Mismatched w/ other related problems....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Mismatched w/ other related problems....
5
Tue, 07-13-2010 - 12:41pm

I am new here, might have posted years ago since I've seen this board before. My husband and I have been married less than 5 years and have a wonderful toddler. When we met, I was having problems with cysts and hormonal problems but our romance was doing great. Throughout dating to engagement, things were good although I had surgeries and continued to have hormonal problems. We got engaged and at the same time my health issues continued. Fast forward to married life with a child, and things have been much worse romance wise. Not just any new couple with a young child, we are dealing with my cysts and other major health issues (putting it mildly, I had serious life-threatening issues right when my child was an infant). We dealt with infertility and meds to have our child.

Two years later, life feels back to normal, but I still have hormonal issues. I am getting laid off from work now. Our child is in the terrible twos. With just having a child, I could see a toll on one's sex life. However, we have huge health issues, chronic hormonal issues, layoff stress, and a bad sex life. Here is the kicker. Sex hurts me. Yes, I've gone to doctors. We go to counseling sometimes. It is just painful, and giving birth and the stitches, scar tissue problems I had there don't make it easier because it hurt before having a kid.

My husband has been upset and depressed about this for years. It always comes out that he wants romance and not to feel like "just friends". I get it. However, I was always a LL and he's closer to a HL. Add in medical issues, health issues, and pain. Add in a layoff. Oh, and the toddler. I can overcome all of these aspects except the pain.

I want to compromise and do little things that are romantic/sexual more often, and will give in more to having sex even with the pain I guess. However, I feel put down too much by him. He name calls, says sex is no good, and that I'm not into it enough. (Well, I have LL, plus chronic pain with sex, and stress, and don't feel treated respectfully by him). So, if I offer something, I get back that it isn't good enough or it wasn't me being into it for real, or that it isn't up to his high standards.

So, is this fair? I read about how depressed and bitter husbands are with their wives and I see why. Mine is too. But I never heard of anyone else having these other factors of chronic pain. How does that change things? Would the advice still be (as others have posted) that we're doomed to get a divorce? Is it fair to say that his need for a connection/sex has to be fulfilled with sex on a regular basis, or would it be fair for him to accept other sexual/romantic acts too? Does he get to complain about sex when there is chronic pain involved and have a valid reason for divorce if not getting it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2009
Tue, 07-13-2010 - 7:39pm

There are probably others who are more qualified to answer than I am. I'm HL. However, I few things jumped out at me when I read your post.


Pain: I used to have pain during sex too but, being HL, I was willing to work at it, find

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Thu, 07-15-2010 - 7:48am

"So, is this fair? I read about how depressed and bitter husbands are with their wives and I see why. Mine is too. But I never heard of anyone else having these other factors of chronic pain. How does that change things? Would the advice still be (as others have posted) that we're doomed to get a divorce? Is it fair to say that his need for a connection/sex has to be fulfilled with sex on a regular basis, or would it be fair for him to accept other sexual/romantic acts too? Does he get to complain about sex when there is chronic pain involved and have a valid reason for divorce if not getting it?"


It has nothing to do with fair, it's about how incompatible you are wtih each other.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Fri, 07-23-2010 - 4:24pm

Personally, a

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
Fri, 07-23-2010 - 5:46pm

>>>>>Here is the kicker. Sex hurts me. Yes, I've gone to doctors. We go to counseling sometimes. It is just painful, and giving birth and the stitches, scar tissue problems I had there don't make it easier because it hurt before having a kid.<<<<
What I read some time ago that only about 30 physician in the US are competent in this. It is specialized as there are many factors and it is easily mis-diagnosed.

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/11/071109190251.htm

xvx Pictures, Images and Photos


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 7:07pm

"I want to compromise and do little things that are romantic/sexual more often, and will give in more to having sex even with the pain I guess. However, I feel put down too much by him. He name calls, says sex is no good, and that I'm not into it enough. (Well, I have LL, plus chronic pain with sex, and stress, and don't feel treated respectfully by him). So, if I offer something, I get back that it isn't good enough or it wasn't me being into it for real, or that it isn't up to his high standards."


Have you explained your view to him as you have done here? So, part of the reason you don't act romantic as he wants is because HE prevents you from feeling that way toward him. I'd let him know how you feel. If