Is my libido low? or is he high?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2009
Is my libido low? or is he high?
22
Sat, 01-08-2011 - 5:04am

Need Help with this one so any feedback is welcomed. I have been married a long time to my highschool sweetheart. Sex is awesome even after all these years. We have sex 1-3 times per week on a good week. once or twice on an average. He initiates most of the time and most of the time I want to as well...but...there are times I just don't feel like it and he gets really upset..he never cuts me any slack..he will even go sleep in the guest room. So now it makes me feel like If I don't perform when he wants he throws a tantrum and I'm the bad guy....do I have a low libido? or is his libido high?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Sat, 01-08-2011 - 6:21am
I don't have problems similar to yours (being that I am not married), but I can tell you that his behavior is passive aggressive, and that he's taking the nights that you aren't feeling up to sex and turning it into a personal rejection.
The first is disrespectful, and will not help with communication or understanding one another. The second just shows he's insecure and immature.

As a a couple nearing 50, both of you should be able to express yourselves, and should be understanding and loving to one another. He isn't extending this respect to you. He's being selfish and acting like a child. Like how my little sister, upon realizing that dinner wasn't exactly what she wanted, refuses to join us at the table and eat the food our mom made. If he doesn't get what he wants, he punishes you, rather than talk to you. That's not reasonable and you don't deserve it.

If on average you make love atleast once a week, you are doing better than a lot of couples. So he has nothing to pout about.

In my opinion, you are not LL, nor is he HL.

No, instead I feel like this is about him wanting control, and getting his way. Probably because as he grew up he would cause a scene until his parents caved and gave in to his spoiled ways.

You both need to sit down and talk about what the times you turn him down mean to both of you, and what his reactions to these times mean as well. I'm sure that there are BIG differences in each of your perceptions.

I would tell him exactly how you feel about it, how you see it, then ask him to please try to understand and accept those times like an adult, because you already have four children, and really don't need to deal with a fifth every night when what you really need and want is a husband who will care about how you feel rather than what his second brain wants or how his pride doesn't like being told no. ;)

Anyway, I hope this gets worked out, as I said before I think it's more about what's going on between his ears and yours, rather than what's happening (or not) between your marital bedsheets.

Best of luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Tue, 01-11-2011 - 11:48am
HL and LL are relative terms. They only have any meaning in relation to your partner. What is typical or average for people on the whole will not be helpful or relevant in solving your problem in your relationship.

That being said, it is time for you to evaluate what you want, and then have a frank, honest conversation about what he wants. It is likely that you will need to find a different way to handle the "not tonight" scenario. He's taking that too personally, and it might just be a matter of you changing the way you say "no thanks." Could you offer him an alternative when you don't really want to have sex? A quick handjob or blow job, perhaps? Or a rain check? Some HLs have said that a "not tonight, how about we make a date for Thursday," would go a long way towards making them feel better about a Tuesday rejection. The important thing in this suggestion is that come Thursday your participation is mandatory.

The most important part of all this is that neither of you is "right" or "wrong" or "defective" in any way. You need to get on the same team and find a way to handle this so neither of you feels resentful, otherwise a small mismatch can drive a very big wedge into your ability to be loving towards one another.

Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Thu, 01-13-2011 - 3:40am
marysol1 wrote:

Need Help with this one so any feedback is welcomed. I have been married a long time to my highschool sweetheart. Sex is awesome even after all these years. We have sex 1-3 times per week on a good week. once or twice on an average. He initiates most of the time and most of the time I want to as well...but...there are times I just don't feel like it and he gets really upset..he never cuts me any slack..he will even go sleep in the guest room. So now it makes me feel like If I don't perform when he wants he throws a tantrum and I'm the bad guy....do I have a low libido? or is his libido high?

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Thu, 01-13-2011 - 11:20am
You are facing a very common situation. You have mismatched libidos. And you have not been able to negotiate a solution both embrace enthusiastically.

This happens frequently, because most people find it difficult to tak openly about sex. So there isn't much give and take when problems arise. leaving each partner to slink off to their corner and think unhelpful thoughts about their partner.

The best thing is if this leads to more communication. Real open and honest communication.

Also, a process of exploration. Most likely neither of you knows what you can tolerate, or what you can enthusiastically embrace. You need to embark on a journey of discovery. Together. Where there is freedom to try new things. To discover that one or both of you does NOT like the new thing. But to feel confident that your partner will continue the process of exploration even after there are setbacks.

Tell you husband what you told us. But not in an accusatory way. In a supportive way. That you have your limits. And you know he is disappointed when he runs up against those limits. And you want to work together to expand your ability to meet his need. And ask for his help working toward that goal.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2009
Fri, 01-14-2011 - 8:36am

well I guess posting a message of this nature not being able to provide a complete backround was a mistake. I appreciate the responses though..they were thought provoking. However a few words.

1. Does he "throw a tantrum" and is he "a baby"

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Fri, 01-14-2011 - 9:01am
>>well I guess posting a message of this nature not being able to provide a complete backround was a mistake. I appreciate the responses though..they were thought provoking. However a few words.<<

Marysol,

I had a feeling you might be experiencing what you describe in your above post. I wondered if your husband was actually an a-hole about this as opposed to you overstating your case a little, as My sex toy presumed. Your response makes it clear to me that your situation is very much like mine was when ML first reared it's head between my husband and I. I would re-iterate my previous advice. It is imperative that you communicate to him that his behavior in this situation is damaging your relationship in what might be a very permanent way if it persists. It is normal and natural for a woman's sex drive to change over time, however much more damage will be done to it, if he continues to behave in this way.

He needs to know that you are doing your best to satisfy him, and that you are not attempting to hurt him by refusing him on occasion. If that is not good enough for him, then perhaps he needs to suck it up or hit the door, because you two are going to BOTH wind up miserable, and it WILL get worse.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2009
Fri, 01-14-2011 - 9:33am

Thanks mirandarr8 I think if you have walked in the same shoes then you can appreiciate the situation. What I will take away from this so personal and sensitive subject is that I'm not alone, communication is imperative and we are all different.....My husband is Good Looking, strong, sexy, clever, and very attractive to me..I'm always wondering how after all these years we can have such hot and strong attraction to each other..it's never boring! I just wish he was a tad more understanding and that he wouldn't wig out if we don't have sex everyday and that when we don't it doesn't mean I don't love him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Fri, 01-14-2011 - 9:56am
>> I just wish he was a tad more understanding and that he wouldn't wig out if we don't have sex everyday and that when we don't it doesn't mean I don't love him.<<

I think you are onto something there. If you sit down with him and approach it as "how can I reassure you that I love and desire you even if I am not ready for sex?" You might find a way. However, be careful to point out that the way he has been behaving is damaging. Let him know that his reactions to your refusals have the ability to erode your love and desire for him. Do not take this all upon your shoulders. Make it clear that BOTH of you have a problem, and that you must solve it TOGETHER.

Good luck!
Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Fri, 01-14-2011 - 10:17am
I am a guy and want sex more than my wife does, but I agree with miranda. You need to find ways to reassure him. And he needs to grow up and stop pouting. It is manipulative and childish, and it is destroying your love for him. he needs to know that.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2009
Fri, 01-14-2011 - 11:23am

Thanks for sharing holdingontoit.....

Being that you want more sex than your wife I'm curious how does it make you feel when your wife has a "rain-check" kind of moment? Do you ever feel like you want to find someone else that is more compatible?

Pages