My 26 y/o potentially LL boyfriend

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2009
My 26 y/o potentially LL boyfriend
Sun, 10-04-2009 - 11:12pm

I had never been part of a discussion of mismatched libidos before I found this message board today, and whenever I heard it discussed, it was always a question of a LL woman with a HL man. My situation is the opposite!

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years now, and have been living together for three months. We have sex maybe twice a month, though occasionally we will go through periods of time where we have sex a few days in a row before getting back to our normal schedule. I am 24 and he is 26, and this has been the situation for our entire relationship. He rarely wants to have sex.

He was a virgin when we met, because he had been in a four-year relationship with a girl who did not want to have sex before marriage (though he did). He was 23 then, and definitely took some "training" when we started doing it. He had difficulty maintaining an erection, which I think frustrated and possibly embarrassed him, but I just wrote it off as he was thinking too much. Eventually we got into the groove of things, of course, but things never reached what I considered a normal level with other boyfriends.

He just doesn't want to have sex very often, and when we do have sex, about half the time he loses his erection midway-- not because he's not enjoying it, he says, but because he is just physically tired. (Yes, this always occurs during him-on-top positions, but I do take the reins frequently, both because I enjoy it, and to avoid this problem.)

He is definitely attracted to women, and is definitely not cheating on me. He says he masturbates a couple times a week, but I figure that's normal for a dude. I have gained 15-20 pounds in the past year, which makes me feel very insecure that he is not attracted to me anymore, but he assures me that he definitely is, and in reality, our sex life has not changed at all since I gained the weight. He is always affectionate in other ways, kissing, hugging, being generally playful around the house, etc.

I've discussed our differences in libidos with him a number of times and he attributes it to "laziness." He is definitely a comfort-loving type of guy who does enjoy socializing with friends and spending time with me, but also likes to be by himself a lot of the time, or at least to be left alone to do whatever strikes his fancy at that moment. He considers sex to be something of an ordeal, I think-- you get all hot and sweaty and have to exercise, and sure he enjoys it, but is it really worth all that? Usually his answer is "no." I used to think that this was ridiculous, but maybe he just has a low libido.

I think that I could definitely respect his lack of sex drive, but I'm concerned for two reasons. One, I worry that he's not actually enjoying sex despite his insistence that he is (maybe he just doesn't know better, since I'm his only partner). Two, my parents tell me all the time that a passionate sex life is crucial to a good relationship. My family is very open in talking about sex, and I know that they "couldn't keep their hands off each other" when they were our age, and even in their fifties now have sex almost every day. I respect the fact that people have different libido levels, but I worry that they're right, and our lack of a passionate sex life actually indicates his lack of passion for ME (even though he says that is not true).

Anyway, does anyone have any reactions, similar stories, or suggestions for me in this situation? Before I found this board I thought I was the only person to ever have this problem but now that I've found out that that isn't true, maybe one of you can offer some much-needed advice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Mon, 10-05-2009 - 12:18am

Well the bottom line is what is important to "you".

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Mon, 10-05-2009 - 7:28am
...first of all...kudos to your parents for discussing how important a mutually satisfying sex can be to a couple where it is valued (even if just by one of the them) as an essential, emotional, physical bond...on the other hand...the real question?...can you thrive in a relationship where sex is not a priority for both partners?...can you be the best partner that you can be?...
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Mon, 10-05-2009 - 8:37am

I think that I could definitely respect his lack of sex drive, but I'm concerned for two reasons. One, I worry that he's not actually enjoying sex despite his insistence that he is (maybe he just doesn't know better, since I'm his only partner).

I think understanding his libido a little better might give you a perspective of it that might allay this concern. It's possible that he feels about sex the way

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Wed, 10-07-2009 - 10:22am


Excellent analogy, which I'd even take a step further. When you're physically fit, climbing the mountain is much less arduous and feels much better than when you're out of shape. In short, being fit gives you extra energy. I see arousal as the sexual equivalent of physical fitness. If sexual activity (i.e., kissing, stroking, dirty talk, sweating, hard breathing, etc.) arouses you, the arousal provides the energy, desire, motivation and focus to keep going. If all these activities arouse you very little or not at all, the whole thing can start to seem boring, a little pointless, and psychologically aversive (because you're reminded of your so-called inadequacies).

Having an orgasm doesn't mean you're mentally aroused -- something HLs who say things like "I don't get it. She has great screaming orgasms. Why doesn't she want sex more?" may not grasp.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2007
Wed, 10-07-2009 - 11:25pm
I hope you realize he stuck out that other relationship where he wasn't having sex because he didn't give a gosh darn about having sex. Don't think that you can fix what she broke. What's broken in him is independent of her or you. If you stay with him, this will be forever (and even less so).
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Wed, 10-07-2009 - 11:43pm


I emphatically agree with the first sentence (I had the same thought when I read the OP's post), but I don't agree that he's broken. He's just LL.