Middle Age LL woes and other life stuff
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|Wed, 07-11-2007 - 8:35am|
I am new here. I have been reading some of these posts and see some similarities to our situation, but the one big difference I seem to see is that most of you are fairly young with young children , already battling these issues of LL or mismatched drive.
My story is a bit different, so please bear with me while I spill my tear filled guts this morning
My husband and I had another blow up yesterday, that as usual was triggered by something small (in my opinion) and unrelated to the whole sex drive issue, but somehow it always comes back to that.
So, a lil history. I am almost 57 years old. Married to my husband for almost 30 years, we dated for 5 years before that. When we were dating, and even into the early years, of our marriage our sex life was super. I wanted it all the time. There were even times I was ready and he was tired, but oh well, it was ok, the next time was just around the corner. Before we actually lived together, he would spend weekends in my apartment and we would litterally go at it all day long on Sunday. He was never a really good affectionate person outside of our bedroom. Not alot of kissing, handholding , hugging, or other offerings of affection in public places. It was somewhat of an issue even then, but I dealt with it best I could, as he was a good person, and a good man , and I loved him dearly.
We got married, had a son a few years later. Our son is now almost 21 years old, so the children at home issue is not an issue for me.
But life did happen. His lack of affection other than sex times, for years was somewhat of a source of unhappiness for me, but I dealt with it.
I dont know exactly when, or how, or what transpired, but I guess so many years of wanting affection, and not just sex, but only getting sex, seemed to have maybe calloused me. The tables have now turned in some ways and I really have lost about all desire for sex. Now, there are times where he begins to get affectionate, but I pull away, because he cant seem to offer (still) affection that does not assume culmination with sex. I do love him, I do still love to hug and hold, but feel I have to pull away, because I dont want the sex.
Or current sex life consists of me taking care of him, either manually or orally maybe twice a month, and maybe once a month me joining in. When I do join in, I mostly do enjoy it, but I sorta chuckled by one poster on the floralie thread talking about faking it, purring , moaning, and eventually feeling into it herself. I find that true for me too. Its not that our sex is bad, or that he is a bad lover, its just that after soooo many years, I guess its just not something I yearn for anymore. Is this because of boredom, or other life issues? I just dont know sometimes,.
But here is the kicker/life issue stuff. We, like all couples have our share of personality differences and while he sometimes feels he can have moods, or be bent out of shape over work, or whatever, but when I have that kind of reaction, I guess he doesnt feel my actions are justified. He wants us to be more affectionate, but he seems to critisize me, over (IMO)little stuff, that in the big picture of life is not important, but it hurts me, and makes me not happy, and when Im not happy, its hard to flip that switch and be affectionate, even if its 2 days later.
His isssues are lack of being able to kindly, and pleasantly discuss any of this. When we have one of these non sex realated blow ups, he turns inward and just stops talking, adn walks around sulking. Then when he does talk, it ALWAYS comes back to how neglected he is and how I dont appreciate him. From MY point of view, that sure doesnt bode well for his case of wanting more affection. He passes it off as it gets too emotional so he shuts down. And I am supposed to just accept that? So what happens, is I feel I am always the one to try to make nice, work things out, get us back on a talking basis. But it seems each time its getting harder and harder.
He just left for work, and while I tried to talk and act nicely, and pleasantly, he left saying HE is feeling unsettled? He is even hinting at not knowing what to do, as if he is thinking he wants to split? leave? just dont know.
Im sorry if this note seems to be rambling, but Im sitting here crying, and upset and just not knowing what to do to make this better.
Thanks for indulging me and reading this..