my low libido & his threats to cheat

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2005
my low libido & his threats to cheat
37
Sun, 09-09-2007 - 3:31am

DH has a high libido. I don't but I still pleasure him and have sex but it's not good enough because he knows I don't crave it and it'll never be often enough for him:
1. If I don't crave it there are only so many times I'm going to want to do it for the sake of doing it.
2. There are times when he's gotten it twice in a day and will still complain to me or friends about never getting any which also makes me feel it will never be enough.

I've tried to tell him I'd crave it more if he'd do what women want/need: flowers, candles, foreplay (which means touches all day or all week building my desires) yet he doesn't get it. He reads these message boards and can't understand why I'm not a sex-crazed girl with a drawer full of toys. He says we don't have time for romance I just need him to build our connection or at least some foreplay that doesn't feel like, "this is me touching your neck so we can have sex." That doesn't work!

**Does anyone know how to help me get more sexy thoughts (I'm a teacher so nothing during my work day, please!) or help him do his part?

**Also, he keeps threatening (did it again tonight) that he is tempted to/will cheat because of his needs. He has cyber-cheated several times and recently flirted (way over the line) with a friend right under my nose, freaked when a guy grabbed my hand and danced with me, then continue flirting with the girl while I had to remove myself from the party because of his verbal abuse. (Yea, we've tried working on abuse through DV, too.) I guess he's getting ready to cheat (on-line or otherwise) and that's why he's turning this issue into a big fight and threatening to cheat.

I need help.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2000
Sun, 09-09-2007 - 10:30pm

See a marriage counselor. Seriously. You two don't communicate very well and counseling will help you see each other's sides and negotiate an acceptable median between not-enough sex (for him) and too much (for you).

Oh, and my 2 cents: Saying "no" to your spouse on a regular basis is just as much a form of cheating as saying "yes" to someone other than your spouse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2005
Mon, 09-10-2007 - 9:12am

>>Oh, and my 2 cents: Saying "no" to your spouse on a regular basis is just as much a form of cheating as saying "yes" to someone other than your spouse.<<


Say what?!


So, if

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Mon, 09-10-2007 - 9:55am

"**Does anyone know how to help me get more sexy thoughts (I'm a teacher so nothing during my work day, please!) or help him do his part?

**Also, he keeps threatening (did it again tonight) that he is tempted to/will cheat because of his needs. He has cyber-cheated several times and recently flirted (way over the line) with a friend right under my nose, freaked when a guy grabbed my hand and danced with me, then continue flirting with the girl while I had to remove myself from the party because of his verbal abuse. (Yea, we've tried working on abuse through DV, too.) "

I not sure what DV is but it sounds like your husband has abuses issues. Threatening you is certainly not going to make you feel more sexy. To me, you said you are trying to do all that you can to meet his needs, yet he is never satisfied or seeing the fact that you are trying your best. Are you sure that this is a good relationship for you to be in? I would suggest that you seek out some organizations that deal with spousal abuse to get some opinions.

"I guess he's getting ready to cheat (on-line or otherwise) and that's why he's turning this issue into a big fight and threatening to cheat."

What the two of you need is a marriage counselor to try to help straighten this out though with your husband abusive behavior, he probably needs to see a therapist.

Meanwhile, if he goes this route, I would seek outside local help for abused spouses. See what they tell you and can do for you. He may have a high libido and you're been trying to meet his needs, yet he still is abusive to you and there is no excuse for it.

Avatar for cl_elyse449
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
Mon, 09-10-2007 - 2:24pm

Hi his_in_hers,


Welcome! I'm glad you found us. You mentioned he's been reading the boards? Did you mean THESE boards? Just wondering, because if he has than he should realize that there are two sides to each story. I didn't see in the message how old each of you are, how long you've

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2000
Tue, 09-11-2007 - 12:22pm

"So, if her DH asks for sex every hour, on the hour, and gets denied most of that time - it's just as bad as him going out and cheating on her?"

What I said was that they need to see a marriage counselor and work out some compromises they can both live with. In the interim, I don't see why his constantly demanding sex is more abusive than her constant stream of "Nos."

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2005
Tue, 09-11-2007 - 12:32pm

This is what you said:


>>See a marriage counselor. Seriously. You two don't communicate very well and counseling will help you see each other's sides and negotiate an acceptable median between not-enough sex (for him) and too much (for you).


Oh, and my 2 cents: Saying "no" to your spouse on a regular basis is just as much a form of cheating as saying "yes" to someone other than your spouse.<<


No mention of abuse there or in OP's first post. It's not about abuse, it's about saying that her saying no to his advances more than twice a day (since OP cites that even if they have sex twice a day, it's still not good enough to her DH) is similar to a spouse going outside of their marriage for intimacy or sex. I just find that sort of ludicrious.




iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2005
Wed, 09-12-2007 - 10:48pm

I don't say no to him on a regular basis.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2005
Wed, 09-12-2007 - 10:57pm

DV is domestic violence.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2005
Wed, 09-12-2007 - 11:09pm

Thanks for the insight.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2003
Sun, 09-30-2007 - 12:23am

Good grief, the girl said she's done as much as twice a day and he still wants more.

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