My boyfriend has a low sex drive. HELP!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2011
My boyfriend has a low sex drive. HELP!
Thu, 06-16-2011 - 3:55pm

Here's the deal. My boyfriend and I have been

together for almost 5 years. We're both 24

today. He is a wonderful man, very loving and

romantic, he is family-oriented, makes me laugh

to tears, we can talk about any topic, we share

the same projects in the future, and we see

life in a similar way. When I met him I knew he

had everything I was looking for. I just adore

him and he makes me feel very happy and

fortunate to have him in my life. Badly for me,

it wasn't long until I found out he had a very

low sex drive.
At the beginning of our relationship we

couldn't have sex very often because we were

dating and we both lived in our parents' houses

(usually crowded with people). We'd have to

find a motel most of the times to have sex.
The low frequency of our sexual encounters

didn't concern me because we didn't always have

enough money to pay for hotels. Whenever we

have sex even now it's great. He seems to enjoy

it a lot and everything is fine. The thing is I

started to discover that he wasn't as

interested in sex as I was. WHenever we were

alone in my or his house I wanted to take

advantage and he just didn't.
Our relationship is so wonderful, and I thought

I was being too demanding. I thought maybe he

needed time or he needed to grow up, or

something. I have been very understanding all

the time. I thought maybe I just had to spice

things up. I've tried sex toys, suggesting new

ideas, new positions, everything. This has

worked some of the time but most of the time my

efforts are worthless. He doesn't seem to want

to talk about it. Whenever we touch a sexual

topic he seems uncomfortable and changes it.
We moved in together a year ago. I thought that

by being together everyday our sex rhythm would

increase. I was wrong. We still have sex once

every two (even three) weeks. When I put some

pressure on it, and if I get lucky, we have sex

once a week.
The thing is, I can think of very little times

when he's started sex. I start sex about 95% of

the time. I feel very rejected all the time

because most of my suggestions are turned down.

I've grown to feel very frustrated and to start

jumping to many theories. Is he gay? Is he not

attracted to me anymore? Does he not like sex?

Is his religion a problem because we're not

Another thing that concerns me is that we've

had very intense sexual encounters about three

or four times in our whole relationship. I call

these "episodes." Where he let out all of his

animal instincts and we had hot, wild sex. One

time we had sex about 7 times in one day.

Another time he woke me in the middle of the

night for hot sex. After each episode I thought

to myself "this is it! from now on everything

will be different." And it just wasn't. After

that everything went back to normal. I'm

concerned because I know all that potential

exists. I know he wants me. I know he enjoys

sex. I know deep inside he's a normal guy.

What's holding him back?
See, he's very loving and keeps telling me how

attracted he is to me. He touches me all the

time in sexual spots. I don't know if this is

genuine or if he does so just to make me feel

less bad about our sex life. The touching in

sexual spots almost never ends in sex. He can

touch my boob with a naughty look and then

continue watching TV as if nothing happened.
I have to say that I have a good self-esteem

and that I consider myself a beautiful, sexy

woman. Also my sex drive is very high. I'm very

fiery and very intense. I've had previous

relationships where sex was great. I feel like

I don't deserve not feeling sexy and being

rejected when so many other guys would be all

over me.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Thu, 06-16-2011 - 4:05pm
feeling that he has no intention to work on

this and that he has no interest in trying to

improve. This would be a clear sign that he's

just not interested in our relationship working

anymore than it does now. >>

Are you "working on it" by actively reducing your interest in sex? Why aren't you interested enough in the relationship to do this?

See where I'm going with this? Let's be honest here, you'd like him to follow YOUR agenda. If he doesn't, he's not "working on it." The fact is, you're probably both very nice people and neither of you is "wrong" -- you're just not a great match.

JMHO Freelance
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Thu, 06-16-2011 - 4:45pm

Freelancemomma is right. You will both wind up bitter and resentful over time. The best thing to do is to thank him for telling you straight out who he really is. Encourage him to keep on doing that, because it will help keep him from hurting himself and others as he goes forward. Tell him what a great guy he is. Tell him that you want to be friends. Tell him it is not fair to EITHER of you to go forward with this relationship.

All you have to do is read some of the posts on this board from long time members to see how painful and difficult this will get. You guys aren't different from us. You guys ARE us. You will wind up miserable. Don't put either one of you through that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Thu, 06-16-2011 - 4:47pm

You can't fix him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2007
Thu, 06-16-2011 - 6:17pm

You have to imagine 10 years from now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Fri, 06-17-2011 - 8:20am


Hi. I have to agree with the others. You've been with your boyfriend for 5 years and haven't been able to work this out to your satisfaction during this time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2009
Fri, 06-17-2011 - 9:18am
Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Fri, 06-17-2011 - 9:48am
I have given the following advice in the past, and I think it applies to you as well:

If I were you, I would thank your boyfriend profusely. Thank him for for the time you spent together. Thank him for helping you discover the variety of human experience. Then leave.

Do not complain. Do not whine and moan. Do not beg him to change for you. Smile and thank him for what has been a great experience. Thank him for helping you to learn more about yourself and more about what you want in a relationship. Then thank him for understanding that you guys aren't right for each other and wish him well in finding someone more compatible with him.

Because truth be told dearie, you aren't any better a match for him than he is for you. Nagging him for sex and complaining that he isn't satisfying you probably bothers him as much as the lack of sex bothers you.

After all, isn't this what dating is for? To find out what kind of relationship you want? Ending a relationship is not a failure. It is like trying new foods. Sometimes you like them. Sometimes you don't. I tell my kids all the time when trying a new food that if it tastes bad to you it isn't a failure. You have successfully experimented and discovered something new about yourself. Same with dating. You try different guys to find out what you like and don't like about men. Eventually you find one that you like enough to stay with. But the ones you break up with aren't failures. They are successful relationships that you learned from.
Add this one to that list and move on. It is best for both of you.

Sex is one of the Top Two reasons couples divorce. Libido mismatch is more than enough to destroy an otherwise wonderful relationship. Be thankful you spotted this early and can get out relatively easily (compared to after marriage and kids).

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2007
Fri, 06-17-2011 - 1:15pm


I really consider spending the rest of my life

with him?

Only if you are able to accept that things will be worse than they already are.You may go from once a week to once a month.Go ahead with your own responsibility rather than ' I thought it will get better or he promised to work on it ' etc.

Should I move back into my parents'

house and leave him?

The best decision you would make , I promise.

Is sex a good enough

reason to end an otherwise perfect


Yes,it is.And no, your relationship is not otherwise perfect.The consequences of this mismatch is creeping in , w/o you noticing them now.

Also, wha't causing his low libido?

We cant know it.Either he knows it or he doesnt . Maybe the doctors , maybe not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2011
Tue, 06-28-2011 - 11:32am

You are in EXACTLY the same situation as I am, and you are thinking the same things I am thinking!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Tue, 06-28-2011 - 12:15pm

- Have I done everything I can? (What about scheduling sex? Hormone injections for him?)

Only you know that.

- Am I really choosing between sex and my fiance? Isn't that shallow?

Would you say about about any other non-negotiable?