "I just don't feel like it" to "I'm not in the mood".<<


Maybe you could take your spouses reasons at face value. I Think saying "I'm too tired for sex" isn't the same as saying "I'm too tired to love you".


Reasonable frequency is subjective. Certain sex acts are not always enjoyable to everyone and honestly asserting

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Fri, 12-07-2007 - 6:34pm
Thanks for your perspective. I appreciate your comments.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Fri, 12-07-2007 - 6:37pm
Thanks very much for your post. You've given me food for thought.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2007
Sun, 12-09-2007 - 6:20pm

"How have you LL's addressed this issue in your relationships?"

So much that it's like beating a dead horse . How long have you been married ? If you don't mind me asking ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Mon, 12-10-2007 - 12:02am

<>


A little over 22 years.