Mismatched w/ other related problems....
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|Tue, 07-13-2010 - 12:41pm|
I am new here, might have posted years ago since I've seen this board before. My husband and I have been married less than 5 years and have a wonderful toddler. When we met, I was having problems with cysts and hormonal problems but our romance was doing great. Throughout dating to engagement, things were good although I had surgeries and continued to have hormonal problems. We got engaged and at the same time my health issues continued. Fast forward to married life with a child, and things have been much worse romance wise. Not just any new couple with a young child, we are dealing with my cysts and other major health issues (putting it mildly, I had serious life-threatening issues right when my child was an infant). We dealt with infertility and meds to have our child.
Two years later, life feels back to normal, but I still have hormonal issues. I am getting laid off from work now. Our child is in the terrible twos. With just having a child, I could see a toll on one's sex life. However, we have huge health issues, chronic hormonal issues, layoff stress, and a bad sex life. Here is the kicker. Sex hurts me. Yes, I've gone to doctors. We go to counseling sometimes. It is just painful, and giving birth and the stitches, scar tissue problems I had there don't make it easier because it hurt before having a kid.
My husband has been upset and depressed about this for years. It always comes out that he wants romance and not to feel like "just friends". I get it. However, I was always a LL and he's closer to a HL. Add in medical issues, health issues, and pain. Add in a layoff. Oh, and the toddler. I can overcome all of these aspects except the pain.
I want to compromise and do little things that are romantic/sexual more often, and will give in more to having sex even with the pain I guess. However, I feel put down too much by him. He name calls, says sex is no good, and that I'm not into it enough. (Well, I have LL, plus chronic pain with sex, and stress, and don't feel treated respectfully by him). So, if I offer something, I get back that it isn't good enough or it wasn't me being into it for real, or that it isn't up to his high standards.
So, is this fair? I read about how depressed and bitter husbands are with their wives and I see why. Mine is too. But I never heard of anyone else having these other factors of chronic pain. How does that change things? Would the advice still be (as others have posted) that we're doomed to get a divorce? Is it fair to say that his need for a connection/sex has to be fulfilled with sex on a regular basis, or would it be fair for him to accept other sexual/romantic acts too? Does he get to complain about sex when there is chronic pain involved and have a valid reason for divorce if not getting it?