More spice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2007
More spice?
35
Mon, 11-05-2007 - 9:18am
Well we have been having sex more often the last month or so and it hasnt been the easiest but Im really trying to save some of my energy for him and i know it has been helping the relationship and its getting easier to get into the mood. Now today he tell me I know we have been having more sex but It hasnt been as spicy as it had been. Im frusterated at this. Damnit im trying all i can. I just feel like it doesnt matter what i do he isnt happy. Were not having sex enough so now were having sex more often. Now its not adventurous enough. I didnt get mad at him or hint at it at all. But inside im boiling.
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siggyme

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2002
Mon, 11-05-2007 - 9:54am

Katiemomma2chey,

I can understand your frustration. And you probably have a right to feel upset.
However would you rather he held that in, and not communicate that he feels
something is missing?

Would you be willing to offer him more spice for less frequency?
Would he be open to that?

Are there alternatives to the frequency when your tired and not up for full blown sex?

These are just some points to ponder.

Dirty

Where there's marriage without love, there will be love without marriage. Benjamin Franklin
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Mon, 11-05-2007 - 10:36am

Did he ever say ALL he wanted was more frequent sex? If he is normal, he would ask for what he believes is the next possible step or progression toward his collective desires. Why ask for the works when you believe it will just overwhelm the OP and then you end up with nothing? Full disclosure is a rare thing and unless he knows himself well, he probably didn't even give much thought to what was next until the previous "barrier" was crossed. As a mother, you would not expect your child to read well until they took interest in the alphabet. You took interest in the alphabet of frequency and now he wants you to read some spice in. Just be aware, he may have more behind this. Best wishes.


Glenn

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2007
Mon, 11-05-2007 - 11:33am
Now that ive had time to think. You are right i am glad that he talks to me. I am just over whelmed. I feel like i just started getting on track with the first and main problem of not enough sex and then he just piles more on. I do understand his frustration. We used to be very adventurous and it was all the time. Im open to new things i just dont have the creativity to think of them myself. If that makes sense. He wants me to initiate and be adventerous. I just dont know where to begin. i have a hard enough time getting myself in the mood for just sex let alone everything else. He was nice about it i just feel it was to soon.
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siggyme
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Mon, 11-05-2007 - 1:28pm

Hi Katie,

Just wanted to know that I empathize with you! I think your DH is asking a lot. Not only more sex, not only more adventurous sex, but adventure that's selected and initiated by YOU. Frankly I think he's being a big baby. (I know some HLs will disagree.) If you don't want life to change, then don't have a family, IMO.

I hope your DH is willing to do some, if not most, of the "creative work" himself. Seems only fair to me, since he's the one who craves the spice.

Freelance

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2007
Mon, 11-05-2007 - 1:47pm
thanks for the empathy. Does anyone have any advice to nicely say these things to him. I dont want to hurt his feelings because that wont help anything. If i express any dislike in what he says he goes into defense mode and just withdraws madly. i dont want that to happen but i do need him to slow down a bit and help me out. how can i say this to him?
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siggyme
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2007
Mon, 11-05-2007 - 2:29pm

Usually if you can stay calm and confident and talk in terms of the things that you do like about your sex life with him it will be easier for him to hear and accept the things you are feeling overwhelmed by right now. Keep your comments focused on how you are feeling and not what he is doing wrong.


If he still acts angry and pouty try not to take it personally or absorb the guilt. It is best for both of you if you are able to remain confident and clear about what YOU need and want.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Mon, 11-05-2007 - 2:32pm

<<... i do need him to slow down a bit and help me out. how can i say this to him?>>


How about you tell him you would like him to slow down? If you decide what you can reasonably give then you can sit down and make a rough schedule. Maybe only commit to his form of ideal sex once a month and place conditions on him for the day before and/or day of. Tell him he must help you with what ever traditionally inhibits your mood for that type of sex. Make it once every three months if you like just honor your word. Once negotiated, I would glady live with what I knew my DW could reasonably give

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2007
Mon, 11-05-2007 - 2:43pm

ok that makes sense. I think he would be open to that. thank you. Im going to try your idea Glenn we will see how it goes!!




Edited 11/5/2007 2:45 pm ET by katiemomma2chey
siggyme
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Mon, 11-05-2007 - 5:34pm

>>I hope your DH is willing to do some, if not most, of the "creative work" himself. Seems only fair to me, since he's the one who craves the spice.<<


I agree in spirit, but I think you might have to approach this with tact. Just tell him you are up for being adventurous, but that since he has had more time to think about all this, and that you are just beginning to get back into the swing of things, that maybe he could get the ball rolling in that direction and, for now, suggest things for the two of you. That you are sure after a while that you will come up with some great ideas yourself. And you know what, I honestly think you will. It is hard to go from mommy mode to seductress, but I think it will get easier to make that mental switch the longer you try.


Angela

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2007
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 8:44pm
This may be totally inapplicable to your situation .... but do you know what your husband is REALLY after here?

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