An LL's Vent (Long)
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|Fri, 02-23-2007 - 2:20am|
Sorry, this is pretty long, but I really just need to vent. I've tried talking to my friends, but they're all HL's and think I'm nuts. But this stuff has really been weighing on my mind lately.
I'm 26, almost 27, and I have been with the same guy off and on for 9 years. We went out for 3 1/2 years when we first met, then were just friends or casually dated ever since. We've been seriously back "on" again for about 6 months, and it's been wonderful. He's is the greatest guy on earth. I could hardly ask for more. I truly believe we could spend the rest of our lives together, except for one problem---I'm a LL and he's a HL.
Now, I know I personally have issues that cause my LL. First off, I find sex itself PAINFUL. I've talked to my boyfriend and my doctor about this, and my doctor offered my some helpful advice, and my bf is more than happy to try anything I think will help (even some strange positions).
Second, I find sex, well, icky. I'm a very clean person. For example, I won't eat food with my fingers, and I don't like gardening because I get dirty. I'm almost (but not quite, according to my dr.) OCD about cleanliness. So you can just imagine how I feel about sex. It's sticky and slimey and sweaty, and all around yucky. This, I have not told my bf, because he would take it personally, and it's not him. It's just a hang up I have, and that I would have with any person.
Third, I'm a medical student, and I find it very hard to see the body as something sexy and sensuous. I see it as the machine I've always learned it to be. It's just groups of cells working together. Obviously, that makes it quite difficult to get turned on.
(These have all been issues in other relationships that I've had, not just with my current bf.)
But the final, and biggest, problem I have is my bf himself. He can never see or talk to me without bringing sex into it. The literal minute we are alone, his hands are up my shirt and down my pants, and his tongue's down my throat. It would be really nice to get some soft kisses, maybe a back rub, just hold hands. Something besides diving right in. And it would be nice if he waited a little bit, rather than pawing at me like some animal the moment he sees me. And everytime we talk on the phone, he starts talking about having sex with me--what he wants to do to me, what he wants me to do to him. Then he asks me what I want to do, and he gets offended when I say I want to change the subject.
My bf swears that he only acts like that because he loves me so much and wants to be with me, and he wants us to share ourselves with each other. In a way, I believe him, because he doesn't sleep around or anything, but part of me knows it's just an excuse for his lack of self control. He says I should feel flattered that I turn him on so much, and I do, but at the same time, I feel aggravated that he can't seem to control himself.
So often I feel like I am just some big blow-up doll to him. More than once, I've just laid there and let him do what he wants so he'll quit whining. On some lucky occasions, the TV's actually been on so I had something to distract me.
Plus, I get really tired of knowing we're going to have sex every time we see each other. To me, it's like seeing a movie every time you get together. Yes, watching a movie is fairly enjoyable, and yes, it's a different general movie each time, but it's still watching a movie. I get tired of watching movies. Even if we do something else, like go out for a nice dinner, or even something goofy like playing mini golf, we still end by "watching a movie." Well dang it, sometimes I'm just not in the mood to watch another movie!
We've talked about this stuff on several occasions, and each time he eases off for a while, but eventually goes right back to his old ways. And when he does ease off, he makes a huge deal out of it. He says, "See? I behaved myself tonight. I didn't try to do anything. Did you notice?" Well whoopty-freakin'-do. So you have an ounce of self control. That's great.
We've talked about living together at some point, but I don't know if that would be better or worse. It could be much better, because we would see each other a lot more, and I don't think even he could keep up his interest in sex THAT much. Right now, we usually only have a chance to see each other once a week or so, so I can kinda understand why he is so "excited" every time I see him. On the other hand, if he did keep it up, my life would be a living you-know-where. So I don't know.
I just get so tired and so frustrated with the whole situation. This is exactly the reason that we broke up 5 1/2 years ago. He's the same age as me--I thought guys eventually outgrew this kinda stuff! He's acting like he's still 16. In every other aspect he's absolutely perfect. I just wonder if this is something we'll ever be able to work through.
Well, sorry this is so long, but thanks for letting me vent. That's all been bottled up for a long time.