Mismatched sex drive, still young, HELP!
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|Mon, 07-16-2007 - 10:05pm|
I'm 21 years old and have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost two years now. We have our ups and downs, but for the most part it has been a very happy, rewarding relationship.
This is my first sexually active relationship, and my boyfriend and I realized right off the bat that he has a much higher sex drive than I do. We waited about six months before we started having sex, and my first time was fine, but before then he would ask me for blow jobs. I gave them, and still do, but it wasn't something I wanted to be doing every time we got intimate. I realized that I was afraid to say no, because we had just started dating, I liked him a lot, and I figured since lots of girls did it, I should just deal with it or I'd seem like a cold fish. Then I realized I resented him for it. So, when I DID tell him that I didn't feel like it, he persisted, and we settled on "just for three minutes", until I ended up telling him how I felt pressured. We talked about it, and the issue pretty much went away once we started having sex.
Initially I wanted sex pretty much whenever he did. As my sex drive started to taper off, once again I was hesitant to tell him that I wasn't in the mood because I didn't want it to start causing problems. When I finally did, he understood and it wasn't such a big deal...for a while. Eventually he started to get moody if I didn't feel like having sex, and I would freak out. When we did have sex and I wasn't completely into it, he'd go soft and get moody because he felt like I was doing it out of obligation, which isn't entirely untrue. We've talked about it, and we've acknowledged that we have different sex drives, and he told me wants me to be honest about whether I'm not in the mood, and he'd understand. The thing is, every time he wants sex and I don't, it causes problems.
I understand that he's going to be disappointed if he wants sex and doesn't get it, but it causes tension, and it leads to fights. If I have sex when I don't want to, he senses it right away, and I get resentful because I believe that sex should be for both people, not just when one person wants it.
We do other things--oral sex, handjobs, masturbating, etc., but there are times when I just don't want to be sexual at all. I'm fine with cuddling, but if I'm not turned on and I'm just giving him a handjob, it takes all the intimacy out of it because it's such a one way deal (I'm fine with the above for foreplay, etc.).
We're happy in our relationship save for the sex drives, and I'm worried that we'd be better off finding someone who is more compatible. We're both young, he's my first sexual partner, and I'm trying to get into med school--things won't get any easier. I don't want to throw up my hands and give up, but I don't want to cause more misery than happiness, and from what I hear, it doesn't get any better once you get married and have kids.
Edited 7/16/2007 10:12 pm ET by sahs08